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Me looking a bit bedraggled on holiday!

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And I don't have a big head really. It's normal sized.

Which Torchwood Character Are You?
Your Result: Owen Harper
 

You most resemble the team's pessimistic and abrasive doctor. You've been burned in the past and now hate to put yourself in a position where it could happen again, preferring one-night stands to long-term relationships. You care about your work but often seem flippant about important issues, not because you don't care but because it's easier not to focus on the serious things.

Captain Jack Harkness
 
Toshiko Sato
 
Ianto Jones
 
Gwen Cooper
 
Which Torchwood Character Are You?
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What Is Your Battle Cry?

Hark! Who is that, striding over the tarmac! It is Herr Doktor Lemminge, hands clutching a jeweled meat hammer! And with a cruel bellow, his voice cometh:

"Brace yourself, oh human speck of dust! I bring annihilation and cheap beer!!!"

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I've decided that I'm never going to grow up, even though some people think I'm old!

I spend far too much time lurking here, even when I'm at work, and playing World of Warcraft, but not at work (I would if I could get away with it!)


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» Tales of the Unexplained

Possible Possession?
My mate at work told me this one and has had it feature on Castle of Spirits Itís a little long, so please bear with me.

Wavey Lines

It all started when I bumped into some guys (letís call them Dave and Andy) who I kind of knew through some friends in my local pub. It was a slow night and my friends hadn't arrived and these two guys started talking to me about the party they were arranging for that night. They'd apparently taken a break from organizing it and had decided to head for the pub for an hour. Anyway, before you know it, I'm heading back to their place (Andyís parents were on holiday overseas at the time) as a newly invited guest and proceeded to have a drink and chat with some of the ladies there.

After an hour or two the party is slowing down and although there are about 20 people there, itís kind of fizzling out, so some people went upstairs to chill and others went home. I was about to make my own way home when Dave suggested we 'do a Ouija board.' Now, although I have an open mind, I am extremely sceptical about the paranormal and things of this nature and thought 'why not?'

I got the impression these guys had perhaps done this only once or twice before as they didn't have a proper board, but instead used cut out bits of paper with letters and numbers etc handwritten on them. When it got to this point, I assumed I was having my leg pulled or at least the victim of a half-baked practical joke. I mean, cut out bits of paper for goodness sake!

Anyway, about 5 of us sat around the table with the bits of paper in front of us and a small shot glass upturned in the centre of the table. Andy told me that he would be the 'controller' of the board and would be the one the spirits directed things through. Everyone touched the glass gently with the tip of their right forefinger and Andy closed his eyes and asked for any spirits to speak to us. What follows is what happened to the best of my memory and I apologise for the length of it, but I feel it is all relevant:

Almost immediately the glass began to slowly rotate. No one was pressing down on it, nor did anyone seem to be pushing it but there it was right in front on me moving in a circular motion. Andy asked if there was anyone there and the glass shot to YES. Not moved slowly, but it moved as if someone had dragged it across the table very quickly. This was impossible for any of the 5 of us as we were all merely touching the glass very lightly; however at this time I was still convinced I was the victim of a joke. Andy asked who we were talking to and the glass immediately spelt out H-I-T-L-E-R.

By now I was even more convinced that it was a joke and I laughed. As soon as I laughed the glass flew off the table and hit the wall and I stopped laughing. Dave and Andy were quite indignant at this and insisted that if wanted to continue I had to take it seriously. I agreed and we resumed. We once again obtained 'Hitler' and began asking him all sorts of questions to which the answers seemed a bit dubious. Dave and Andy seemed to think we were actually speaking with a spirit called 'The Joker' whom they said they'd spoken to many times and who takes on the guise of whomever you wish to speak, thus making you think you've got someone in particular when in reality you are speaking with him. We spoke to The Joker for about half an hour and then we ended the session and had a drink.

