Profile for spongtastic:
I am the space midget in who lives in your pants. Haunting melodies of tortured sea monkeys herald my arrival to the world.
Fear me, for I am the lord.
Alternatively, outside of my head:
Fairly average guy living in Southwest Scotland. After doing zoology at uni went into sales and met some real fucking pond life in amongst it - though managed to do okay using integrity instead of cock-rot.
Now work for an agricultural merchants which means running around selling to farmers. Absolutely love my job, out in the country all day. Quite often covered in mud n cowshit - and the sheep have such pretty eyes ;-)
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Best answers to questions:
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I am the space midget in who lives in your pants. Haunting melodies of tortured sea monkeys herald my arrival to the world.
Fear me, for I am the lord.
Alternatively, outside of my head:
Fairly average guy living in Southwest Scotland. After doing zoology at uni went into sales and met some real fucking pond life in amongst it - though managed to do okay using integrity instead of cock-rot.
Now work for an agricultural merchants which means running around selling to farmers. Absolutely love my job, out in the country all day. Quite often covered in mud n cowshit - and the sheep have such pretty eyes ;-)
Recent front page messages:
none
Best answers to questions:
» Drugs
Words of Advice on Drugs
Not so many years ago, I did MODERATE drugs, as opposed to to the oft written massive drugs.
There were a few things I learnt along the way, and that are truly worth remembering. Some of which have been recanted in great and jovial detail already, but hey.
On hash: Eating it fucks you up really badly - and it'll take you by surprise with more force than George Michael in a gorilla suit, with a tube of udder mint, and a bunch of kingsize bananas.
Hot rock burns really hurt. I remember slouching in my student accomodation in a drug-addled state - almost at the point of nirvana - and then dropping a hot rock right on the tip of my bell-end through very thin trousers. This hurt. It hurts lots. I have seen grown man cry due to the pain.
If pushed for skins, the bibles placed in student halls with the strange thin (rizla-esque) paper will work if crafted correctly - and for added Kudos make sure to use the section referencing "the beast".
On Acid:
A truly great, and a truly fucking scary drug. The points of interest on this are as follows:
1) Don't take half a tab, wait 20 minutes and think *fuck its not working* and take another - repeat another 3 times, until the first one kicks in. In all my 6 times of dropping acid I've managed to successfully do this.
2) Make sure you don't have a manic, non-drug taking ex-boarding school friend who knocks on you, and your tripping chum's door wielding a knife and screaming in a high pitched voice "someone's gonna get a wedgy". It is not good for karma.
3) In the middle of winter, walking to a garage for cigarettes with your chum and then sitting in the park flicking cigarette ends up that "look like a minature battle field" as they smoulder in the snow covered grass is great. Not when both of you have gone out in shorts and t-shirts though.
4) When fucked on acid, opening traditional grolsch bottles may be a complete mystery to you. Embrace it. Love it. Watch your straight friends look at you as the epitome of evolution-in-reverse and fucktardery.
On speed
1) Speed + alcohol is trippy. Your legs don't work, and yet your brain works fast. Total carnage.
On "legal" drugs
Morphine is fucking ace. The reasons for getting it normally suck (broken leg). But those self-dispensing machines are great, especially with your earphones in and some Frank Zappa/Pink Floyd on.
Tramadol is a great second place. Got some of these when I fucked up my back - thinking "these little tablets will not stop the pain". I was giggling like a gnome and could feel no pain for about 4 hours afterwards.
And so ends the long sermon.
I'd apologise for length, but I've got a small penis and verily have to feel better about myself in some sparse way.
(Thu 16th Sep 2010, 22:29, More)
Words of Advice on Drugs
Not so many years ago, I did MODERATE drugs, as opposed to to the oft written massive drugs.
There were a few things I learnt along the way, and that are truly worth remembering. Some of which have been recanted in great and jovial detail already, but hey.
On hash: Eating it fucks you up really badly - and it'll take you by surprise with more force than George Michael in a gorilla suit, with a tube of udder mint, and a bunch of kingsize bananas.
Hot rock burns really hurt. I remember slouching in my student accomodation in a drug-addled state - almost at the point of nirvana - and then dropping a hot rock right on the tip of my bell-end through very thin trousers. This hurt. It hurts lots. I have seen grown man cry due to the pain.
If pushed for skins, the bibles placed in student halls with the strange thin (rizla-esque) paper will work if crafted correctly - and for added Kudos make sure to use the section referencing "the beast".
On Acid:
A truly great, and a truly fucking scary drug. The points of interest on this are as follows:
1) Don't take half a tab, wait 20 minutes and think *fuck its not working* and take another - repeat another 3 times, until the first one kicks in. In all my 6 times of dropping acid I've managed to successfully do this.
