» The Dark

A LIGHTHOUSE/FRIGHTHOUSE.... OR SHOULD THAT BE DARKHOUSE?
This was a bad experience, not quite what 17,000 writes, but directly as a result of darkness.

When I was a young boy my parents took my brother and me on an outing to the seaside, not too far from where we lived. As we were walking along a pier we came across a tiny little structure. My parents said it was a lighthouse. We stepped inside the door, and all that was inside was a spiral staircase which went up about a third or a half of a *revolution* and then suddenly stopped, and which went down as well.

We immediately climbed up the spiral stair to the top, from where you could see out a great window of which the top of the lighthouse consisted. Because of the age we were, my brother and I (and I think my parents as well!) thoroughly enjoyed climbing up the stair and back down again to the door.

One thing struck me, however. That is, my parents (and my brother as well) seemed to completely ignore the fact that the stairs went down as well. Full of characteristic curiosity, I started down, and before long came across a tiny little niche in the wall, where I think there may have been a broom stored, though I can't remember for certain. Down I continued, and then it became dark ahead of me so I had to turn round and go back up again.

What was down there? I was to have all sorts of fantasies throughout coming years. My parents appeared at the time to be too engrossed in other things to notice the fright which their young son had just experienced. I was too overcome with fear at the time to say anything to them, and they continued to totally overlook the fact that the stairs went down as well as up.

I think if I remember correctly, I did mention something about it to my mum a few days (or possibly a few weeks) later - about how I had gone down as well in the lighthouse but it was dark down there so I had had to turn around and come back up again. Nothing, however, was said in response. Why did my parents remain 100% oblivious to the fact that the stairs went down as well?

This matter was to cause me further confusion. A bit over a year later, my mum took my brother and me to see a lighthouse. We were to be shown around by the lighthouse keeper, my mum having explained to us all about what a lighthouse was. She then told us, "Dad and I have been in a lighthouse before, though you haven't"?

I thought we had all been in one a little more than a year ago. But all that was inside was that spiral staircase. No lighthouse keeper, and no living quarters. Could my mum have forgotten about it, or made a mistake in saying that it was a lighthouse?

I remember going back to that pier at times during later years, but the *lighthouse* (if that's what the structure was) was always closed. Gradually I began to think that maybe it had just been a big coincidence that it had been open that time.

I was still overcome with fright over being confronted by the darkness that time, and a sense of mystery and fear about what could have been down the stair. I had all sorts of fantasies: Perhaps there had been trolls down there. Had I continued down in the darkness, maybe I would have eventually felt myself being attacked and eaten by one.

When I was slightly older, I learnt that Australia was beneath us. Perhaps it could have gone all the way down to Australia? If you ever came across a tower with a spiral staircase in Australia which went up, up, up into the sky, and which became dark, that must be the bottom of the lighthouse.

Could it even have gone down forever?

I had many dreams about it throughout the rest of my childhood. One featured a spiral staircase in a castle which went down as well as up, and became dark. Later in time in the dream, I stood at the top of the staircase, and was able to look down the way. There seemed to be lights marking the spot where it became dark, and it went down, down, down, .... I couldn't see how far.

In another dream I was at an airport, with people from school. 3 of us (myself included) decided to explore a spiral staircase which went down. It became dark, but we kept going. We finally reached the bottom, and searched for an exit from the airport which we knew was there, but were unable to find it.

In yet another dream - a nightmare - I was going down a metal spiral staircase. The further down, the darker it became. Now and again corridors branched off, and these became dark as well. I was terrified because there might be trolls along them and/or further down the staircase.

Not only dreams, but the lighthouse experience even found its way into my schoolwork. One time in class, we were asked to write a continuation to a story about a man arriving in an old, ruined castle. I wrote about how he went down a spiral staircase, which became dark, and ended up getting attacked by trolls and other terrifying creatures. The teacher was so impressed that she read my essay out to the whole class - a real honour, especially as I rarely managed to write stories good enough to warrant that.

Finally, 16 years after the original experience, I had the courage to tell an extremely close friend all about it. It immediately turned on a really bright light (as external viewpoints often do) when he said that maybe down the stair is where the living quarters had been. Either that or there would have been a storeroom or something down there. This immediately put an end to my endless wondering.

To further clear things up, my friend and I went along to this pier, and he explained to me that the structure was, in fact, a lighthouse - a miniature one. Like we thoroughly expected, it was locked. We had brought a torch along just in case it had been open (as a young child, it would never have occured to me to explore a dark place with the aid of a torch). We then enquired with someone about how we could possibly get in, and were told that only the piermaster, who was only around at weekends during the Summer, might possibly have the key.

