b3ta.com user elgordo
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» Winning

Fat Challenge "win"
Somebody won the weekly image challenge about 'making fat people useful' by implying that fatties are on par with blacks, jews and gays, so you CANNOT mock them.

On b3ta. Where peodophillia, goatse & honda accords waltz with cocks, cunts and jesus.

You hypocritical, touchy bunch of obese twats.
(Thu 28th Apr 2011, 17:04, More)

» Blood

DIY Vasectomy
Mine was a happy life, playing amongst disused railway embankments and woodland, not a care in the world...

I was about 7. I'd finished froliking and had returned a grubby little bastard, needing to be washed. Not a problem methinks, I start running a bath (does anybody take these anymore?) and de-robe, ready for some Count Duckula bubble-bath joy. I had a floatilla of assorted boats and floatsam awaiting my command.

The bath is ready, I gleefully clamber to get in. As I do, I feel a tinge of pain 'down below'...

Lots of blood and a swift exit later, I peer down to see my cock dangling in half, pissing blood and hanging around like some kind of fleshy groupie. Cue screams and a bemused neighbour being summoned, as she's a nurse.

Turns out I'd managed to trap the skin around my little pee-pee in the bath side. I mean, what the fuck?!

8 stitches and a lot of screams later, the little trooper was as stitched up like a kipper.

I'm pleased to report that as of yet, all seems fine plumbing-wise (ie no sketchy pissing out sideways).


Length? A kiddy cock is only about an inch I think...

(Fri 8th Aug 2008, 9:34, More)

» Winning

I just won
A massive go kart race over 60 odd laps. Nnnneeeeeooooowwwwwwwwwww
(Wed 4th May 2011, 22:11, More)

» Bodge Jobs

DIY Doctor
1) Constructing a lolly-pop & duct tape splint after punching a wall and breaking a knuckle

2) Drinking a mix of bicarbonate of soda, cranberry & berrocca after I thought I might have caught the clap as a student

3) Cutting out two warts with my Dad's (rusty and knackered) stanley blade

More worrying is that all three worked OK (did the piss test to make sure...)
(Thu 10th Mar 2011, 16:43, More)

» Caught!

Sunny & Moony
This isn't a story about a shit cover band. It's about Alan Butler.

Alan got me to believe in 'invisible dust' at the age of five. With a printed catalogue of magic items... Even my Mum pissed herself when I told her about my plans to buy loads of it and sell it to the army.

Alan was overweight, impressionable and just as gullible six years later when in Year 6. This meant he would do lots of bizarre activities for sweets. Activities such as pull a 'Sunny' or 'Moonie' upon command.

Whilst simultaneously doing the 'truffle shuffle'. Whilst doing this, we started a 'dog shit fight'... this meant getting sticks and flicking the encrusted shit at each other. Fucking feral. All was 'well' until Alan slipped over in a particularly massive pile. Whilst semi-naked. Whilst a dinner lady watched on from the top of the school field.

Trying to explain to the Headmaster was bad enough. The confusion and shame on my Dad's face was ten-times worse...

Ahh school...
(Mon 7th Jun 2010, 19:34, More)
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