About half an hour later one of the guys asked me if there was someone I wanted to contact, and seeing as my Grandfather had died the previous year and I was fascinated and determined to know if I was indeed being wound up, we set the 'board' up again and resumed, this time asking to speak with my Grandfather. After about five minutes of absolutely nothing happening apart from boredom I was convinced that the guys were joking with me and was about to take my finger off the glass when it started vibrating. Not moving or rotating but vibrating. Andy asked if my Grandfather was there and the reply came YES. This was my chance to really test them and I asked for proof that we were talking to him. I asked for my Grandmother's first name which was Deborah. The glass went straight to the letter D and I swear I nearly fell off my chair and I started to get a bit scared when it then went to E. My fellow Ouija pals asked me if this was correct so far but I don't think they needed to ask me as I must have been white as a sheet and shaking like a leaf. Then it went to N and eventually spelt D-E-N-I-S-E and I relaxed again but it was a bit close for comfort. What happened in the next ten minutes I will never forget.

Dave was really angry that we seemed to have found The Joker again and swore at him and told him to leave the board. This really seemed to inflame the spirit and the glass started rotating round and round very fast. Our fingers had to be quick to keep up with it. Andy asked who we were talking to again and the glass kept on rotating. He asked again and it vibrated stronger than before and kept on rotating. Eventually after several requests for the spirit to reveal its identity it suddenly went to the letter S and stopped. We kept our fingers on the glass for several seconds without anything happening and then it very suddenly moved and spelt A-T-A-N. Dave suggested we end the session immediately and everyone except Andy took their finger off the glass. Andyís eyes had rolled up in his head and he was mumbling to himself. I was now half way between thinking this was either a very good wind up or that it was indeed real.

Suddenly Andy stood up, violently shoving his chair across the room into his Mother's fireplace and ran out of the room. Everyone else sat there looking at each other wondering what to do. Then we heard a scream from upstairs and ran up to see what was going on. We opened one of the doors and we saw Andy with his hands wrapped very tightly round the throat of one of the female party guests and two of her friends were trying to drag him off with no success. He was a big guy anyway but they couldn't even move him. The four of us who were at the table ran in and just managed to drag him off and I swear that girl had massive red finger marks round her throat. This was no joke I was experiencing Ė he meant to hurt her. Andy was snorting and swearing as we dragged him off and his face was bright red and he looked furious. He even tried to bite our fingers as we dragged him down the stairs. The next thing I witnessed finally convinced me that this was no joke. As we pulled him down the stairs his jeans came down and he ďfell outĒ of his boxer shorts, but he did nothing to protect his modesty even though there were several women present. If this was a joke, he was willing to embarrass himself in order for it to work. He was more concerned at trying to hurt us than adjusting his clothing.

By now there were about six people holding him down while he writhed and spat at us, swearing profusely. We threw water over him and slapped his face but still he fought us with all his strength. Dave decided the only way to stop him doing this was to break the glass which still sat on the table. We grabbed it and took it outside to the patio and he threw it as hard as he could at the concrete and IT BOUNCED! Three or four more times he did it until someone found a hammer and we broke the glass with it. Immediately the noise stopped and there was Andy lying on the floor asking why everyone was holding him down.

I know that all sounds like the script from a bad horror movie but it happened just as I told it. I realise this experience began in a pub and continued at a party where alcohol was being drunk but nobody was visibly drunk in my opinion and although I thought so for a while, I am now convinced it was not a joke.

Occasionally I bump into Dave in the same pub and I try to get him to admit it was a joke, telling him I'm not angry and I admired them keeping up the gag for so long but he just chuckles and says he can't believe I still think it was a joke. He says Andy moved away soon after and he never sees him anymore. Why would he keep up the pretence? Suffice it to say I have never used a Ouija board since.

/Wavey Lines

Now I know I've only got his word for it, but he's convinced that it was real!
(Thu 3rd Jul 2008, 11:03, More)

» The thing I've been most ashamed of doing with a penis

Not mine but I did have to watch it happen
I used to work in a large mail order company who opened stores with a name exactly the same as a well known computer magazine.

We had several companies all in the same open plan warehouse sized office, and one day after the usual pub lunch we were sitting at our desks chatting away to clients.

All of a sudden my boss walked up to my mate who was sitting opposite me, whipped out his dick, and stuck it in my mates ear. My mate was on the phone at the time to a large educational establishment, one that I have since started working for.

My mate calmly tells the client that he would call him back in a minute as his boss had just stuck his prick in his ear. He put the phone down, stood up and punched the guy right in the face!