Next Summer a weekend came along when my friend and I were both free. My friend (who is a keen photographer) brought along his camera with a tripod. Using this he managed to raise his camera up to the window at the top of the lighthouse to take a photo. Afterwards, we were both totally amazed when we saw that the spiral stair did in fact go up and suddenly stop, exactly as I had described.

A few minutes later we found the piermaster. He explained to us that back in the past you used to always be able to go into the lighthouse, but access to it was discontinued after it became a listed building. He did not have the key, but said he used to hang out in there as a kid. With characteristic courage, my friend told him that it looked like the stairs went down as well, to which the piermaster replied that they did. My friend then asked him what happened down there, and the piermaster replied that there was nothing down there - that it just came to a dead end - not far down.

Wow, 17 years later and the mystery was finally solved once and for all! I had two dreams that night which were inspired by the passing of the age of the lighthouse/frighthouse/darkhouse!

Could my parents have automatically known or assumed that there was nothing down there, that it just came to a dead end? Maybe they had even been in before, and that would have explained everything.

My friend, a great poet, has written a song about the experience:

What was down the stair?
It was dark down there!
What was I to do?
It's causing me despair!
What was down the stair?
It was dark down there!
What was I to do?
It's causing me despair!

That's the chorus, and he wrote many verses as well.
(Thu 23rd Jul 2009, 21:01, More)

» The Boss

THE MOST HORRIBLE BULLY OF A BOSS
NG was the boss and unfortunately the owner of this accountancy firm. I'm sure that if he hadn't been the owner he would have been out the door really quickly.
I believe he had decided from the start to victimise me because I have Asperger's Syndrome and was therefore a perfect target. I am a really good, loyal worker ( no other boss I've ever had has accused me of being lazy and stupid ) and perhaps he felt threatened in case these qualities highlighted his inadequacies.
I have a Maths degree and as a result am really comfortable working with figures, a much-sought quality in accountancy firms. NG managed to ultimately use this skill of mine against me. He refused to give me adequate training and often never bothered to explain to me properly how to do a job. For all that, he'd always be down on me like a ton of bricks if I ever made any kind of mistake - I'd be publicly chastised.
Here is the kind of thing he used to shout at me for any kind of mistake: "Oh for f*** sake! Here I am waiting for - - and you go and type the whole f***ing lot out! I can't say whether it's to do with your Asperger's Syndrome or just lazy thinking as I'm not a psychologist, but personally I'd think just lazy thinking 'cause surely having Asperger's Syndrome doesn't make you as stupid as that! I think you just have a very lazy mind! Your attitude is Numbers, Numbers, dah-dah-dah-dah-dah - F*** sake!"
Additionally NG used to make me work extra hours and have short lunches without ever reimbursing me. In fact, I discovered only after leaving that he'd been cheating me on pay all along.
Not only would NG always publicly shout at me for mistakes, but he also used to come up to the person sitting next to me and right in front of my face tell her horrible things about me, things to the effect that I was a really bad, lazy employee who was completely incompetent at everything. Nobody there would stick up for me - they say the boss's attitude will rub off on the other staff. Quite a few of them too appeared to have the attitude that I was a bad, lazy, stupid person.
One time in fact NG had lost a document he was desperately needing for a client meeting (he was always very messy, yet once gave me a big row in front of the whole office for letting my desk get somewhat untidy) and started stomping round the office, blurting out about how, "The problem in this office is that Gandalf is completely incapable of - - From now on we're all to ignore Gandalf -"
NG was an extremely arrogant and self-important person and very full of himself. For all that he used to act in unbelievably stupid ways at times. For example, he might tell whoever was answering the phone to say that he was in a meeting. He would then tell that person as they were on the phone to tell or ask the client something. The client would then hear him speaking and so refuse to believe that he was in a meeting. This would ultimately be NG's loss as the client would subsequenly be likely to leave him.
NG was maverick in that he had a slightly posh, upper-class accent, but was very foul-mouthed. Normally he would be nice to clients' faces, but might talk about them behind their backs (as I mentioned he did not always even have the curtesy to talk about me behind my back), and was constantly talking about how either they or people from the Inland Revenue were "a complete f***ing a***", or "a f***ing b**ch", or "a stupid cow". A very hypercritical individual, he once made the racist comment that he hated American people because they were so full of themselves.
Like a lot of bad people NG was good at making himself appear like a good, nice person. I remember the first time I met him I thought he just seemed like a nice, pleasant person. Hence he was obviously able to attract both clients and staff. Unsurprisingly, the place had a sky-high staff turnover rate, plus a pretty high client one as well.
Just why was NG such an awful individual? I will never know. He appeared to be happily married with two grown children who were both doing quite well for themselves. Perhaps he felt unhappy about his lack of interpersonal and management skills. Perhaps he did not like hard work (he once threw a job at me because he was going out for a game of golf, and aggressively and rudely refused to tell me how to go about doing it, saying I needed to use my brains and work it out for myself, just expecting to find it all done correctly upon returning from his game of golf) and was projecting his laziness onto me, possibly using my Asperger's Syndrome as *proof* that I was lazy.
Thankfully I am now working for another accountancy firm which is far, far better, and am flourishing in an environment which is infinitely more supportive. I have learnt so much more there than I ever did whilst working for NG, and have achieved far more for my bosses there than I ever did for NG. This just shows that you achieve far more for a good boss than you do for a bad one.
(Wed 24th Jun 2009, 21:10, More)

