b3ta.com user Alex
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I'm a nutter. Nuf said.

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» Ouch!

Ladders, and Gravity
The most painful experience to date was taking a fair sized spill off a ladder at work. I'd been about to run some cable over the suspended ceiling, and was walking up the ladder as you do, when the ladder decided to give way. Landed heavily on the carpet tiled, concrete floor, taking half a rack of parts bins with me. Oww. Had about 8 stitches to my head, which bled like hell as head wounds do.
The thing that really irks me, was one of the other chaps who was serving a customer while this happened, saw me fall, and then buggers off to help the customer!
All the time, I'm on the floor wheezing as I've had the breath knocked out of me, trying desperately to swear!

Anyway, one up on you lot, I have it all on video!


Yes, I know. Funny isn't it.
(Sat 31st Jul 2010, 12:14, More)

» Presents

Squashed Toys...
Well, last year I bought my sister a Road Kill Toy and as it seemed to go down quite well, she's getting another this year :)
Here's what she's getting this year:

They're awesome - come in a little body bag, with a death certificate and toe-tag! And you can push the innards into them and do up little zippers to hide the really gory bits! Awesome toy!
Not got a clue what to get for the rest of the family, Gran's getting a digital photo frame but clueless about the rest!
(Thu 26th Nov 2009, 19:20, More)

» Have you ever paid for sex?

Yup, I pay for Sex on a regular basis, it's simpler, cheaper than a full time relationship, particuarly because i'm a lardass without much confidence :)
(Fri 20th Jan 2006, 18:08, More)

» I witnessed a crime

Not quite a crime but...
I work for a company that hires generators, and one sunny afternoon a year or two ago we were in London, loading out a job on an old industrial estate.
About to leave, the last task was to back up and hitch up the diesel tank to the landie, so I back the landie up and set to work with the jack to lift the tank up to the right height (no jockey wheel). From behind me I hear some commotion, as some pilled up nutter starts shouting about how we're blocking the way.
I turn round, observe that there's plenty of space and leave it to my two colleagues to tell the bloke to hang on, we'll be out of the way in a minute if he can't drive through a gap with over a foot either side...
The bloke seems to be intent on speaking to me, so eventually I turn round, notice this and walk over to him to inquire what his problem is.
He starts trying to get in my face, shouting about how we should know who he is and all that and get out of his way. Sadly however he was a tad shorter than me, so I was looking down on him, not impressed, noticing over his shoulder one of my colleagues idly playing with a hammer with the look of someone who was waiting for it to all kick off, and my other colleague with a phone in his hand, and me? well I've still got the jack handle in my hand - oops.
In the car are his missus, and a screaming infant. We carefully explain the situation to him, that he needs to back off, and we'll be out of his way. His missus notices the suitably tooled up people getting "upset" with her bloke, and starts shouting to him to get in the f*cking car right now. Eventually, he does to everyone's amazement (and slight disappointment from my colleague with the hammer I think), she manages to get him back in the car, and maneuverer around the landie, and then lays down some rubber.
And that ladies and gentlemen is about the closest i've been to witnessing a serious kicking. Oh, and he dropped his house keys as he got in the car. Whoopsy :) They got dropped down a drain. Karma's a bitch.
(Wed 20th Feb 2008, 3:32, More)

» Office Christmas Parties II

Worst Party Ever
Normally our works do's are pretty good. A decent meal, plenty of free booze and some decent entertainment, but as the company has grown the cost has become higher, and we've wound up doing less of the "Office Christmas" events and more "Hotel, Meal and Disco".

Last years was good, shared with 2 other companies in a big room, with a disco afterwards, a good time was had by all, but this year this was not to be.

For the MD had been to "Fawlty Towers" at a similar do earlier in the year, and decided that this was a lot of fun, and audience participation in the entertainment was key. So he booked us Ted & Co, a Father Ted style group, and a room for a meal at the local hotel.

Now, earlier this month one of our colleagues sadly had a fatal heart attack at work, and his funeral was just 2 days prior. So you can imagine people's reaction when their opening gambit was Father Jack, lying dead on a table in the centre of the room, with the actors encouraging people to go up and "pay their respects".

Needless to say, I'm surprised nobody punched them, I was pretty close until they recognised that I wasn't happy about being included in the entertainment and left me well alone, ditto with a few others.

Luckily the free bar made up for it, and my partner did her best to drink it dry, eventually getting cut off at around 10.45PM and passing out in the lobby as I fetched the car 15mins later... however once the actors were done, they packed up and fucked off, and took their speakers with them! Nobody had thought to organise a bit of music for people to dance to! Worst Party Ever. Dunno what the bar tab was, but the MD didn't look happy as he was paying it!
(Tue 23rd Dec 2014, 16:37, More)
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