Later that day they were both in front of the MD because of this. My mate walks our grinning and sits back down at his desk. The manager walks out looking down and walked right out of the building.

My mate got away with punching the guy, and the manager got sacked for, now get this, sexual harassment!
(Thu 12th Mar 2009, 12:36, More)

» I'm going to Hell...

Iím a Bad Man
Way back in the alcohol dimmed days of my early 20ís I had a very good friend who got married, it was a beautiful affair, and the piss up was top notch, but I had my then wife with me so I had to be a good boy!

A couple of months before this however the same could not be said. I had yet to get hitched and was round my mates house having a few (read lots) of beers.

I remember it well, it was late November, it was cold, and his flat had no heating so we were all sitting on the sofa, under a duvet, watching films. My mate gets up to have a smoke and get some more beer and the next thing I know Iíve got his girlfriends tongue playing with my tonsils! This quickly stopped much to my chagrin as we heard him coming back.

So there we all are under still all under the duvet and Iím thinking that I must have imagined the kiss, when I feel a tentative hand on my crotch! It gets more insistent and ends up inside my jeans rubbing things that it really should not have been, and all with her boyfriend sitting on her other side.

After a few minutes of this she withdrew from my jeans, took hold of my hand and placed it on he thigh, so I just started to gently caress it. A bit later my mate vanished to the toilet again, she kissed me again, and whispered in my ear that I should explore a bit further up!

Now I had always thought that she was a stunner, so I thought why not! Iím still stroking her legs when my mate comes back in with more beer and sits back down. I nip off to have a smoke and use the toilet, come back and slip under the duvet again.

I stroked her leg, and slowly moved upwards only to discover that she had no knickers on! So I went to work on her, and she on me inside my jeans.

My poor mate never had a clue what was going on!

In the February of the next year he was my best man, on the wedding day the three of us bundled into the car to get to the wedding, heíd forgotten something and popped back into the house, she kissed me, and whispered, ďYou donít have to get married to her you know, you can have me!Ē I almost told the cab driver to go to her place but my mate came back!

They got married a bit later, and as she had no family I was walking her down the aisle. We were stood outside the church, just waiting to go in, so I kissed her, and told her that we should run away together, she told me she couldnít because I was married, and I just told her that I could get a divorce! It didnít stop her letting me finger her in the doorway of the church though!

I just wish Iíd taken the offer the first time, it may have stopped a lot of heartache, for both of us!
(Fri 12th Dec 2008, 13:22, More)

» Pubs

Jeans do burn!
A few years ago I used to go out drinking with the staff at my local Games workshop on Saturday nights after they closed the shop. One day another of my mates came in after painting at work all day, he stank of turps but none of us cared, the pub wasnít that nice smelling at the best of times anyway.

So he gets a beer, sits down and lights a cigarette. A bit of the mach head falls off and lands in his lap igniting the turps soaked jeans.

The look on his face was classic, he kept looking at his pint, his hand, and his flaming balls, wondering which to use to put the fire out. In the end he started whacking his nads with his empty hand.

Eventually he managed to put the flames out, and after us all having a long laugh at him and finishing our beers he decided to get the next round.

He stood up, took two steps towards the bar and his jeans fell apart! Now he never wore any kind of underwear so he was standing there in a crowded pub on a Saturday night with his manhood on show to all. He calmly walked to the bar and asked for a towel, and for a laugh the barstaff gave him a bar towel.

He stayed the entire night calmly walking about the bar with this bar towel covering himself, he even bought more beers for everybody, he really didnít care.

At the end of the night the landlord gave him a lift home just so that he wouldn't be arrested by the police for exposing himself.
(Mon 9th Feb 2009, 12:45, More)

» I'm going to Hell...

And yet another reason Satan an I will be Best Buddies!
Back in the dim and distant past when I was all of 16 years old, one of my cousins had her first child. Being 16 I really couldn't be arsed to go and see this sprog that she'd pushed out!

As it happened my entire family ganged up on me and forced me into going to the hospital to see this kid.

I walked in, looked disinterested, turned round and said "It looks like a prune!", then turned round and walked out!

I heard later that there were tears! I laughed at that.
(Sat 13th Dec 2008, 22:09, More)
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