» Bullies

THE WEIRDEST KID IN MY SCHOOL
In my school there was a boy 4 classes above me who was a real bully, yet a lot of the time he bullied in a really weird way. He was often falsely sweet rather than directly nasty and aggressive.
I had my first encounter with him soon after I'd started school. I can vaguely recall RC walking up to me and saying (in a falsely sweet tone of voice), "Kiss me, darling" . Thereafter he used to take the micky in all kinds of ways. He was charasmatic (perhaps partly because of his eccentricity) and socially the leader of his class.
Possibly the weirdest way in which RC used to take the micky out of me was during a period when he would repeatedly come up to me and say, "Darling, can we be friends?" I was naturally very confused about how to respond, and despite his false sweetness (as opposed to direct nastiness and aggression) RC's manner was always very intimidating. I can particularly recall one incident in which he came out of his classroom and, upon seeing me in the playground, called out, "Hey wizard", and starting running towards me, "Hey, hey, hey!" Upon reaching me he again asked, "Darling, can we be friends?"
There were times when I experienced RC's more directly nasty and aggressive style of bullying. Even back then I knew that he was not really wanting to become friends with me, and was just piss-taking. One time I managed to pluck up the courage to tell him directly that we could not be friends, and he replied with, "F*** off; the next time I see you I'll kick you in the face!"
Perhaps another incident worth mentioning is the time RC handed me some kind of metallic object, telling me that it was worth a £10 note and that if I took it to the bank I would be able to exchange it for a £10 note. Even I was not fooled, and he spent some time trying to convince me, eventually giving in and angrily and aggressively ordering me to give the object back to him.
RC left school during the penultimate year (by which time he was 17). Immediately prior to then he was still being as unpleasant as ever. One time during that period when he was taking the micky out of me he placed his hand over his ear and said, "Speak a little louder, I'm a bit hard of hearing". Another time during this period after a piss-taking incident (he was with another boy in his class) he called out after me, "Gandalf, Gandalf, GANDALF!!!! We're coming to get you!"
What a relief it was when during that year RC left school! It seemed too good to be true. What I have often wondered since is, what would he have been like by the time he reached 18? Would he still have been as unpleasant as ever, or might he have finally grown up and matured by then?
I was by no means the only person RC bullied. I think he was horrible to everyone younger than himself. In fact, he used to hang around the youngest kids and ask them, "What's the 3-times table? What shape is it? How do you form it?" As was characteristic in the school I went to, the kids would start reciting, "3 is 1 times 3, 6 is 2 times 3" and so on. RC would repeat his questions, basically taking the micky and trying to confuse the hell out of them.
RC had a very intimidating manner. Another boy in the same class as myself mentioned that his worst nightmare had been about RC. A third boy recalled that RC used to viciously attack him.
Much later it was my turn to leave school. Some months afterwards imagine my surprise and shock when I encountered RC of all people walking along the street where I lived. I bumped into him several times there during the course of this first year after leaving school. He just said "Hi" to me, so I said "Hi" back to him. I was thinking that hopefully he would have finally grown up and become a nicer person. He must have been living and/or working in the area at the time.
Two or three years later I was told of an encounter one of the boys who had been in the same class as me at school had had recently with RC. CC had bumped into him by chance in a pub, along with several other people who had been in the same class as RC. RC immediately said to CC, "I was a bit of an a***hole in school", and asked CC what he had been doing since leaving school. CC told him, and then RC told CC about what he had done since school, and it was really pathetic. CC told me that RC did then seem like a perfectly nice person.
I think this just proves wrong the myth that bullies are tough and successful people. RC had always seemed like an intelligent and tough person, so it would have been natural to assume he would do very well in life after finishing school. This story shows that the bully will always be the one to suffer in the end.
Why had RC been such a horrible person throughout his school years? Well this much I now know - his parents used to beat him with a belt if he misbehaved. Perhaps he was thus venting his anger and frustration onto anyone younger than himself.
If someone is a bully, there's always a reason for it. Bullies always have low self-esteem - if their self-esteem was high they would not bully anyone because they would have no need to do so. They would thrive soley on positive interactions with other people.
(Mon 18th May 2009, 19:55, More)

