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» Little Victories

A little victory for the Polo company.
A while ago, the people who make Polo mints brought out a promotional product called "Polo Holes", the idea being that these small mints were the bits that were stamped out of the middle.
As a schoolboy at the time, I was tasked for english homework to write a letter of complaint. I chose to complain about polo holes as the definition of a hole is a cavity; nothingness so by that measure the packet should be empty. How disappointed I was to find these white things in the packet. I promised not to take the case to trading standards if they sent me a years supply. Genius. Well written letter, no harm done. Except teacher decided to mail it.

Several days pass and I receive an unexpected parcel at home. Inside was a wholesale packet of polo tubes with one noticable difference:
All the packets were empty. Yes, EMPTY! The gist of the enclosed letter basically said: Sorry for your disappointment, we'd hate to fall below your expectations again, so we've enclosed a sizeable supply of your definition of "holes". Dont eat them all at once!
(Tue 15th Feb 2011, 18:18, More)

» Little Victories

I work in McDonalds (yeah I know)
One particularly quiet morning a policeman came in who the previous week had arrested me on a bullshit charge. Despite my polite protestations, he continued being a dick an kept me in for the night. I hadn't even been drinking and the charge was dropped "no further actioned" after my interview. He recognised me after placing a c£15 order for breakfast, I assume for him and his chums in the station. I greeted him with sarcastic shitty comments and went of to cook his breakfast.

Now it would be no good to contaminate the food with germs filth and disease. Or spit. I'm just not that vindictive. And in all honesty, i've never seen anyone do this to any food in any McDonalds - Ever.

Instead, I disregarded all the food i had been holding, and took the extra time to prepare everything fresh. Freshly cooked eggs, sausage, bacon. Crisp tasted muffins, the works. Everything put together perfectly and with the panache required of a Jamie Oliver cookery show. Egon Ronay himself would've eaten it after watching me prepare it. The police deserve the finest food with the finest ingredients!

As it was quiet, I took the effort to go round, help bag up the order and present it in the nicest possible way to the offending officer, with a sickening smile and have a nice day! He nervously took the order and politely said thank you before departing.

I figured he'd do one of two things. He'd send the whole lot away for analysis, (with the hope of bringing another charge) or check everything and really not enjoy eating any of it.

He surprised me by binning it outside and looking back at me smiling, as if to say "I'm not falling for that one!".

No apologies for length; our sausage is burger shaped!
(Tue 15th Feb 2011, 1:14, More)

» Break-up Stories

Broke it off with a ginger bird....
When I was young and not very good looking, (still not) I didn't quite have my pick of the girls. It was thus I came to be seeing Emma. She was my dark teenage secret... Think Linda out of Gimme Gimme Gimme. She took my virginity - well not quite, as I was about 14 I hadn't developed the right technique to deal with the "bigger lady", the first few times were in her arse - but I digress.

After a while it came time to treat her to the Spanish archer, and give her the el-bow. She didn't react too well, saying "If you dump me, I'll tell your mum that we've had sex!" As they hadn't met, I called her bluff and told her to do one. A couple of days later I was walking through town with mumsie, who I should point out was a bit of a social hand grenade. Fat ginger comes storming over and starts shouting. "Your son dumped me and I think you should know that we had sex!" The whole. Street. Stopped. There was deathly silence for a second. WHACK! I get a back hander from mum straight across the face.
"How could you have sex with that?!" "Look at it! LOOK AT IT!"
Problem solved I guess.
(Tue 17th Sep 2013, 16:21, More)

» Cougars and Sugar Daddies

Ram It!
A "friend" of mine at the tender age of just 18 years old finds himself posted to Germany with the Army. Trying to make the most of a poor life, he decides to take up drinking in one of the local bars that happen to be frequented by all the expat brits. As is the case when it's the last weekend before payday, he didn't have much money to buy drinks for a quality bird so ended up going home with a 66 year old woman with grade 4 bleach blonde hair "because she said she'd be the best shag ever". She was the Über Chav with a voice like Futurama's "Mom" to boot. It's the voice that I remember most clearly. It resonated around the billet shared with 7 others like a very low pitched fire engine, temporarily interrupted by the shouts of "Fuck Me!" "Fuck Me you Cunt!" "Fuck Me! Fuck Me! Fuck Me!". Then came the body blow- "Turn the Fackin' Light on!". I swear at this point she sounded like what i'd imagine to be a cross between the Viz's Cockney Wanker and fag ash lil! "Turn the Fackin' Light on! - I wanna see you fuck me!" She ordered. She reached across and turned the reading light on. It was then discovered upon looking down, she had the words "RAM IT!" quite clearly tattoed above her lady bits. There may even have "Big Boy" underneath, but this was obscured by pubes so that is unconfirmed at this stage. The traumatic experience put me off sex for a week.

The week after that we all ventured to a different bar. On the hunt for new, younger, and much better looking meat. A friend points to two young, very sexy fille's and says, "Those two girls want to talk to you!". So, collars up, trying to look cool, we swagger over, trying to look good and deliver the line: "Allo' Ladies!" to which one of them replied, "Hey, didn't you sleep with my auntie last week?"

Roger that, lets run like hell.......
(Mon 8th Dec 2008, 7:17, More)

» Bodge Jobs

The bodged projector we named the "iTard".
I'm a cheapskate; I have no problem admitting it. I use servers and computer stuff salvaged from skips. That also makes me a bin raider and hoarder. I can't walk past a skip without delving in and sometimes I'll hawk my finds online and sometimes I’ll manufacture and bodge something. This is a tale of one such time.

I had a laptop that was a complete write off. I'd inherited it from someone else. The motherboard had a crack down the middle and there was no screen, having been torn clean off. The first stage was to get this working. Using my autism to great effect and invoking my rain man style soldering skills, the machine was soon working having been screwed to a piece of plastic and the keyboard DUCT-taped to the thing. As it came with a Vista OEM licence (befitting the time) that was transferred to another machine and the hard drive went with it. Enter fellow b3tan epicsnail and his knowledge of Linux distro's and in a flash, the thing was running from a memory stick, with an external monitor. The LCD monitor I had was itself another bodged contraption, and we wondered if this was stripped down and placed onto an old style overhead projector, would it project the image. Within minutes, I was on the phone to the primary schools in my area. I figured that with the advent of interactive white boards, at least one would have one going spare. Turns out the second school I rang were only too willing to help. That afternoon, the projector, and trolley were in my dining room and the LCD was placed over the top having been ripped away from the casing and back-screen. The contraption booted up and projected perfectly. It took a few minor alterations what with being backwards, out of focus and upside down, but we got there in the end. We strung up a bed sheet in my living room and experimented watching films, streaming videos from the server and joining in with pron films!

The project got a little out of hand after that I’ll confess. Custom boot screens, decals and permanent marker designs. We even went for an Apple style proprietary power supply design that involved a power cable made of a three pin plug at each end!
Not wanting to be accused of failing to keeping up with the latest technology, the next stage is the development of 3D. The broad plan is to build another one, find a source video with that has the left eye on the left and the right on the right. Then, using some sort of extended desktop arrangement, display the two images simultaneously and project through some sort of polarising filter and wearing glasses.

I know we took pictures, i'm trying to find a couple to post up.
(Sun 13th Mar 2011, 14:09, More)
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