b3ta.com user Allisade
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» Unexpected Nudity

Surprise nudity? Well it's not really a surprise when toddlers strip out of clothes and go running around but ...

My best friend's toddler boy was amazing. Whenever he was left alone with the household cat (a significantly large grey tom about 2/3rds the kids size and weight) he would strip off all of his clothes, get a death grip on the cat's tail - and then standing there naked behind a starting to get annoyed cat, holding on for dear life - he would then let loose with a stream from his little willie - peeing on the cat.

The cat would take off at mach speeds - pulling the kid along behind him in a skipping bouncing high acceleration adventure where the kids stubby little legs would only touch down every few feet in giant leaps and bounds as they traversed the apartment. He screamed with delight and joy the whole way "kitty! kitty!" and he never, not for a moment, *ever* stopped peeing on the cat.

Sometimes he'd reach down with one hand to adjust his equipment and aim - after rebounding off a wall or a table he was sometimes a bit out of alignment - but mostly he just couldn't miss - he was less than a tail's length away from something almost the same size as he was =)

Truly - the combination of the sheer happiness on the kids little face and the utter terror the poor cat was experiencing - will forever be locked in memory for me - I was just standing there talking a bit with his mum when the two of them came rocketing out of the hallway and crossed the living room in front of me, making a large u-turn (no skid marks at least =)) and then back into the hallway, the giggling and "kitty!" chanting taking on a doppler effect as it passed us by. Her reaction was to say "oh my, he's at it again" and raise her hand to her mouth to hide the smile while I just went from stunned senseless to smiling from ear to ear as my brain processed and replayed the scene and I realized what it was I had seen =)

The scene cheers me up even now just thinking about it =)

(it's years later, but if I ever encounter a tiger in the wild... for at least 2 seconds before I attempt to flee for my life - I'll be sorely tempted to risk life, limb (and certainly todger) to re-enacting the scene at adult sizes.. I know it won't work... I know one swipe and it'd be over but... but.. it just looked like so much fun!)

(I think it's too late to get on the best sheet... but I'd be touched if you gave me a click anyway =))
(Wed 3rd Jun 2009, 22:18, More)

» Eccentrics

The Geekpad
What happens when you put 4 of the geekiest extroverted guys in the world together in one house?

You get the Geekpad. It has it's own email domain, website, etc - but more important are it's parties...

You come in and you're directed to a back room, where an ID card is made for you - a picture taken, a name put on it all set!

What's the ID card for? For getting drinks of course - when you go to the free bar they swipe your card and enter which drink you wanted. Why would they do this?

For the updated Up to the Second, running totals leaderboard displaying everyone's blood alcohol content in the main room!

Each person's name and BAC was ranked displayed and adjusted itself over time for how quickly your liver would take care of things against how much more alcohol you were putting in... want to know the right time to pounce on that girl across the way? Well, where is she on the board? Do you get to keep your keys? Where are you on the board? Want to know how much liquid courage it took for that guy to approach you? check the board =)

It was an instant conversation starter, they had the proper "buzz" levels marked for each weight category, and it was just weird enough to be cool.

Of course the competitions guys had to hit #1 were ridiculous - quite possibly the most dangerous "video game" ever - but on the other hand, it's not like guys don't compete to be drunkest idiot anyway...

Good fun, good people - and I think it counts as eccentric =)
(Tue 4th Nov 2008, 14:37, More)

» Sexism

My friend is often labeled a sexist...
Her: "My EYES are UP HERE!"
Him: "You've spent the last 30 minutes going on and on about your fucking cat despite everyone here trying to change the subject, apparently being rude, self absorbed and inconsiderate is our theme tonight, I'm gonna run with it."

He continued to stare at her tits for the next half hour, determinedly, like they were bombs that'd go off if he looked away.

She decided to call it an early night.

Him: "Man, I hooked up with an older woman last night."
Me: "Yeah? How was it?"
Him: "I couldn't stop looking at her hair."
Me: "what about it?"
Him: "she was riding me and all I could think was "Hi ho Silver, away!""


