» Spoilt Brats

America.
Waa waa waa! - World Trade Centre.

Waa waa waa! - War on terror.

Waa waa waa! - We police the world.

Waa waa waa! - Economic recession.

Waa waa waa! - Everyone hates us.

Yeah, well you fucking caused it you spoilt cunts.
(Thu 9th Oct 2008, 16:53, More)

» Caught!

When I was 15...
My friend Stuart's father walked in to find his son (also 15) drunk on the sofa, trousers around his ankles, legs over his head with me standing at the end, hands on hips peering at his arse. I can still see the crestfallen look on his face as he walked away, and Stuart stumbling after him trying to pull up his jeans and shouting "We were lighting farts...Dad, we were only lighting farts!"

And before you ask - we were only lighting farts.
(Mon 7th Jun 2010, 15:11, More)

» I Quit!

Bad Monkey.
An old girlfriend got fired from one of her first ever jobs for being late on an (admittedly) consistent basis. Of course being 18 at the time she swore at the manager, told him what she thought of him and stormed off only to realise she had left her gym kit and some stuff in her locker. That lunch time she returned to find the locker empty, asking around she discovered that the manager who had fired her had apparently cleared her locker and taken her belongings into his office.

Thinking he was out (and not caring if he was in) she burst into his office muttering 'where is my stuff' only to find him behind his desk with her shorts wrapped around his cock going at himself like a maniac. Hearing her screaming with laughter half the office ran in to find their manager standing up trying to stuff his boner back in his trousers whilst tangled in a pair of girls shorts.

A footnote - he was transferred to another location and she was offered her job back. She declined and took a pay off of a months salary and a new gym kit.
(Wed 28th May 2008, 15:36, More)

» Customers from Hell

We hate you white South African bastards.
In mid 80s I worked as a part time barman at a country clubs sports bar. Easy money for a student and most people were fine. The only problem was conferences when the client base was usually jumped up wamkers who worked in sales. Very loadsamoney and finger snapping for service.

Now imagine these sales people were from South Africa, and were quite wealthy, and very used to having people jump to their every need. 'Boy, give me four beers now.' 'Why are you so slow?' and 'Are you stupid? I asked for a ham sandwich.' were some of their more polite comments.

Myself and the girl who worked there got them back. We a put few quid in the jukebox and played The Specials 'Free Nelson Mandela' 36 times in a row.

That fucking showed them.
(Tue 9th Sep 2008, 17:01, More)

» Best Films Ever

Most memorable
Jurassic Park.

Friday afternoon - girlfriend and I have skipped work - what to do?

Get really, really totally stoned and watch a blockbuster at the cinema! Yeah!

Cinema empty - brilliant.

Smoke more, chomp mushrooms - buy sweeties - have snog - feet up - film starts.

Two minutes pass. Door opens. Sheepish looking woman pokes her head around the corner and then leaves.

Thats is odd, thinks I.

5 minutes later she reappears, this time with approx 16 mentally handicapped teenagers.

All sit three rows behind us.

We resist the peurile urge to giggle and get back into the film forgetting about our neighbours.

All good until about 30 minutes into the film. In case anyone has not seen the film, a goat is staked out as bait for the T-Rex and the cinema is silent. Music begins to very slowly swell - tension mounts - on screen goat starts to bleat quietly.

So does one of the children behind us.

(Muffled giggles from us)

Music gets louder and tempo quickens, the goat (who is the best actor in the film) starts to bleat louder.

So does the bleating kid - and a few of his friends join in. 'Baaaaa' (we have hands over mouths, tears rolling down faces, kia-ora squirting out of nostrils - we do keep saying 'awwww' and 'it's not funny' which only leads to more laughter.)

Music louder - music faster - goat bleats more - kids all bleating now - music even louder - tempo racing - goat is bleating in a manic fashion. LOUDER - FASTER - BLEATING - BAAAA! LOUD!FAST! BAAAAAA!

All of a sudden the head of the T-Rex shoots into screen and snaps up the goat in one swoop.

'AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!'

The kids go - er...well mental is the best way to put it - screams, panic attacks, popcorn everywhere, crying, hair pulling, self harm, cries for mummy, rolling in the aisles - they are screamimng and running everwhere. The woman in charge is crying and trying to round them all up, but they are in flight mode, heading out of exits, into toilets, trying to hide under seats etc.

Meanwhile myself and gilrfriend are doing our bests not asphyxiate due to the fact that we are so spaced we are unsure what is and is not real, or what to do, or say to anyone.

The story ends with the police helping round up the missing kids, the woman who brought the poor kids to see the film being picked up to no doubt find she is fired, manager closing the theatre to clean up the mess.

And best of all - we got a refund and 5 free tickets each! Hooray.
(Fri 18th Jul 2008, 14:25, More)