b3ta.com user HarvsPenzance
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» Nights Out Gone Wrong

'tis the season to be jolly - and covered in one's own poo
Boxing Day 1995 and I was sharing a house with two mates. Waking up at about 10am with a mild hangover my two housemates were already in the living room, cracking open a bottle of whisky. They offered me one to take the edge off, but I politely declined saying "No way, I don't wanna get hammered, we've got the house party tonight"

The house party was significant because it was sure to be thronged with posh ex-university totty. I was fresh from a Computer Studies course so of course I'd almost forgotten what women looked like. As a host and bedroom-owner I had a better than usual hope of some xmas bouncy-bouncy.

So. Intending to take it easy I trundled off to the local for a few beers and a day of meeting friends and family. It was a great day, but my memories for some reason get fuzzier as the day goes on. Fast forward about twelve hours and fifteen or so pints later I was in a right state, Piecing together the events the next day this is what happened next.

Staggering into the house blind drunk I fell, face first like a felled tree. I was unconscious in the middle of the packed living room, only coming to several hours later. They didn't realise what a state I was actually in, so stuck me in the corner of the room on a sofa.
Luckily when I came to there were only a few people left, but that anyone had to see what I did next - this is the bit that bothers me to this day. After dragging myself to my feet I suffered a massive bowel eruption - it was shit or bust time.

Rather than staggering to the bog however, I walked to one of the bay windows, in full view of the street, and had a monster blowout- covering the carpet, my lower clothing and myself in gooey shit while my housemate watched in horror too dumbstruck to do anything. Pulling my filth encrusted undercrackers and trousers up I went to the second bay window and did an 'encore' of the previously mentioned bum blast. I then set about removing my clothes, wiping myself down with them and throwing the soiled clothing onto the sofa. Uttering my only recognisable words of the evening (a satisfied 'I won't be needing them any more') I trundled off to bed. The horror of what I had done, the reactions of my housemates (more sorrow than anger), and the sheer mess I made haunt me to this day.

Length? It stank for days - We had to leave the windows open in the middle of winter, just so we could breathe)
(Sat 26th Mar 2011, 23:19, More)

» Accidental innuendo

At Long last... my first post
... but it's true, nonetheless.

Returning to my home town of Redruth to get drunk with my former schoolmates (there's sod all else to do there) I wandered into my old local. There behind the bar was a pint sized firecraker of a young barmaid. All of five feet tall but a real raven-haired beauty. Smiley, friendly and a cute little face that's just begging to be spaffed over.

Gazing in awe upon seeing me, she asked
'My God, how tall are you?'
'Six foot seven' I answered (cos I am)

Her next line makes me smile to this day
'Wow! could you give me seven inches?'

I grinned like a skinned badger, my mates nudged each other whooping 'wha-hay', and the barmaid turned bright red and ran away. Bless.

I won't apologise for length, cos it really is that long.
(Sun 15th Jun 2008, 2:25, More)

» Unusual talents

Which one out of this list is the most pathetic?
I can mutliply two two-digit numbers in my head as quick as someone using a calculator.

Open beer bottles with my teeth.

Do the rubiks cube in under a minute.

Belch the word 'bollocks' on demand.


Sniff a necklace up my nose and using a charming combination of snorts and coughs produce it from my gob.

Write legibly with either hand.

What is most truly pathetic is that I often practise all of the above and have done for many years. If I had directed my 'talents' to a more worthwhile cause I may not be tear-assing towards 40 divorced, skint, and in a dead end job.

Booooool looooox. Ah, thats better.
(Thu 18th Nov 2010, 22:03, More)

» I should have been arrested

Drrrrrunk Twat worthy of arrest = Me.
There have been a couple of posts by drunk drivers on this thread so I worry how bad a kicking I'll be subject to after recounting this tale of (self inflicted) woe.
Erm. Seeing as i've been drinking (but not driving) how can I put this? Quite rightly, no-one in their right mind would drink 'n' drive. The problem is though, is that when you're smashed out of your gourd you are not in your right mind.
I've done it myself, truth be told. If i've had 3 or 4 there's no way in hell i'd go near a steering wheel. There was one time though, when after an all day session I decided to drive 10 miles along one of the most dangerous roads in England to visit my fiancee.
The inevitable happened, of course. Rounding a blind corner at 70mph I lost control and ended up rolling the car, ending up upside-down in a ditch on the wrong side of the road. Never mind 'should have been arrested', I should've been killed - I wasn't, although I did cut my thumb.
That night I was lucky - not only to avoid arrest, but avoiding killing some poor innocent.

I have never drunk-driven since that day, though I have of course drunk-posted. This has caused a more widespread, though lower key, distress to the world in general than my behaviour on that sorry occasion. When I see on the news that some unfortunate has fallen victim to some fuckhead pisshead at the wheel, I know that I could've done that. Never say never, if you've had a few and have your car keys on you.
(Wed 1st Feb 2012, 0:50, More)

» Anonymous

I confess
In 1992, some idiot spray painted the word 'YOU'RE' on the 'WELCOME TO PENZANCE' sign on the A30 just outside, um, Penzance. It's still there to this day. I don't know what's sadder, my single act of grafitti twattery or the fact that no-one has got around to cleaning it off.

I also blinded (not permanently thank Fry) a German back in '83 in a twilight ski-resort based ruckus but I better not go into too much detail in case the KrautPolizei are still on the lookout. I am bad.
(Sat 16th Jan 2010, 0:29, More)
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