Profile for i dont get it:
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- a member for 16 years, 2 months and 29 days
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- has posted 7 stories and 11 replies on question of the week
- They liked 124 pictures, 77 links, 0 talk posts, and 169 qotw answers.
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» Twattery
Twat Cat
This is a friends story. Said Cat is a twat because its a fish thieving scoundrel and moreover I was going to fit this answer in to whatever this weeks question was regardless of relevance.
Twat cat enters my friends Garden and promptly proceeds on over to the pond to do some fishing. A number of fish have gone missing out of the pond lately so there's now a fence around it to stop any herons, who were getting the blame. The fence has 3 horizontal wires but with the bottom wire removed to allow smaller birds to get to the pond for a drink. Unaware cat is unaware however, because this is an electric fence. Cat crawls through the wet grass and safely under the fence. The greedy little fiend pokes his paw in the water, scouting for the ponds chubby residents. Getting all excited like he is however now unaware of what he's doing with his tail, which brushes the wire behind him. Mayhem ensues as cat shoots 5ft in the air, does 2 backflips and lands on all four paws. In the middle of the pond. Poor thing swims out and sprints out the garden, presumably to go dive on its owners bed covered in pond slime and old leaves.
Maybe I'm the twat for spending all day laughing
(Fri 13th Apr 2012, 15:41, More)
Twat Cat
This is a friends story. Said Cat is a twat because its a fish thieving scoundrel and moreover I was going to fit this answer in to whatever this weeks question was regardless of relevance.
Twat cat enters my friends Garden and promptly proceeds on over to the pond to do some fishing. A number of fish have gone missing out of the pond lately so there's now a fence around it to stop any herons, who were getting the blame. The fence has 3 horizontal wires but with the bottom wire removed to allow smaller birds to get to the pond for a drink. Unaware cat is unaware however, because this is an electric fence. Cat crawls through the wet grass and safely under the fence. The greedy little fiend pokes his paw in the water, scouting for the ponds chubby residents. Getting all excited like he is however now unaware of what he's doing with his tail, which brushes the wire behind him. Mayhem ensues as cat shoots 5ft in the air, does 2 backflips and lands on all four paws. In the middle of the pond. Poor thing swims out and sprints out the garden, presumably to go dive on its owners bed covered in pond slime and old leaves.
Maybe I'm the twat for spending all day laughing
(Fri 13th Apr 2012, 15:41, More)
» Kids
hide and seek masterclass
Apparently when i was two, perhaps a bit younger, my dad was playing hide and seek with me. He came crawling round the corner on his hands and knees chasing me...and i twatted him over the head with a rolling pin. How he must have laughed. I have no idea how i managed to get my little mitts on a rolling pin that was kept in a high cupboard. I must have been an imaginative little f*cker. Dont suppose he credited me with imaginative part at the time in question. Its his fault for letting me watch Tom and Jerry.
(Sun 20th Apr 2008, 22:14, More)
hide and seek masterclass
Apparently when i was two, perhaps a bit younger, my dad was playing hide and seek with me. He came crawling round the corner on his hands and knees chasing me...and i twatted him over the head with a rolling pin. How he must have laughed. I have no idea how i managed to get my little mitts on a rolling pin that was kept in a high cupboard. I must have been an imaginative little f*cker. Dont suppose he credited me with imaginative part at the time in question. Its his fault for letting me watch Tom and Jerry.
(Sun 20th Apr 2008, 22:14, More)
» Pet Peeves
Hot and cold taps
Goes to wash hands. Uses cold tap. The water is freezing. Turns on hot tap instead. Water is also freezing. 30 seconds later water is warm...ahhh thats better. 2 seconds later water is boiling. Swears fluently. Runs hands under freezing cold tap. Tries to explain the injustice of it to everyone. No one gives a shit.
(Sun 4th May 2008, 18:33, More)
Hot and cold taps
Goes to wash hands. Uses cold tap. The water is freezing. Turns on hot tap instead. Water is also freezing. 30 seconds later water is warm...ahhh thats better. 2 seconds later water is boiling. Swears fluently. Runs hands under freezing cold tap. Tries to explain the injustice of it to everyone. No one gives a shit.
(Sun 4th May 2008, 18:33, More)
» Phobias
Spiders.. again
I know spiders is in every other post but i seem even be able to tell when the little buggers are near me without even seeing them. I try to have the i'll leave you alone if you leave me alone relationship but it doest work. Ill be laying there in the dark trying to get to sleep and all of sudden i get this feeling. The hairs on the back of my neck prick up, or whatever the hell it is, so ill turn on the light and yep theres an 8 legged little prick staring me in the face. Last time it happened one appeared on the wall above my bed. It clambered up my wall and proceded to do the whole spasticated im going to fall in your bed, im not going to fall in your bed, i am going to fall in your bed. After much bambi on ice shenanigans, although only in action and by no means cuteness, it got passed my bed and i thought i could finally and safely get some sleep. NO. It fell. It hit a picture. It landed IN my fricking bed. And an hour later when i finally found my pair of testicles, dealt with the problem, and climbed back in to bed...another one was waiting in the same spot.
(Sat 12th Apr 2008, 23:09, More)
Spiders.. again
I know spiders is in every other post but i seem even be able to tell when the little buggers are near me without even seeing them. I try to have the i'll leave you alone if you leave me alone relationship but it doest work. Ill be laying there in the dark trying to get to sleep and all of sudden i get this feeling. The hairs on the back of my neck prick up, or whatever the hell it is, so ill turn on the light and yep theres an 8 legged little prick staring me in the face. Last time it happened one appeared on the wall above my bed. It clambered up my wall and proceded to do the whole spasticated im going to fall in your bed, im not going to fall in your bed, i am going to fall in your bed. After much bambi on ice shenanigans, although only in action and by no means cuteness, it got passed my bed and i thought i could finally and safely get some sleep. NO. It fell. It hit a picture. It landed IN my fricking bed. And an hour later when i finally found my pair of testicles, dealt with the problem, and climbed back in to bed...another one was waiting in the same spot.
(Sat 12th Apr 2008, 23:09, More)
» DIY disasters
Great timing
Back when i was a wee lad my dad was busy turning the loft in to a playroom. I was busy trying to scare the bejeevus out of my brother and sister by jumping in to my room, where they were sitting unawares, and fireing my cap gun. Yes i know, devious. Now imagine my suprise when the moment i pulled that trigger, my ceiling exploded! When it was safe to look up i was confronted with a leg cavorting about from the ceiling. On closer inspection i found the leg belonged to my dad whose downfall had been caused by placing a trusting foot on the fiendishly thin boarding between the loft beams. Silly bugger only then went and fell through above his own bedroom a couple of days later. He did build a good loft though.
(Mon 7th Apr 2008, 11:45, More)
Great timing
Back when i was a wee lad my dad was busy turning the loft in to a playroom. I was busy trying to scare the bejeevus out of my brother and sister by jumping in to my room, where they were sitting unawares, and fireing my cap gun. Yes i know, devious. Now imagine my suprise when the moment i pulled that trigger, my ceiling exploded! When it was safe to look up i was confronted with a leg cavorting about from the ceiling. On closer inspection i found the leg belonged to my dad whose downfall had been caused by placing a trusting foot on the fiendishly thin boarding between the loft beams. Silly bugger only then went and fell through above his own bedroom a couple of days later. He did build a good loft though.
(Mon 7th Apr 2008, 11:45, More)