b3ta.com user CaptainSpunker
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» I'm glad nobody saw me

Too hairy for own good
I must have been about 20 or so and was impressed by a mate's ability to light his own farts. I must have been in my youth as this no longer impresses me, finding a savings account with a good return is now more my pace, anyway I digress.

I thought I would try to light own fart when returned home, even took on some fuel, a kebab. As one was brewing I prepared myself for my new talent. I thought if I was going to do this properly then trousers and pants must be removed.

So I perched on the side of my armchair, pants round ankles and leaned forward to get a good look. My fart was so fierce that it set light to my arse hair, which itself was so long that it was still alight when it floated up and hit me in the face.......and then proceeded to set my right eyebrow alight.

So running around room smacking myself in the face with a burnt arsehole then falling flat on said face due to trousers round ankles.

I was no longer impressed with such an activity.
(Tue 1st Feb 2011, 11:57, More)

» Call Centres

My old man
Cold caller - can I talk to you about mortgages sir
My old man - no probs, how much do you need?
CC - um no that is not....

(Fri 4th Sep 2009, 16:30, More)

» School Projects

CDT wasn't for me
Wooden toilet roll holder.

One slight design flaw, you couldn't replace the toilet roll.

Nicely sanded though.

Perhaps the most eco-unfreindly device ever created a use once wooden toilet roll holder.

Good wipage that
(Tue 18th Aug 2009, 11:46, More)

» School Naughtiness

Laminating Tricolore Books
I was in the thicky french class at school. The last day of term they obviously assumed we would learn nothing more due to our tiny brains. Instead of learning we were asked to laminate the new 1st years Tricolore books.

We were given clear stickyback plastic and scissors and told to get to work whilst the teacher went of for a fag/drink/sex/whatever.

Aged 14 we also had an abundance of pubic hair, well not for long as that made its way to the inside cover of the text book.

No way to remove without ruining the book, the crime wouldnt have been discovered until the new term. It was never mentioned but the thought of some young girl excited about learning a new language confronted by a clump of pubes amuses me to this day.
(Fri 9th Sep 2011, 16:10, More)

» The most childish thing you've done as an adult

Childish and Racist
Every time I walk past some people of oriental persuassion I hum "hong chong chinaman chong chong chong chinaman" then when whoever I am with giggles I apologise to our oriental friends for my associate being a big old racist.


Say my gfs name whilst watching tv, when she says 'yes Captain' I ask her to be quiet whilst my stories are on, sometimes with an added 'you dont see me talking during Eastenders' then fuck off upstairs in a pretend sulk.

Giggling in Tesco when the backdoor man is requested at the backdoor.

Everton FC have a player called Pienaar, I add an audible 'S' when his name is mentioned, thus turning it to Penis.

When mate is getting cash out lean over at the right time to press £200.

When I pot a ball in pool shout 180

That is off the top of my head.......I am such a child, if my cock refuses to grow up I dont see why I should
(Tue 22nd Sep 2009, 16:53, More)
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