Her: "My boyfriend is an immature sexist asshole."
Him: "What's he do?"
Her: "Whenever we argue he's all "Oh what do you know, you're a woman" and when he's wrong about something he won't admit it - he'll say "Woman, get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich!", it's just so wrong it drives me up the wall - it doesn't even make sense - what can you come back with when someone says that shit?"
Him : "Well, you should 'come back' with a sandwich - if you know what's good for you."

I was eating a sandwich when they had this conversation in front of me (probably what sparked it off), the look on her face when he said that made me snort lettuce and mustard through my nostrils. It hurt.

Him to his gf:
"Why do I always drive? Cause it's my fucking car.
Why don't I want to go shopping? Cause it's my fucking money.
Why do I want to have sex all the time? Cause you're my fucking woman, unless you're not my fucking woman - in which case, I'll get me another woman - who'll do some fucking."
Her: "I hate you."

He's often single. Equally interesting - he's often not single...

The line that lost him his job:
"Yes, I called you "hon", you know what I call him? Fuckhead. He's not complaining, you know why? Cause he's not a fucking twat."

HR heads are so often women... so, you know, the logic was lost on her.

Him: (pointing to two women on the side of the road by a broken down car) "I think they're whores!"
Me: (wtf?) "Yeah man, highway whores in suburbia, it's a whole new thing. I bet they make a fortune."
Him: "Fuck you - Road head is awesome. Let's go back."

The thing is, it *would* make the work commute a lot nicer, and you could use the high occupancy vehicle lanes... stress would go down as soon as they did...

One of his stories:
(warning: contains explicit sluttiness (of both genders) and I can't vouch for anything but the first part)

"So I'm dancing up this girl and she reaches back and she grabs my crotch while lookin over her shoulder at me. It's kinda hot sure, but all I can think of at that moment (other than I'm gonna score tonight) is - she doesn't even know my name yet. So I go along, but since I've had this thought - I never introduce myself. Not like she's really bringing it up you know? Instead I keep using these little pet names, baby, honey, darlin, and she's doing the same. And at the end of the night after we've both had a fine fuck - she's cuddling up next to me and telling me she thinks we have something really special.

And I'm thinking "with WHO?"

So, I told her I thought she was special too, and that I'd been looking for a long time, and that I was happy she felt the same way, and we started talking about how good we work and all this positive lovey shit and I started having sex with her again and I was pouring on the lovey talk and she's all sensitive from the first time and I'm really fucking her silly and she was cummin really easy and going out of her head and barely able to think and I started saying over and over to her "Say my name! Say my name! Baybee I LOVEEEE you! SAY MY NAME!"

It took a while to get through her sex haze but she finally heard me and I got to watch her face while she tried to say it and realized she couldn't remember it... she was trying so hard to remember my name, but she was under me and I kept pumping away at her and she could barely think, her eyes are rolling back up in her head but I keep laying it on her "baybee I gotta hear you say my name, lover, please just say it for me and.." and I'm doing everything I could to keep her going towards a really big O and she's falling apart trying to think and she making these weird noises and scrunching up her face and I finally figure out she's starting to cry while she's cumming but both at the same time so her eyes are crinkled and tearing but her mouth is wide open and gasping "oh my god" from the sex so it's coming out all "Oh my god!" when she breathes out but then she's sobbing and hiccuping when she breathes in and it's "(oh my god) (sob) (hiccup) (oh my god) (sob) (snort) (OH MY GODohmygodohmygod) (aaaaaah!)" and finally she cums really hard and her whole faces scrunches up and she kinda sits up and I pull out and as she sucks in this really long ragged breath with these little crying hiccups I put her hand on my cock and she starts jerking me off onto her stomach and she bawls out this tortured wail "Baybee I don't know your naaaammmeeeee!!" and I cum all over her.

Best. Fucking. Sex. Of. My. Life."


I'm surprised they're not married.

