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» Pet Peeves

Supermarkets... and the idiot public
Long time lurker, first time poster... anyway, I'm unfortunate enough to earn my food and beer tokens in a large supermarket. Checkouts to be precise, and I have to put up with being spoken down to, insulted and otherwise pissed off by complete idiots perhaps 50 times a day if not more.

However stupid the majority of service monkeys might appear, that's nothing to how stupid the public appear to us! ;-)

It's becoming increasingly apparent that while we are given extensive customer service training, NOBODY in this country is given any training whatsoever on how to behave in a retail environment, or how to go shopping without FAILING miserably and making a hash of it. My "pet peeves", in no particular order, are as follows:

1) Know your consumer rights. They DO NOT extend as far as telling me how to do my job, dictating to me, or allowing your kids to interfere. And yes I bastarding well WILL tell them off because I'm a grown up and well within my rights to do so. We are there to assist you with your purchases - we are not your servants and under no obligation to give in to your every demand.

2) Stay on YOUR side of the fucking counter. Don't lean over, hand me things, or put your hand anywhere near my precious buttons. Every part of the checkout is as dirty as every other. Put your items on the BELT where they can be dealt with properly.

3) Don't state "it's real" when handing me a fifty. I'll fucking decide. And also, NEVER question me when I check your twenties for authenticity. I'll do it at my discretion and make no apologies.

4) I NEVER want the "odd x-amount of pence". We've got perhaps eleventy-billion quid's worth of change in the cash office if I run out. It doesn't help, or make any difference to the smooth running of the store. If you don't want the change, then by all means give it to me. Don't give me the choice because I will politely tell you to stuff it down your urethra and stop holding the queue up by faffing with your fucking pennies.

5) Learn how to use your payment card. It is NOT our responsibility. Your name's on the card, you deal with it. Don't wave it in my face when the terminal is 4 inches from you. It even tells you which way around it goes, and yes, it's the same way every time. Don't rotate it around each of it's axes like a retard trying to work out how the square peg goes in the round hole, you just look dumb and hold everyone up. If you can't manage, carry cash (if you can work out how the ATM works). The technology's hardly new.

6) Checkout humour. Oh boy... No matter how clever the little one-liner you've just thought up may seem, rest assured I've heard it hundreds of times before. It's not funny, it just makes you look like a cunt. Which you probably are.

7) If you decide you don't want an item, don't just fuck it off onto the nearest shelf or hidey-hole you find. PUT IT BACK you lazy cunts. Or ask one of us to do it for you. Showing complete contempt for our working environment is one of the worst things you can do.

8) Plastic bags. Get over it. The only reason they present a problem to the environment is because you stupid consumers fling them all over the countryside. Don't get all self-righteous and say you're doing your bit. You're not. Because half your shopping is shipped in from other countries, and when it gets here, dirty great fuck-off hairy-arsed diesel trucks haul it around the UK. Just by shopping at supermarkets your actions contribute more harm to the environment than you can ever repair with your bastarding "bags for life". Blackberries from Mexico? Fucking pick them from the hedgerows like a proper Englishman!

I think that'll do for now.

While I consider myself rather good at my job (hard not to be, really. It's a piece of piss) I truly cannot wait to find something more attractive. Even going back to pharmacy seems appealing after 6 months of this bollocks. Oh, that reminds me, I could easily do a sequel based on the amount of stupidity witnessed from behind the medicine counter...

I apologise for the lack of humour, but not for length as I declare my posts a no-bandwagon zone.
(Fri 2nd May 2008, 17:29, More)

» Social Networking Gaffes

I have never committed a "Gaffe" that fits the QOTW...
but that shall not deter me from posting a mini rant about Facebook. I quite like the site and use it regularly, but the sheer amount of retarded nonsense on there nearly makes me prolapse in rage. To sum things up neatly:

1. The "Fun Wall" .... which part of chain spam can be considered "fun"? That appears to be it's only function. I have ignored umpteen requests to add this app, because I don't think I could resist the urge to letterbomb any contact who dared to forward me the same tired old shit.

2. Petition groups. Newsflash to the mostly-idiot population of the Internet - nobody gives a fuck what you or your friends think. Your self-righteous stamping and pouting without actually doing ANY research into the issue you're complaining about makes me cringe.

