» I Quit!

The Vegan Van
When I was 14, I got my first ever job. I got paid £40 a day and for this princely sum, I got to travel up to a market in East London, set up the food van, make and cook all the food, serve, clean the fucker down at the end of the day, get abuse hurled at me, and then, weary and smelling of falafel, get funny looks on the train home. And all of this, I did on my own, at 14 years of age.

It was a piss take. Which I soon realised. And I was lonely.
So I employed my younger sister (who was 10)for £8 a day, out of my 40 to help.

The the horrible rat-faced bitch boss decided that I had been stealing and that I'd have to get an official warning. I hadn't been stealing. But I'd been accused and punished, so I thought I may as well benefit...

So my sister and I would randomly shut the van (usually at lunchtime, so we didn't have to deal with the rush) and take tupperware pot which constituted the till and go clothes shopping in the market....

The netball-playing militant bitch called me over and said that she knew I was stealing. I replied;

"Yes, I am. But the last time you asked I wasn't and I still got punished. And you have no proof because you don't have a proper till you cheap bitch."

I started walking away, and my little sister turns round and snipes;

"Yeah, and we quit, Fatty!"

Bless...

We were such lovely children...
(Thu 22nd May 2008, 15:08, More)

» Kids

Curiosity... erm... made my Dad look like a paedo...
I was three. Went something like this.

Me; "What do men have instead of lady-parts?"
Mam; "Willys"
Me; "Does Daddy have a willy."
Mam; "Yes. Show her your willy Dad, she'll have to see one sooner of later."

My Da does. Begrudgingly. My Mam is a persuasive lady.
Later, my Da takes me with him to the pub...

Me (to random man at the bar); "Have you got a willy?"
Man; "Yes"
Me; "Can I see it?"
Man; "erm...no"
Me; "My Da's got a willy and it's MASSIVE!"

People stop mid-drink. An eerie silence descends over the bar. My Da, completely unphased says "Buy this girl whatever she wants to drink"

I'd like to think this experience hasn't altered my life, but I'm pretty sure I got into Sparrow Dodger's pants by asking to see his willy in a bar... I'm pretty sure he bought me drinks for asking that question too...

Aaaahhhh... The words of Philip Larkin ring so true....
(Mon 21st Apr 2008, 0:40, More)

» Public Transport Trauma

why I hate the underground.
A guy offered me his seat.
I said it was okay.
He insisted, given 'my condition'.
What condition?
He insists that a pregnant woman shouldn't be made to stand.

I wasn't pregnant.
Just fat.
(Thu 29th May 2008, 16:26, More)

» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

my little sister
leaves floaters, massive chunky floaters...

So, on her first overnight stay at her boyfriends, you may have thought she'd just hold it in. But no. She left one.

There it was, staring up at her. The rest of her boyfs family were all in the sitting room, so she knew they would all know it was her.

Normal people would perhaps break it up with a loo brush and continue flushing until the little blighter went on its merry way to poo-heaven. Again, no. She fished it out of the loo, wrapped in in toilet paper and put it in the bathroom bin.

Classy.

The next morning.
She, her boyf and the rest of the family are sitting round having breakfast and the boyf's mother comes out of the bathroom...

"Who wrapped up a turd and put it in the bathroom bin?" she enquires.

Without hesitating or even looking her way, her boyfriend (bless him) says "Oh, sorry mum, it was me, thought it would be funny"

That's love. Taking the wrap for something like that and for knowing her that well that he knew it was her.

Methinks he's a keeper. Doubt Sparrow Dodger would do that for me!
(Fri 28th Mar 2008, 0:21, More)

» How nerdy are you?

Not as bad as a lot of you but....
1) I correct my own grammar while I'm speaking.
2) I proof-read all my emails, texts and wallposts looking for possible spelling/punctuation/grammatical errors.
3) The fact that my phone doesn't have apostrophes causes my physical pain sometimes.
4) I watch all the extras on my DVD's and when I see a piece of camera equipment that I don't recognise I go on the internet and research what it is/ what is does/ how to use it/ how much it costs etc.
5) I can read and write fluently in Elvish and Dwarvish (as seen in LoTR)
6) I have an elvish translation of Puck's last monologue from "Midsummer Night's Dream" tattooed on my back. Which I translated.
7) I can recite every line that Puck has in "Midsummer Night's Dream" and I've never played him.
8) I got bored of looking at the words to "Hen Wlad Fy Nhadau" on Mr. Ryfelwyr's wall and not knowing what they mean, so I went online and looked for a translation. Then I taught it to myself, phonetically. And I'm not welsh.
9) I enjoy watching Mr. Ryfelwyr playing WOW, because I secretly want to myself, because it looks cool. (Now that really is geeky).
10) I can link any actor (living or dead) to any other actor through films they have starred in together/ familial bonds/marriages etc. Seriously.
11) I spend at least one hour a day on IMDB. And it's the happiest hour of my day.
12) I can recite most of Wordworth's work. I learned it for fun.
13) I look up random historical periods/events/people (not just online, I go to the library too) and research them until I am satisfied that I know as much as I need to. I sometimes make quizzes for myself about them. At the moment it's Sinn Fein and the roots of the troubles in Northern Ireland. Last week was Hedd Wyn, which led to me reading up about other Welsh poets. I ended up finding translations for all the poems...and then learning them. In Welsh. It got messy.
14) When I can't sleep, I think about steady-cams and how clever they are. But it makes me too excited because I start planning films and then I stay up all night.
15) I wish I'd got into WarHammer. I like the fiddley painting.
16) I took 4 people on at LoTR Trivial Pursuit. And won. Hands Down.
17) I find it a turn-on that Mr. Ryfelwyr did maths at uni, because he knows things about numbers that I don't.
18) I know everything, EVERYTHING, about Harry Potter. Fact.
19) I learned all of Laura's monologues from "Brief Encounter" because they recited it in "The History Boys" and I thought it sounded cool. It doesn't.
20) I love Firefly. I saw a shop in Sheffield that used the same font for it's sign as "Serenity" and I nearly peed my pants with excitement.
21) I wish I had the courage to say 'shiny' in everyday conversation, but don't in case someone asks where it comes from. I know I don't have to explain its origins on here..
28) I did the Firefly quiz on facebook until it ran out of questions to ask me. So I wrote some questions for myself. That's right.

There are so many other reasons, but I feel I should stop...
(Wed 12th Mar 2008, 14:56, More)