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» Expensive Weekends

Training Disaster.
I've been training in Martial Arts for a few years now (this is not a story involving any driving of a Honda Accord). I decided to go for it and enter one of the all ages open entry tournaments hosted by a local club (not my own).

I'd been getting up for early morning runs, putting in the extra hours at the gym - anything to try and drag my fitness levels up. I only got into this during my late 20's after years of being really unfit and to be honest, I'd started to doubt that I'd be up to it.

One of the guys at my club suggested looking into sports nutrition to give that extra edge when training. I didn't think I had much to lose by giving it a go so I went and had a look on the internet.

After browsing through many, many sites of inter-lies, promises of titanic strength, flat stomach with next to no exercise and a massive dong, I settled on some creatine powder (£25) and a big tub of maxi-muscle (£40) from a Holland and Barratt type store. I read up on it and it all seemed legit, not steriods or anything that would turn my piss green.

A couple of days later it all gets delivered and I'm keen as hell to posses my new super powers!

I did the creatine first, reading the back of the tub it said to add a spoonful to a pint of water and drink at once. Which I duly followed. It didn't taste as bad as I thought, a bit chalky but not totaly unpleasant. Next for the maxi-muscle.

I added a couple of heaped spoonfuls to a pint glass, held the glass under the tap and started to stir in water, but instead of disolving like the creatine powder, it started to thicken, it went from a custard like substance to being almost dough like, and it was growing, not just a bit, but quite a lot.

The sticky goo started to pour out of the top of the glass. I dropped the glass into the sink which then broke. The pile of gunky muscle shit quickly filled the sink and started to swell out accross the draining board. Shit! it was like possessed insulation foam, it was getting everywhere. I did the only rational thing at the time and picked up the decorative bamboo kitchen lamp (£80 - Ikea) and proceeded to twat the shit out of this unholy growing spunk bubble.

With the damage to the lamp, the kitchen and my pummeled residue of my original internet purchase, I was left with one expansive whey-caned.

I won't appologise for length - I think I've done enough damage.
(Wed 19th May 2010, 12:09, More)

» PE Lessons

But I've got a note...
When I was 14 or 15 I managed to break my arm, crack my hip bone and badly twist my knee in a skateboarding incident (what I silly twat I was).

I had a note and a pretty visual excuse (plaster cast, crutches etc...) for not taking part in P.E.

Rather than the hour dossing around that I was expecting, for an hour & fifteen each week, for 6 wintery weeks, my bastard teacher made me pick litter up on the playing fields...

Anyway a couple of years later he was taking the goalposts down off the playing fields and reversed his car into one of the posts, as he got out to inspect the damage, the crossbar - now freed from its former two-post stability - came crashing down on his head and knocked the cunt out cold!

(Tue 24th Nov 2009, 14:51, More)

» "You're doing it wrong"

I've never seen anyone cook it like that before
There was an Azerbaijani chap with whom I used to share a kitchen with in the halls of residence at uni called Amin.

He didn’t speak particularly good English so the vast majority of our conversations were a simple hello and a smile.

Over the year we saw some pretty bizarre behaviour. At first we tried to put him right, but because of the language barrier it was often difficult to convey your point, so we tended to let the little things slide and leave him to get on with it.

To this day, I’ve never known anyone cook a burger like Amin.
You try telling Borats cousin that you are supposed to put tomato ketchup on your birdseye quarter-pounders AFTER you have grilled them for 20 minutes.

He’d just smile and nod, give us a friendly “Hello, yes!” and get on with it.
(Fri 16th Jul 2010, 9:47, More)

» Caught!

Prince Charming
Back in the early 80's, whilst Adam and The Ants were riding high in the charts, I was an impressionable youth.

Anyway, in the accompanying music video for Prince Charming, Mr Ant jumps from a balcony and swings accross a crowded room holding onto a chandelier (very, very impressive).

One summer evening, whilst getting ready for bed, I was Adam Ant.
The bathroom was that crowded room. The bathroom light pull switch was that chandelier. Problem was, despite only being a 'wee-dandy-highwayman' - the structural integrity of our bathroom ceiling wasn't quite up to task and the light fitting yanked down through the now cracked tiles, left dangling by its now exposed wires.


No problem, its summer, no one is gonna be switching the light on until after I've gone to bed and tomorrow is a new day, right?

Wrong - I was yanked from my slumber somewhere around half nine that night and 'I don't know how it got like that, i'm only little...' just didn't cut the mustard.

Every time Adam and the Ant came on VH-fucking-one that was brought up.
(Wed 9th Jun 2010, 9:11, More)