b3ta.com user irv
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» It's Not What It Looks Like!

I am probably on a register.
A few months ago my girlfriend and I were on holiday in Croatia.

In a (shit) town called Sibenik, we called into a local Konzum to buy some snacks and booze. Wandering around the shop, I noticed a stack of notepads, one of which had on it a totally inappropriate picture of a scantily-clad woman with massive, bulging tits - there was simply no reason for this image to be on it, particularly as the notepads were in a section with other bits and bobs that were clearly for kids.

Turning to my girlfriend who was a few steps behind me, I caught her attention and held up the notepad, pointing at the bikini-clad woman on the front and making a kind of pervy, suggestive "phwoar!" face.

She gave me a puzzled look, so I continued on, motioning towards the notepad, intimating that it was odd to have a sexy, near-naked woman on the front and again making a face meant to imply in a comical way that the sexy lady on the cover was turning me on.

At this point I spotted my actual girlfriend a little further back in the supermarket, looking at some crisps. My eyes focussed properly on the scared Croatian woman in front of me who clearly thought I was a filthy, mental sex pest.

I began earnestly to proclaim my innocence, but as she obviously didn't speak a word of English I ran away and, grabbing my girlfriend, left the shop. I explained to her later what had happened; she very nearly pissed herself.

In my defence, the woman did look quite a bit like my girlfriend and was standing exactly where I thought she was - my brain simply didn't work out that it wasn't her until I registered the shock and fear on her poor Croatian lady face.
(Sat 11th Dec 2010, 11:32, More)

» Guilty Pleasures, part 2

The thing I currently look forward to most
is, sadly enough, Thursday's Sub-Of-The-Day - the 'BMT'; Pepperoni and salami, hold the ham, with lettuce, cucumber, sweetcorn and mayo. Hot toddy, that's some tasty processed crap.

Since my workload is winding down (I'm off at the end of the month to Aus) I have very little to occupy my mind, and so I currently look forward to Thursdays in an almost inappropriate manner - I wake up and as my mind slowly works out what day it is a grin spreads across my face.

Hopefully when I get to Australia my life will become a little more meaningful.
(Thu 13th Mar 2008, 13:50, More)

» Mix Tapes

A few years back...
I designed some curtains, one side red, one side blue. No-one liked them.

That's what happens when you make mixed drapes.
(Thu 7th Feb 2008, 15:18, More)

» Mix Tapes

Alan Partridge Minimix
This is a mix of Partridge-related tunage that I made for a minimix competition last year:


Gary Numan - Music For Chameleons
Hot Chocolate - It Started With A Kiss
Joni Mitchell - Big Yellow Taxi
China Crisis - King In A Catholic Style (Wake Up)
Go West - Call Me
Yazoo - Don't Go
Theme from 'Return Of The Saint'

+ assorted Alan clips... i hope you enjoy it B3tans!
(Mon 11th Feb 2008, 10:28, More)

» I witnessed a crime

Chavvy little twunges.
When I was about 16 I witnessed a foreign student getting beaten up by 4 or 5 chavs near the Opera House nightclub just outside Bournemouth, who proceeded to then jump up and down on his head while he lay crumpled up on the floor.

Witnesses? Approximately 150 I'd say. Anyone do anything? Nah.
(Thu 14th Feb 2008, 14:33, More)
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