b3ta.com user shake'n'bake
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» The Apocalypse

The world ending horror from near Geneva... Switzerland...
Cast your mind back to the year two thousand and eight. It was a very exiting and fearful time filled with promises of futuristic wonder; e-books, a black guy in charge of America and most of all the invention which would tell us the science behind the fabric of the universe.

I am of course talking about the Large Hadron collider.
It was in all the papers and on the telly of how it could prove the discovery of the mythical "god particle" the "higgs boson".
Speculation was agasp at how it could either revolutionise science or create the most destrutive force in the universe. No not Brian Blessed with a mega phone, a BLACK HOLE.

I was twenty one and my father was busy in the back garden of his house. He was always tinkering with something or another; bikes, homemade ladders/death traps etc etc.
After twenty minutes of banging he called me into the garden with a cry of childish glee.

"You know that black hole that might happen?" He said looking into my eyes with mad intent.
"yeeess" I replied slowley and carefully.
"I've made something to stop us getting sucked into oblivion"

I looked at his grinning face and then to the kitchen window where my mother was washing pots in the sink under it, she just looked at me and shook her head sadly.

"Go on then" I said as he lead me up the garden path before pointing at small patch he had cleared away of weeds and grass.

In that patch ladies and gentlemen was a tent peg hammered into the ground with a piece of nylon string attached.

I was that gobsmacked that i forgot to ask why it took him twenty minutes of banging to make it.
(Fri 15th Jun 2012, 4:38, More)

» The B3ta Cookbook

I made this when i was a child
Sausage suprise
Feeds 1

1 large packaged Sausage from the outer reaches of russia or somewhere
(Found at the back of the fridge next to the garlic that's begun to take root)

40 allsorted lengths of spagetti
(You can harvest your own from the bottom of the bread bin)

1 tea spoon of salt
(Gatherd from the rim of the empty salt shaker)

Step 1: Poke all fourty Lengths of Spagetti through the Sausage.
Step 2: Boil Sausage with spagetti in water.
Step 3: Remove Sausage, Spagetti thing with bare hands and scream like a little girl.
Step 4: Get mother to take out the Sausage thing.
Step 5: Decide not to eat the thing and leave it under your sisters pillow.
Step 6: Sprinkle salt on her bed to garnish.

Length? Oh about two weeks confined to early nights with no dinosaur biscuits at all.
(Thu 28th Jun 2012, 23:05, More)

» Kids

Did you know that
fat children cry butter?
(Tue 22nd Apr 2008, 4:31, More)

» Wanking Disasters Part II

A new girlfriend had promised me a bit of downstairs toungue massage.
Unfortunatly i got this message via text at work and being the imaginative man i am thusly got a stonk on.
Not wanting to show any customers my unimpressive buldge i made my excuses and ran to the upstairs toilet to try to coerce the little fellow back into hiding.
Cold water and viciously punching my crotch had no effect so the only way past my predic(k)ament was to have some time with five fingered (h)andria in one of the stalls.
As i reached the vinigar strokes the toilet door opened and one of my co workers loudly shouted my name , i quickly turned my noise of orgasmic pleasure into retching noises whilst using a bunch of toilet paper to catch the mess.
They let me go home early and told me to look after myself.
Later that evening the nice lady undid my trousers and got to work, rougly three seconds into the act she took something out of her mouth at looked at it puzzelingly.
A whole section of toilet paper was now in her hand.
Thusly ends my tale and that relationship for that matter.
(Fri 18th Feb 2011, 1:59, More)

» Absolute Power

Children .. the gullible fools
When i was a young chap my mother thought it would be a good idea to put me and my brother in charge of the party games at my little sisters birthday party.

We then proceeded to con them into following a series of arrow post it notes around the garden through the house , out of the bathroom window back to the garden , into the shed and then starting all over again claiming they'd missed something on the way.

Meanwhilst we scoffed a shedload of party food and watched telly whilst the gullible fools completed at least 8 full circuits.
(Sun 11th Jul 2010, 4:00, More)
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