2) Make sure you don't have a manic, non-drug taking ex-boarding school friend who knocks on you, and your tripping chum's door wielding a knife and screaming in a high pitched voice "someone's gonna get a wedgy". It is not good for karma.
3) In the middle of winter, walking to a garage for cigarettes with your chum and then sitting in the park flicking cigarette ends up that "look like a minature battle field" as they smoulder in the snow covered grass is great. Not when both of you have gone out in shorts and t-shirts though.
4) When fucked on acid, opening traditional grolsch bottles may be a complete mystery to you. Embrace it. Love it. Watch your straight friends look at you as the epitome of evolution-in-reverse and fucktardery.
On speed
1) Speed + alcohol is trippy. Your legs don't work, and yet your brain works fast. Total carnage.
On "legal" drugs
Morphine is fucking ace. The reasons for getting it normally suck (broken leg). But those self-dispensing machines are great, especially with your earphones in and some Frank Zappa/Pink Floyd on.
Tramadol is a great second place. Got some of these when I fucked up my back - thinking "these little tablets will not stop the pain". I was giggling like a gnome and could feel no pain for about 4 hours afterwards.
And so ends the long sermon.
I'd apologise for length, but I've got a small penis and verily have to feel better about myself in some sparse way.
(Thu 16th Sep 2010, 22:29, More)
» Annoying words and phrases
Suffering from "stress"
You've got 10 seconds to defuse a nuclear bomb whilst being given a blowjob by an epileptic Janet Street Porter who has strobes attached to her glasses - that I shall accept to be stress.
For those who work in some public sector arenas and are "stressed" because they're under pressure (read: have a job to do) or because their flexi-time is under threat, or can't handle the fact that they're one of the chosen few to get a final salary pension (paid for by me and thee).
Fuck off. Get a grip on things and either do the job you're paid to do, or alternatively stop free-loading because "working for the council" seemed like an easy gravy train.
**Subnote** Not a sweeping generalisation, but seems to be highly appropriate in any of the public sector people/areas I've dealt with.
Spleen vented.
(Fri 9th Apr 2010, 20:47, More)
Suffering from "stress"
You've got 10 seconds to defuse a nuclear bomb whilst being given a blowjob by an epileptic Janet Street Porter who has strobes attached to her glasses - that I shall accept to be stress.
For those who work in some public sector arenas and are "stressed" because they're under pressure (read: have a job to do) or because their flexi-time is under threat, or can't handle the fact that they're one of the chosen few to get a final salary pension (paid for by me and thee).
Fuck off. Get a grip on things and either do the job you're paid to do, or alternatively stop free-loading because "working for the council" seemed like an easy gravy train.
**Subnote** Not a sweeping generalisation, but seems to be highly appropriate in any of the public sector people/areas I've dealt with.
Spleen vented.
(Fri 9th Apr 2010, 20:47, More)
» Annoying words and phrases
I'd like to "touch base with you" and no "this is not a sales call".
So many irritating phrases, but the two above have to be the most irritating, for me, on the planet.
Please feel free to phone me and see how I'm doing, or enquire how things are going. Do not, however, for the love of gerbil-fucking tell me you're phoning to touch base with me. Your likely reply is for me to touch fist with you, preferably in the face.
Second one - "Hi, its feckless-script-reader from Arseholes. This isn't a sales call, I'm phoning you because you spoke to one of my colleagues about innane product a few months ago".
I'm a professional (to a degree) sales person - I know the pain these poor fuckers have to endure... That first line "this is not a sales call" is an alarm to all and sundry (even the Jeremy Kyle frequenting fraternity) that it is, indeed, a sales call. Speak that magical wording to me and you'll go from 0-Cunty in less than a millisecond.
(As a whimsical aside - when you want to fuck with them always push them to ask when, and what time, you spoke to said former colleague. They normally go all slack jawed - "oh, erm, the system doesn't tell me". Funny how the system tells you all my details - down to the current direction of my pubic hair due to the earth's magnetism and yet can't allow you to generate a plausible lie.
Apologies for length, and being ranty. Cherry popped n all that.
(Thu 8th Apr 2010, 14:10, More)
I'd like to "touch base with you" and no "this is not a sales call".
So many irritating phrases, but the two above have to be the most irritating, for me, on the planet.
Please feel free to phone me and see how I'm doing, or enquire how things are going. Do not, however, for the love of gerbil-fucking tell me you're phoning to touch base with me. Your likely reply is for me to touch fist with you, preferably in the face.
Second one - "Hi, its feckless-script-reader from Arseholes. This isn't a sales call, I'm phoning you because you spoke to one of my colleagues about innane product a few months ago".
I'm a professional (to a degree) sales person - I know the pain these poor fuckers have to endure... That first line "this is not a sales call" is an alarm to all and sundry (even the Jeremy Kyle frequenting fraternity) that it is, indeed, a sales call. Speak that magical wording to me and you'll go from 0-Cunty in less than a millisecond.