And I think having some length is grand.
(Tue 5th Jan 2010, 20:30, More)

» The thing I've been most ashamed of doing with a penis

Apparently the most shaming thing you can do is just have one...
I have one. But I'm thinking of trading it in for something else. Being an adult male (aka: "possessor of a penis") is a shameful shameful thing.

The other day I'm walking home past my old grade school - I see the kids out playing in the field and I get a bit nostalgic for my younger days. One kid isn't getting to play cause the teams wouldn't be even - so I say what the hell to myself and I hop the fence and ask the kids if they mind me joining in for a bit so we all can play - the outcast kid's face lights up like a christmas tree and ... I'm escorted off the grounds by security (when did schools get security?!?) before I can walk halfway to the field.

Apparently my penis has made me a gay pedophile.

Shameful penis!

My parents will never understand.

I get home quite upset, to find out my roommate's got her lady friends over and they're bemoaning the current economic and job situation. 5 Minutes into that conversation I find out I'm responsible for the (unforgivably low) wages and (totally undesirable) positions of millions of women I've never met, nor hired, nor negotiated salaries with.

Frikkin PENIS! The shame! Now it masterminds the economy!

I take some umbridge at some of the more colorful terms being thrown my way and my roommate, lovely lass that she is - throws a punch at me. And then another. And another. Raising my hands in defense I manage to whack her on the chin. Cops are called.

Unbelievable penis! Now it's made me a domestic abuser!

Forms filled out, bail paid - I run to the pub to drown my sorrows and maybe find a sympathetic shoulder to lean on.

I'm informed by quite a few ladies over the course of the night that my company and conversation are welcome - but only if they come with a pint or fancy drink and a shit load of chatting up - to make up for the fact that I have a (shameful) penis.

Expensively inconvenient intoxicatingly shameful penis! Your very presence demands restitution in the form of libations!
The whole world knows of your evil.

Back at a lovely lasses place later, we have a bit more wine, and get down to business ... where I find out my shameful penis has arrived ready and willing to please - but her righteous vagina is completely unprepared!

Ever-ready penis! FRUSTRATING VAGINA.

So there's cuddling, and snuggling, and kissing and nibbling, and lascivious licking, and lapping of lusciously lustrous lower lips and honestly quite a bit more work on my part which, having a penis, I'm responsible for providing so things can continue to the mutually pleasurable portion.

Slightly wilting, tired and possibly shameful in a whole new way Penis!

Yet we do succeed in a energetic coupling of drunken debauchery and mutual delight and the shameful penis is satiated for another day.

Happy penis. Happy vagina.

Except... in the morning, for reasons of her own - from her past, that evil uncle, from unbalanced chemicals, from anger, need, or whatever...

and because I have a shameful penis

On this innocent morning, after our night of doing all the same things together, she changes her mind and...

I wake up a rapist, and she wakes up a victim.

Damn fucking penis.

It's just shameful the things it does to us. Sometimes I just hate having one.

For the record, and to maybe cut back on some possible reactive comments, yes this is an imaginary story - and - I know it's not easy having a vagina either =)

but, while acknowledging that there are advantages of being a male in society - there really are some disadvantages as well...

one of which seems to be, That if you have a penis - you're a shameful person until proven otherwise, which I'm quite tired of.

This QOTW just kinda set me off I guess - why couldn't it have been the "proudest most impressive thing you've ever done with your penis"? really. seriously. HONESTLY.

I quite like mine. No shame what so ever.

That's probably obvious though =)

No apologies for anything.

*However, No defense of actual rapists, pedos, domestic abusers or the like is intended by this stupidity. Evil is evil no matter the gender. duh.
(Thu 12th Mar 2009, 18:56, More)

» Family codes and rituals

Every stripper scene in a movie...

Every time a woman kicked ass and took names on tv, posing afterward covered in blood and bosom heaving...

Every cheap and tawdry sex scene in some back alley, motel room or prostitute laden opium house...

My father would say "And that boys, was how I met your mother."
(Fri 21st Nov 2008, 15:30, More)
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