b3ta.com user AmiBambini
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» Common

Reading this weeks QOTW has dredged up two examples (I wish I could forget..)
1. I was standing in line at a checkout a few days ago and my eyes had the misfortune of idly passing over the cover of one of those cheap and nasty magazines designed to make the poor and stupid feel marginally better about their tedious lives.

This one was called "Chat!", the byline being "Life! Death! Prizes!!". The predominant cover story was a miserable looking hag glaring out from underneath the headline "Forced to Eat My Poo", a smaller headline over a picture of a man with half his face covered; "A Monkey Chewed My Nose, AND THEN HE ATE MY NUTS!!".

My brain still hasn't forgiven my eyeballs for that indelibly imprinted mental pollution.

2. I was waitressing a few years back and heaved a huge sigh of relief when the smoking in restaurants ban came in. People who light up while their dinner companions are still eating deserve to have their heads set on fire, and as for the utter obnoxiousness of those who choose to use their uncleared plates as an ashtray... AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Years later it still raises my blood pressure.
(Tue 21st Oct 2008, 14:23, More)

» Amazing displays of ignorance

Dirty Dali.
In my high school art class we spent some time studying surrealism. After perusing some Dali I asked our teacher what Sodomizing was. The whole class fell about laughing, Mr Hills went a bit red and spluttery and I had only the very vaguest inkling that it might have been something rude. I was 16, the picture was 'Atmospheric Skull Sodomizing a Grand Piano.
(Sun 21st Mar 2010, 18:29, More)

» Sexism

Boring serious life/family questions..
This is is something that I never really say out loud, being a bit of a modern anarcho-feminist and all that, but really, little kids do better with their mum around. Yes, women should be able to reach their full potential (as should men), but I do think that families with both parents working full time has a detrimental effect on children and on wider society. I sometimes secretly wonder if the rise of women entering the workforce correlates entirely with the breakdown of community and responsibility in our neighborhoods.

Or maybe it is the society wide brainwashing that we need more tatt and flatscreens to be happy? Maybe too many of us have swapped chasing the cash and splashing it (or credit) for proper human connection and experience.

I know this is a bit serious but I would be interested to hear what other b3tans think, even though I suspect I will told to get back in the kitchen and bake pie. Hmm, which sounds like yummy fun actually!
(Mon 4th Jan 2010, 12:48, More)

» Vomit Pt2

I was volunteering for an environmental organisation at Glastonbury festival. One particular role involved dressing up as an endangered animal and shaking a bucket. Our festival frazzled brains figured that as the endangered animal thing has kinda been done to death, we would spice it up a little by being pissed off vagrant animals, angry at human's destruction of our homes and dealing with the pain by self medication. I was a slutty tiger, hustling the festival lanes with a bottle of vodka (cunningly filled with water) and makeup smeared face.

It was a hot and bright afternoon, and as lairy acting is not my usual forte, a swift pint of home brew cider was agreed upon to get us in the mood. The cider was a bit hairy but I chugged mine down and then launched out into the afternoon crowd. I growled, I waved my bucket, bottle of vodka and furry bottom at bemused festival goers, all going ok but as we were still in the vicinity of the green fields, I had also gathered a small crowd of confused children. Who were even more confused as out of no-where I projectile vomited that pint of cider right back up and out, thankfully missing the kids but a hand knitted yurt, not so lucky.

I was spewing, laughing so hard I could barely walk while trying to escape the gathered crowd of unimpressed hippies, explaining that I wasn't really a drunk tiger - I'm just pretending (but you should avoid the wind turbine man's homebrew cider) and trying to rinse my face and mouth out with my vodka bottle of water.

Unsurprisingly it didn't go down too well and Trixie the whore Tiger was hustled away and never seen again.
(Wed 13th Jan 2010, 12:28, More)