» My most gullible moment

SET UP OF A TEENAGER WITH ASPERGER'S SYNDROME
I have Asperger's Syndrome, and one symptom of this condition is gullibility. When I was a kid, other kids used to take advantage of this all the time, having laughs at my expense.
Probably the most significant example, however, would have been the incident which occurred when I was 16. By then I'd finally made some friends ( the most important symptom of Asperger's Syndrome is difficulty socialising and making friends because of appearing different ) and, along with one other guy, was invited round to the house of one of them after school. To begin with, everything seemed to go well. This guy lived alone with his mother, and she'd gone out. So the 3 of us were there by ourselves, just chatting away and chilling out.
Presently it was time for me to leave, and I told this to the person whose house it was. He replied to me in a very apologetic way that I'd need to climb out the living room window, as his mum had double-bolted the door when going out, thinking none of us would be leaving before she was back, and he unfortunately didn't have a key. So he summoned me over to the window and opened it for me, and I climbed out.
Once out, he announced to me that the whole thing was bogus - the front door was not unopenable - and the other friend ( were they in fact proper friends? ) instantly started roaring with laughter, and after calming down a bit told me in a sniggering way that he ( the person who lived there ) was going to let him out the " proper " way, and so he did. Then the two of us walked away together.
I was furious with him. I hadn't had much opportunity to be angry with the guy who lived there, but I could tell that this other person had been involved in the set up as well, and when I tried to give him a piece of my mind all he could insist on was that it had been funny beyond belief. I knew he would go round school telling everybody all about what had happened, and that I would start to look really bad.
Perhaps I should have ended my friendship wtih both of them right then and there, only I would have been the one to suffer as they had other friends as well and I didn't. Boy, are kids cruel, and that applies to teenagers as well. The attitude just seems to be, if you sense any signs of weakness and being different don't show any sympathy, just take advantage, take advantage, take advantage....
I still feel quite angry about it now.
(Sun 24th Aug 2008, 19:24, More)

» I witnessed a crime

Kicked to the ground on a fine Summer evening
This was back in 2002. I was walking home one night when suddenly on the other side of the street I heard shouting. I looked round and saw a man aged in his 30's running along with a young kid ( his son? ) close behind him. He reached a man aged in his 40's and with just one swipe of his leg had him down on the ground and started repeatedly kicking him in the body and the face.
I was naturally very shocked. But before I'd had the chance to decide what ( if anything ) to do, he stopped, and started running away with the kid close on his heels. The victim started rising slowly but at that same moment the attacker ( who had a stereotypically criminal appearance ) suddenly burst out swearing and ran back to the man again, knocking him to the ground and viciously kicking him in the face and mouth. I stood, watching from across the street, flabbergasted, until he eventually stopped and ran away with the kid, this time for good. Meanwhile the victim got up, very slowly and painfully, with blood streaming from his mouth. I wondered whether I ought to offer him assistance of any kind, but he disappeared out of sight very quickly.
I don't know whether I should have called the police the moment I first saw it happening. Or even gone to the police station and reported it afterwards. I suppose I decided it would be up to the victim to do that if he felt it seemed appropriate. This was an example of witnessing something and not knowing whether to intervene or simply let the situation be.
I can only speculate about what could have caused the attacker to commit the crime. Perhaps it could have been the result of a vendetta of some kind. Or, assuming that the kid was the son of the attacker, it's possible that the victim could ( perhaps previously ) have been nasty to him in some way.
Whatever the cause, what an absolutely disgraceful example the attacker was setting for the young boy!
(Sun 17th Feb 2008, 20:18, More)