» My Biggest Disappointment

There was this girl....
That I fancied the arse off at uni. She was lovely. We were mates so I never had the nerve to tell her cos I thought she'd bugger off if she ever found out. Pretty stupid logic now that I think about it but I digest.

All the lads fancied her and occasionally she'd cop off with one of them leaving me heartbroken once again.

Then one day just after the final exams in the 3rd year I pulled her. Yay, me! She was amazing. Absolutely amazing. Then I got my results back from the course. A 1st! Double Yay! The job of my dreams swiftly followed along with a walloping great paypacket.

Of course I was dreaming. I woke up one morning and the whole fantasy world constructed over the course of one night's sleep crumbled to dust in front of me. I swore my tits off. I have never been so disappointed in my whole life.
(Fri 27th Jun 2008, 15:26, More)

» Pointless Experiments

I made the mistake so others don't have to
Very hungover one morning I decided to find out whether my electric shaver could remove the white shit coating my tongue.

BzzzzZZZZzzzZZZZZZzzzzz, AAAAAAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!

Blood everywhere but the most disturbing thing was the amount of chopped up pink meat I found behind the foil.

I use a blade now.
(Wed 30th Jul 2008, 14:37, More)

» Accidental innuendo

Where to start?
So many over the years due to being a blabbermouth fucktard partial to the odd shandy. We'll start with this one:

I was chatting to a very nice young lady in a bar on New Year's Eve a few years back while drinking champagne. It was all going rather well until she popped the second bottle and a load of it flew out and landed in my eye. It hurt like a bastard. I was moved to exclaim, "Christ, it's like getting spunk in your eye!" She fucked RIGHT off.

Not so much innuendo as just a fucking stupid thing to say.
(Thu 12th Jun 2008, 18:12, More)

» What's the hardest you've tried to get dumped?

How can the same sh*t happen to the same guy twice?
Years ago my first ever serious relationship ended when my ex moved to Spain. We'd been seeing each other for about four years and agreed that when she moved out there we'd carry on seeing each other. She was only going for a year so we reckoned it was do-able. After a few months of going out to Madrid she invited me out to see her only to dump me on the first night. And then tell me I could stay four the rest of the week we'd originally planned if I slept on the spare mattress next to her bed. I was on the very next flight home.

A few years ago a Slovak girl I'd been seeing for about six months invited me out to Bratislava and did exactly the same.

*facepalms*
(Wed 11th Jun 2008, 18:12, More)

» Blood

Taxpayers money
I used to work away a lot as part of film crews. Once, I was staying in a rather nice hotel down by the waterfront in Bristol. All the rooms were very light and bright and airy with pale walls and tiled floors.

Film crews drink fairly heavily and this one friday evening we knew we had a rare saturday off the next day so we went out and got twatted. I ended up rocking into bed God knows what time still clutching a glass of whiskey and promptly fell asleep.

I woke up in the middle of the night dying for a slash, hopped out of bad and with unnerring accuracy stood slap bang onto a now empty crystal tumbler lying next to the bedside table.

*crunch*

Aaaarrghh! Ow! Ow! Fuckitybuggercuntflaps! Oooooooooooooooow! Fuck! Oh fuck! Oh No!! Oooh Fuuuuuurrrghhhhhh!!!!!

I half hopped/half crawled to the bog where I sat on the crapper and, gently whimpering, pulled the shards of glass from the sole of my foot and deposited them in the sink. Once I'd calmed down a bit I wrapped my injured foot in toilet paper, had a piss, and hobbled back to bed.

Upon waking the next day I had completely forgotten about my nighttime excursions so imagine my surprise to open my eyes and be greeted by a scene straight out of A Nightmare on Elm Street.

There was fucking blood EVERYWHERE. Big angry smears all over the floor, bloody handprints on the walls, crispy, dried crinkles on the sheets.

As my eyes followed the horror that my room had become they were drawn inexorably to the en suite. I looked at the blood smeared doorhandle and all I could think was, "Oh God. What the fuck have I done this time?"

Recollection only came once I crept out of bed, whimpering for entirely different reasons this time, and put my weight on my knackered foot again. Fuck it hurt but with it came a whole jigsaw at once.

I have never been so happy to spend four hours in casualty in my life.
(Fri 8th Aug 2008, 14:43, More)