» Cringe!

My Dad
About 15 years ago my dad sat down for Breakfast with quite the horrific hangover, however what was more impressive was the cut he now had covering his nose, one of those Hollywood scars that just look fucking cool.

I began asking him how he got it, imagining him as a drunken pugilist, one of those swashbucklers from yesteryear. He wouldn't actually tell me though, just saying that he walked into a lamp post whilst drunk. Now he's quite a big bloke and I was (still am) a 6 foot drip, so I was fascinated by all this going out with the workmates, drinking, fighting.. stuff I'd never really do.

Anyhow 10 years later and I'm at my sisters wedding, me and my dad are bonding and I bring up the nose thing again, finally he's drunk enough to tell me what happend.

Turned out he'd gone to the cash machine, started to withdraw cash and a car pulled up behind him full of the usual bored scallys...

By now I'm leaning forward in anticipation he's looking around making sure no one is listening, just me that gets to know his dark side, man stuff

..anyhow car pulls up, my dad thinks shit, I'm going to get mugged, grabs his cash as fast as he can, turns to run and bounds straight into a lamp post, knocked him out cold, apparently as he came round all he could see was the car bouncing around as the buggers lost a lung laughing.

I think he just lied there for a while, crying
(Sat 29th Nov 2008, 19:35, More)

» Stalked

Bad Person
I joined simply to reply to every message with

'I can't beleive you're telling them all about us, incidentally hows life treating you nowadays? I see you've had your hair cut'

Does that make me an asshole?
(Tue 5th Feb 2008, 12:21, More)

» Have you ever seen a dead body?

Where have you been Clive?
Well I was talking to my old buddies Chris, Teddy and Vern, and it turns out that Verns brother knew the location of Ray Browers body.

So we lied to our parents and went on an adventure. We all joked, talked about cartoons, sang songs. When we did find the body who should show up but Jack Bauer calling himself 'Ace'

Well he was quite frightening and said he was going to report the body, then he threatened Chris, So I grabbed Chris' gun and threatened Ace who eventually left. We looked at the body and decided an ononimous phone call was the best way to handle this. I think we all learned a little about life over that summer which is ironic as it started off on a journey looking for death.

...and that darling, is what really happened

length? Biggest one in four counties!

(apologies, sheletered life, can't remmember any bodies)
(Thu 28th Feb 2008, 12:02, More)

» Karma

Casper, the almost ghost
About 8 or 9 years ago now when I was about 17/18 and I had the pleasure of having contacted an agency, being given a job working in maturation at a chicken
factory... its basically transporting chickens around a giant freezer, not as monotonous as working on the productions line, just bloody cold.
With a bank holiday monday looming, and fearing that I may have to spend it getting shitfaced at the local, sitting in the beaming sun by the river banks, I
was ecstatic to here that it was company policy to work the bank holidays, and with no extra pay, Glorious.

So off I set, driving down one of the busier Lincolnshire roads, and quite an accident hotspot. About halfway down I spot a young lad, maybe 14ish riding his bike on the grass verge by the side of the road, he had a fishing rod under his arm as he cycled, and was weaving around. Immediately I was filled with dread.

Sure enough without warning, I'm not sure wether he lost balance, or just turned without looking (I assume the latter) he flew across the road being hit straight on by the car infront of me. I'm not sure if you've ever witnessed a crash, but as you can imagine its quite horrific. Bike and boy (fishing rod as well) hit the drivers front window, smash it, bounce up in the
air, collapse on top of his car, then slide off onto the road. The driver braked and just seemed to stay there, sat inside, neither moving.

I shot out, ran to the boy who was amazingly moving around on the floor, I looked at the car wondering if the other driver was going to just floor it out of there. Leaving the boy I went to the driver to make sure he was alright as well. It was then I realised he wasn't going to try and run, the poor guy was just terrified. I assured him the lad was alright, and he
eventually left the car.

After the lad (whose name was Casper and looked like the milky bar kid.. a bullys wet dream) made it clear he was just shaken but alright, the driver started with the 'what the hell were you doing?' type of sympathy. In all fairness I'd have been fuming too, but I think he'd learnd his lesson. Anyhow, the driver tells me that his wife is in hospital and he's pretty much been there for the last few days, not slept etc... usually I'd be quite sceptical, but having seen the state of the man, more than just shock, I reckon there was probably a glimmer of truth in this.

Anyhow I got his adress, phone number, insurance, all that sort of stuff. I told him I'd sort it out, and off he toddled. So I asked a house opposite if they could look after the lads mangled bike (amazingly bloke that owned house said he'd try and fix it), had a look around for his missing shoe (that myth is true, he had lost a shoe in the crash and it was nowhere to
be found), then got him in the car so I could take him to the hospital. He completely refused this and insisted I take him home, after much pleading I agreed, figured I didn't want to upset him anymore and surely his parents would take him anyhow.

So I drive him home, park up, walk to his house to explain to his parents what had happened, I speak to his mum who was this angry East European lady, gave her the drivers details and explain about the hospital. She goes mad,probably more at him, but yelling at me as well, then has a go about his bike and his shoe, I suspect she actually thought I had hit him and wasn't really understanding my quite thick (at the time) Yorkshire accent, he wasn't helping either, generally storming around the place swearing about his shoe.

So with a mention of his father coming I skulked out, if his english was as bad as hers I reckon I would be plastered all over the walls before I got the chance to explain it wasn't me. Feeling a little deflated
I continued my journey to work. I'm a few hours late, I sign in, there a bit pissed off at me, obviously being a bank holiday they were short staffed.

I'm at work, start shift, radio is on. A story comes on the local news about a boy being hit by a car and having to be rushed to hospital, again that dread returns. Then the next report towards the end of my shift says that the young lad has died.

I get out, drive home, check the news straight away. It has a photo on there and thankfully (if thats right) it turned out that it wasn't Casper.

So Karma?

Got yelled at
Had my pay docked
I had my attendance/timekeeping bonus removed
Lost that job (didn't beleive my story)

In retrospect it was the best thing that ever happened to me, Chickens were not my chosen career and having to listen to David Gray all day on the shitty local radio was driving me insane

Guess it's good that Casper didn't die either, that would have really annoyed me

Length Apologies etc
(and semi relevance to QOTW noted)
(Fri 22nd Feb 2008, 11:23, More)

» Guilty Pleasures, part 2

Awful Pun
When we were younger we used to empty earl grey granules into the local trout farm, Once we were caught by the farms owner, we really got quite a bollocking, he told us of how he had to clean all the trout afterwards with a toothbrush as they were having trouble breathing, he begged us not to do it again. Looking back it was quite immature.

However his gill tea plea sure was funny
(Wed 19th Mar 2008, 12:06, More)