(As a whimsical aside - when you want to fuck with them always push them to ask when, and what time, you spoke to said former colleague. They normally go all slack jawed - "oh, erm, the system doesn't tell me". Funny how the system tells you all my details - down to the current direction of my pubic hair due to the earth's magnetism and yet can't allow you to generate a plausible lie.
Apologies for length, and being ranty. Cherry popped n all that.
(Thu 8th Apr 2010, 14:10, More)
» Annoying words and phrases
"Total cost of ownership"
Please translate this to:
I am attempting to bend your mind with smoke and mirrors. If you make a substantial capital purchase then it will save you money.
Often (but not exclusively) used by "Cuntus Cuntus" - common name, the photocopier sales person.
I, for many a year, was one of these horrible individuals (though hope to god I wasn't as horribly cliche as most of them).
This is an industry that survives on inventing and adopting phrases to fiscally-rape your company.
Other beauties related to the industry include:
"Evergreen contract" - a way that you can commit capital to constantly refresh your office fleet". This translates to a never ending finance agreement where you agree to pay a vast quantity of cash to us every month - oh and when you cotton on and tell us to stop we'll terminate it - with 5 years notice.
"Total Volume Plan - you only pay 2 pence per print, including the cost of the capital for the machine.". This translates to "it only costs you 2 pence per print, however, you have to commit to a volume of 250,000 prints per quarter (which Margaret on reception wouldn't achieve in 12 years).
"Refurbished - in as new condition" - this really means a bag of spanners that nobody wanted, and that an engineer has either a) wiped down with a dirty cloth or b) removed the panels and cleaned it with Cif or other cleaning products available at all good (and bad) outlets.
"Document Management Suite - you can handle all your documents seamlessly" - for your average copier salesperson this translates to it has a scanner, but don't ask me what to do with the vast quantity of shit you'll scan in, not archive nor index - or indeed backup.
"We're on the OGC contract to supply to public sector". This should mean that you can purchase goods at a pre-tendered price. Did they mention the fact that they can add an "invisible" line called consultancy? This means they can walk into a school with 29 pupils, sell a multifunction printer for £1,100.00 on a contract and then put it on a lease - and oh yes - the consultancy was £2,800.00.
Now, partially, as the hunter becoming the hunted I tend to spit vitriol, hatred and man-milk over all those who try to yank me with these buzzwords.
(Thu 8th Apr 2010, 18:25, More)
"Total cost of ownership"
Please translate this to:
I am attempting to bend your mind with smoke and mirrors. If you make a substantial capital purchase then it will save you money.
Often (but not exclusively) used by "Cuntus Cuntus" - common name, the photocopier sales person.
I, for many a year, was one of these horrible individuals (though hope to god I wasn't as horribly cliche as most of them).
This is an industry that survives on inventing and adopting phrases to fiscally-rape your company.
Other beauties related to the industry include:
"Evergreen contract" - a way that you can commit capital to constantly refresh your office fleet". This translates to a never ending finance agreement where you agree to pay a vast quantity of cash to us every month - oh and when you cotton on and tell us to stop we'll terminate it - with 5 years notice.
"Total Volume Plan - you only pay 2 pence per print, including the cost of the capital for the machine.". This translates to "it only costs you 2 pence per print, however, you have to commit to a volume of 250,000 prints per quarter (which Margaret on reception wouldn't achieve in 12 years).
"Refurbished - in as new condition" - this really means a bag of spanners that nobody wanted, and that an engineer has either a) wiped down with a dirty cloth or b) removed the panels and cleaned it with Cif or other cleaning products available at all good (and bad) outlets.
"Document Management Suite - you can handle all your documents seamlessly" - for your average copier salesperson this translates to it has a scanner, but don't ask me what to do with the vast quantity of shit you'll scan in, not archive nor index - or indeed backup.
"We're on the OGC contract to supply to public sector". This should mean that you can purchase goods at a pre-tendered price. Did they mention the fact that they can add an "invisible" line called consultancy? This means they can walk into a school with 29 pupils, sell a multifunction printer for £1,100.00 on a contract and then put it on a lease - and oh yes - the consultancy was £2,800.00.
Now, partially, as the hunter becoming the hunted I tend to spit vitriol, hatred and man-milk over all those who try to yank me with these buzzwords.
(Thu 8th Apr 2010, 18:25, More)
» Annoying words and phrases
Meh, some phrases that I find really irritating in no particular order.
"Stop doing that",
"I'm going to call the police",
"Is it in yet uncle?"
/coat
(Sun 11th Apr 2010, 7:26, More)
Meh, some phrases that I find really irritating in no particular order.
"Stop doing that",
"I'm going to call the police",
"Is it in yet uncle?"
/coat
(Sun 11th Apr 2010, 7:26, More)