» Celebrities part II

Gordon Ramsey, wanker
My only real encounter with a celebrity kind of covers both my being rude and being on the end of some wrath. One sunday, about 2 or 3 years ago I was wondering bleary-eyed towards my house after having been up all night in some squat in London, so I wasn't totally on the ball. Just down the road in front of me, I saw a guy carrying a big, professional looking camera and pointing it at a face I recognised but couldn't place.

After having stood about 5 feet away, gawping quite rudely at the familiar face and racking my brains for a while it struck me; I was staring blankly (probably with my mouth dangling open) at Mr Gordon Ramsey, the angriest chef in the land. Thinking I should probably get some evidence as no-one would believe that a telly person would bother coming to my little town, I pulled out my mobile and decided to take a picture.

"Excuse me, youre Gordon Ramsey aren't you? Would you mind if I took a picture?"

He glared at me, like I was an ex-lover telling him he might need to get his willy checked by a doctor and sneered:

"Maybe tomorrow eh?"

I had been well and truly boyed off, but due to my condition I didn't think to retaliate and wandered off in a daze. After a good nights sleep and a bit of time to brew on my encounter I decided that Ramsey was a bastard and kicked myself for having not shouted at least a few swears at him.

A couple of days later, as I was strolling through the town centre I saw him again. He was standing outside a restaurant (turns out he was filming some programme at a failing restaurant, hence his appearance in lil' ol' Letchworth) talking into a mobile phone. REVENGE WAS MINE!!

"OI!!"

He turned to look.

I pointed.

"WAAAANKEEEEERRRRRR!!!!"

I stuck my fingers up.

He looked very slightly bemused and went back to his conversation.

I feel like I won our little back and forth.
(Mon 12th Oct 2009, 18:07, More)

» Lies Your Parents Told You

I was lied to many a time...
My dad speaks chinese....
He was the north Yorkshire under-14's chess champion....
The waldorfs in a waldorf salad come from the legendary "waldord tree" of which there is only one..........
After talking to my dad about the Blue song (where they confess to their love of Mother's Pride) he told me that loving bakery products was traditional in music and that Led Zepplin had a song called "Mmm, Warburtons, lovely and fresh". This was about 3 months ago, and I believed him...........
(Sun 18th Jan 2004, 15:19, More)

» The Weird Kid In Class

The one at my school.
Nicknamed "Beaver" for reasons unknown (no teeth defects or penchant for eating wood), this chap was a constant source of entertainment. As I remember, he had been expelled in Year 7 for general mis-behavior but in Year 10 he was allowed to return, having been expelled from several other schools.

Upon his return, a whole barrel of rumours started to circulate regarding Beaver, the most commonly known being:
-He had sucked off a dog.
-He had placed a carrot into his bottom and ran into a room of people, whilst naked
-He had taken up eating fag butts, earning himself the additional alias "Fag-butt"

As well as a whole plethora of others regarding sexual activities with various household pets, criminal activites and nude encounters with the fairer sex.

Shortly after his return, he was expelled again following a now legendary incident, which having been witness to myself I treasure as part of my heritage.

The story goes:
He walked very calmly out of a classroom during the middle of a lesson, went into a sixth-form study room and climbed into a loft hatch. He then (so he claimed) had a few wanks, then did a poo on a plate (which I assume he had taken with him especially for said poo) and threw the plate down through the hatch. I saw the plate, and the poo.

He was expelled shortly after.

Since school, I believe he has been to prison twice, for twonking cars, and can still be found having naked japes at the most inappropriate of times.

I'd make a joke about length, but I'm new to this and feel its not really my place.
(Wed 24th Jan 2007, 14:18, More)

» Little things that turn you on

Women
In hats.

Black hats.

With black hair.

Poifect...
(Tue 22nd Feb 2005, 19:51, More)

» Irrational Fears

Moths
Little bastards. I have had an overwhelming fear of moths for a very, very long time. I hate the fact that they crawl on your face, leaving dusty footprints as you sleep. (They may not do this, but they might)

I stayed up all night because there was a moth in my room once.........
(Tue 27th Jan 2004, 18:51, More)