» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

Brown Punctuation
Last boxing day my friend had a party to celebrate his birthday, being the good sport that i am i decided to get very, very drunk.
After eight cans of San Miguel , a bottle of Bucks Fizz and two bottles of cheap champagne i decided it was time to leave, feeling very worse for wear

Got home and went to bed, then it all went down hill

Ran to the toilet cos i needed a poo, halfway through the smell hit me and i needed to puke, so i jumped off the loo onto the floor and puked into the toilet, the force of said vomiting caused me to explosively shit all over the floor and the door behind me, i was so drunk i didn't even notice.

The next day i did notice the walls covered in puke where i missed the toilet and the exclamation mark delicately painted in a nice dark brown on the floor...

Best part, for some reason it smelled of sambuca, even though i don't think i consumed any the previous evening

"inserts poor length joke"
(Tue 1st Apr 2008, 18:02, More)

» My Biggest Disappointment

Meeting women
Constant Source of disappointment for me

I seem to always Fail epicly At attracting women,
Now im told that im a handsome young man, (not just by my mum) But i have no luck.

I factor it down to these probable reasons:

1. Im jesus and therefore i must remain single forever
2. I emit some sort of anti attraction pheromone
3. My babyface makes Women feel like peados
4. i just dont try hard enough

Its probably number 4
Sigh, back to lurking and masturbation
(Sun 29th Jun 2008, 19:37, More)

» Blood

Broom handle insertion
Haha, not in that way you Foul depraved b3tans

Whilst working as a forklift driver for a well known leading DIY store (which rhymes with pricks) i was in alot of bother for running over brooms and breaking the handles.
After many a warning i was told i would get points on my license if i broke another..

A Few hours later the inevitable happens, 'crunch' some tossbag has left one in the warehouse again and ive broken it in half.
I panic....points are bad...
I come up with a brainwave, replace the broomhandle with a new one.
Problem, the broken half wont come out of the brooms head,

I solved this problem in my head by standing on each side of the head and pulling hard

unfortunately, the broken end was mighty sharp

yup you guessed it, i stabbed myself in the belly, really deeply.

Blood everywhere, then i passed out

Moral of the story? Im an idiot



Length? just long enough to bend over and plunge into myself
(Mon 11th Aug 2008, 1:08, More)