3. Protesting against the "New Facebook". You don't pay to use it, you don't get a say in how it's run. Deal with it.

4. "They're shutting Facebook down in 7 days! Join now and save it!" Don't make me laugh bitterly. All I can say to anyone who joins this type of group is - grow the fuck up please, you're embarrassing me.

That'll do for now, or I'll be here all day. Apologies for lack of funny story, to be honest it's not a particularly inspiring QOTW and I expect it to be mainly filled with shit puns and very laboured Star Wars stories.
(Fri 12th Sep 2008, 17:22, More)

» Pointless Experiments

Some from my youth...
Aged 7-ish: "What happens if you short the live terminal of a plug to earth?"

Now, I do not know what part of this seemed like a good idea or even why I did it. But after learning to wire a plug I must have wanted to know what happens if you fuck it up. The tales of shit flying across the room and embedding in walls etc seem to me, exaggerated at best. My experience involved simply a fucking great spark and a shower of smaller ones from the now nicely fucked up screwdriver, a fairly stern bollocking, and not nearly as big a shock as I imagine I deserved.

Aged 13: "That silver stuff in French bangers... it's not gunpowder. What is it, and how do I make it?"

Those in the know, will know I am referring to flash powder. As it's name would suggest, it doesn't fuck about and is used to make some truly loud, frightening salutes. In sufficient quantities you can blow a hole in the moon with it. There are many variations on the ways you can make it but the simplest involves potassium chlorate and aluminium powder. Not too hard to get your hands on if you know where to look, so I got myself a shitload and let the experiments begin.

Hands trembling with excitement, powders were mixed by rolling them around on newspaper, poured into film cannisters, bound and taped and fused... and pretty soon I had an arsenal of almighty uber-bangers. The experiment was a resounding success as I have lost neither my fingers or my hide, and they were fucking great fun to play with at the old quarry. I was a god to my friends for a little while. Many other formulas were tested over the next few years.

Aged 18: "What would happen... if we tried to make a POT noodle? Geddit? POT?"

You already know where this is going. Waste of a good filthy noodle slag-snack, waste of a henry of block, and tasted fuck-awful. Although it probably wouldn't have improved had we left the hashish out of the fucker. It failed to get us wasted. We failed.

Aged 23: "How many chlorphenamine tablets does it take to make you hallucinate?"

Studying side effects of various meds while briefly working in pharmacy, I used to "test the limits" of certain drugs that I knew would not poison/kill me, just for the curiosity. And partly so I could say to patients "don't take too many or you'll go out of your fucking box!"

A pack of piriton was all I had. And it was more than I needed. For some reason they don't make me very drowsy but they do make me go loop-shit in sufficient quantities. I felt like I was watching myself from outside my own head, hearing odd noises like broken fragments of conversation, and a noticable time lag between doing something and realising what I'd done. All this accompanied by a general feeling of silliness and confusion. You know when you go in a room and you're like "why the FUCK am I here?" well it was like that for about 6 hours.

I did not feel very clever afterwards, but at least curiosity was satisfied. It's probably a good way to commit suicide, because after enough you'll probably accidentally fall over arse over tip down the stairs and die, without any nasty liver failure if you just nod off instead! Win.
(Sun 27th Jul 2008, 16:57, More)

» Accidental innuendo

One that immediately springs to mind...
...happened a few days ago on the checkout line. A female customer was unfamiliar with how to use her payment card and took the message "PIN OK" to mean "Pull your card out now before it's finished". After politely instructing her not to pull it out prematurely, she said without missing a beat, "No, that's the man's job isn't it?" I have never been so swiftly and completely pwned in all my days.
(Thu 12th Jun 2008, 13:38, More)

» Faking it

Hopefully a few of you gents can relate to this...
Okay, blowjobs... now, having been fortunate enough to experience this particular act on more than one occasion, I have come to the conclusion that 1) I don't enjoy them, and 2) they're fucking boring.

I was once about 10 minutes into a truly un-inspiring BJ when the boredom finally kicked in and I had to fake being "close" just because I didn't have the heart to ask her to stop. The male orgasm isn't quite as automatic as some women must assume. We can be complex beasts, and it's not simply a case of "throw enough shit at the wall and some of it's gotta stick!"

I very nearly chuckled out loud to myself at one point as the poor girl was clearly putting loads of effort in, and it just did nothing for me. I managed to fake various pleasure-noises to cover up the fact I nearly had very embarrassing bedroom giggles.
(Fri 11th Jul 2008, 11:58, More)
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