» I witnessed a crime

Mistaken Identity
After a well spent boozy bank holiday Monday in 2006 in a mate's bar in Clapham I was advised (not being a local) to walk across the Common to get a bus back to Clapham Junction and catch a train home to the safety of the countryside and my home. This all sounded so easy, a nice fuzzy-headed stoll through the park followed by a well earned kip on the train was just what I needed. The reality was somewhat different.

About five minutes into my stroll I passed the band stand where a I spotted a 'youth' walking my way, not such a big problem I though, it is a public place after all. This was about 10 pm so I couldn't realy make him out from a distance but as he came closer he smiled innocently and asked for the time. I didn't have a watch so I had to apologise and went to walk on, he then asked if I had a mobile, again an innocent question I though as that would indeed have provided the time. I was fully into my 'alternative' living at this stage of my life so I was yet to get a mobile (yes it was 2006) so I once again had to apologise. This is when it turned bad. He reached into my pocket as if to proove to himself that I didn't have a mobile, he was disappointed to find only my tobacco. At this point I pushed him away and made to scarper but he asked me to look behind myself so in comedy panto style I looked over my shoulder in time to see a well aimed fist coming towards my face. I'll spare you the details but after a good old school kicking I ended up with a broken nose, two black eyes, a fractured jaw, two broken ribs and various other bruises, cuts etc. etc. Nice. (I did manage to spit a tooth at one of them in the middle of it, this might not have helped).

After picking myself up and realising that I had not only been beaten but also robbed I stumbled back to my mates house, all the way down the high street with blood pouring out of may face (note no-one asked if i was OK). I luckily found him and his girlfriend in and able to help and was soon well on the way to herbally reducing the pain and a full recovery was made.

You may wonder why this otherwise brutal story was thought relevent for such a light hearted website, well here is the punch line (sorry). After calling the police to report the theft a couple of full on inspectors turned up because it was a violent crime and needed immediate attention, I was in no mood, and more importantly well on the way to a Marleyesque paradise sleep so I said I would report it in the morning. They had a few simple questions first though. Where, when, how many etc.? but the highlight was 'were you on the way to the bushes or away from the bushes sir?'

I not only got pulped by two lids that night but the Metropolitain Police accused me of cottaging.

My reply is not suitable for publication.
(Tue 19th Feb 2008, 13:34, More)