b3ta.com user Captain Benzo
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» I don't understand the attraction

people who 'hate' cars.
i'm sorry but in aberdeen it pisses it down 364 days of the year. the busses are full of pikeys and cyclists are all twunts ( if you are on the road,follow the rules like everyone else.)

in my car (sadly not a Honda Accord) i have warmth, my own music and i can leave when i like to arrive when i want to. it's not much more expensive than public transport.
as for the environment? fuck it, i work in the oil industry and i'm proud of my planet-raping job.

fucking hippies.
(Mon 19th Oct 2009, 13:21, More)

» Cars

the duchess mark 2- 2005
the duchess mk 2 was a 1.5 dci turbo diesel clio, red, totally shit.

anyway, iwas heading from manchester to blackool late one night after a gig, the motorway was dead, my wife asleep in the passenger seat.... perfect conditions to open the old lady up. i decided to see how fast this little crap box would go. apparently 106mph is achievable, the thing is light as a feather on the road, requiring my complete attention to avoid certain death, i kept this up for 30 -40 seconds as the engine bounced off the rev limiter, screaming like an E'd up banshee. i peer into my rear view and there are headlights in the distance, approaching rapidly, pulling alongside is a TVR test pilot in a black sagaris, looks at me, waves and boots it into oblivion. I flashed my lights, eased off the throttle promising myself that one day i'd have one.... one day.
(Thu 22nd Apr 2010, 13:00, More)

» The thing I've been most ashamed of doing with a penis

oh dear...the scars
picture the scene,Wick,Scotland 1998, house party, you've drunk far too much newky brown and fallen asleep on your mates couch, there's 3 people asleep on the other couch, 4 on the floor in sleeping bags and an absolute monstrosity getting comfy on the end of your couch.

then she moves closer....
bit closer.....
head on your chest...
hand in your boxers....

bugger it, when in rome.

i'm 16 stone, so was she. a less appealing beast with 2 backs could ne'er be found.

she had 2 false teeth.
no redeeming factors; they called her Jayba the hutt at school.

The thing I've been most ashamed of doing with a penis???

putting it in her.

next weekend i went back for seconds.

apparently i broke her heart, she loved me.
i was young and stupid. i should've stayed away. i should'vwe said no.

i didn't and i've got to live with it.

cold, i know. i get grief about it whenever i go home. that was a long time ago.

getting flashbacks now.

god i feel ill.
(Fri 13th Mar 2009, 13:08, More)

» Common

my wife-
bless her soul, but she's common as muck. her follies are as follows:

she eats crisps with her mouth open.
is adsdicted to x factor and hollyoaks
can't say specifically or pedestrian
ends words with ing at the end with ink (somethink, anythink ... the list goes on)
likes KFC (so do i but that's a different matter)

but i love her and she has a nice bum.
(Fri 17th Oct 2008, 12:56, More)

» Creepy!

Bad times
As a young captain, the clan spent a lot of time camping in the cairngorms. One day, aged about ten, I'm having a nice relaxing poo in the toilet block when I hear a small bang followed the sound of a small happy dog going mental followed by silence then lots of shouting. That was odd thinks I, and I return to my thoughts. I finish my ablutions and wander outside to find out what is going on.
Two young german girls were cooking breakfast inside the porch of their tent on one of those little blue camping stoves and hadnt fitted the top bit on right, this was the mid eighties prior to the safe gear you get now. Cue gas explosion in a small, highly flammable tent, with the fire blocking the only exit. Two bloke saw it happen and got one of the girls out, badly burned. The other died in the explosion. 20 feet from a young me having a nice relaxing poo.

Apologies for lack of funnies,
Length..... I was only little.
(Sat 9th Apr 2011, 9:42, More)
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