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» What's the hardest you've tried to get dumped?

Being dumped by Engelbert
Many moons ago I was sitting on the upper deck of a number 16 bus in Glasgow. The two young girls in the seats behind me were commiserating with each other. One of them had just been dumped.
'Know what he did?'asked the first. 'Naw...' replied the other.

'He wiz talking to me alright then he said 'Ah've goat a record ah want ye tae hear..' and he pit it on an walked oot the room. Know what it wiz?'


'It wiz 'Please release me, let me go'. By Engelbert Humperdink.'

'Ah mean, Is that no awfy?'

Cue me wetting myself.
(Sat 7th Jun 2008, 17:21, More)

» Messing with people's heads

Once upon a time I was strolling through the Smithfield Market area of Dublin with Willie, my pal, when we decided to go for a pie and pint. I chose a likely hostelry. "No, not that one," said my chum, "they are all bastards in there."

I had to know.
Turned out he had gone in there and as he was about to take a stool at the bar he spied a £20 note lying on the floor. Willie quickly took stock of the situation; the pub was silent, with a few guys around, quietly supping their stout. No one had noticed the money.

So he took out his Evening Herald and 'accidentally' dropped it on the floor on top of the note. He then stooped down to pick up the paper intending to retrieve the banknote at the same time.

Just as he was about to pick up the money, the note shot across the floor and poor Willie instinctively stumbled and lunged after it, falling flat on his face accompanied by the roars of laughter from all the punters and the barman. The twenty quid was on a fishing line, pulled by one of the innocent looking customers.
He was so embarrassed he walked out of the pub, never to show his face there again. Now THAT's being dicked with!
(Sat 14th Jan 2012, 6:24, More)

» Screwing up at work

Bathroom misunderstanding
I once worked in a small but expanding business in London. When the flat above the shop became available we took that over too. The bathroom became a unisex staff toilet and the bath was boarded over leaving only a gap for the slightly leaking taps.
One day one of the girls came out shrieking that someone had shit it the bath. Unbelievable. But everyone just knew who the likely culprit was. He was a new guy and the last person known to have been in there.
He was summonsed and despite his cries of innocence was ordered to clean it up or lose his job.
Under protest he made a start, only to find that it wasn't shit. It was one of the boss's fat Cuban cigars which had expanded with the wet from the weeping taps. Poor sod didn't get any apologies either.
(Thu 19th May 2016, 8:56, More)

» The nicest thing someone's ever done for me

Leonard Cohen Concert Dublin
Must've been twenty years ago. Leonard Cohen was visiting Ireland and his concert was a sell out. My chums had already gotten tickets and assured my Mrs and me that we'd have no problem buying some from the parasite touts outside. Sure enough we got a couple of 'restricted view' tickets for an exorbitant sum from one of the gurriers.* And nowhere near the seats our friends had.
When we got in we discovered that the two seats were behind a pillar. Shit! Impossible to see anything.
Next thing, Leonard Cohen's son appeared and gave a snort of disgust. 'Restricted view? That's no view!' said he. Disappeared off and got two chairs which he then put up on the platform within a few feet of Leonard and the band. We had the best seats in the house. And the envy of our chums who couldn't believe their eyes.
A little act of kindness I have never forgotten.
* A Dublin term describing low life. Great word.
(Sat 4th Oct 2008, 17:17, More)

» DIY disasters

Roof repairs
Not my own story but that of an acquaintance in Ireland. He had a leaking roof - it looked like the seven seas - and rather than spend a few bob getting it repaired properly, engaged the services of a couple of 'travelling gentlemen' who got up into the loft and had a look. A few euros later they departed and assured him all was well. And it was for about six weeks. Which was how long it took for the large bucket they had placed beneath the leak to fill up. Then it overflowed and fell through the soaked ceiling onto the kitchen table just as dinner was being served.
Length? Told you.. about six weeks.
(Sat 5th Apr 2008, 21:09, More)
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