Profile for Joe Strummer's Telecaster:
Great musician, Shite human.
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- a member for 16 years, 4 months and 7 days
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Great musician, Shite human.
Recent front page messages:
none
Best answers to questions:
» Faking it
Christmas? Bah! Humbugger off!
I'm a bit of a curmudgeonly old sod at times and usually more so on the run-up to Christmas, or The Furtive Season as I not-so-affectionately refer to it.
False bonhomie does nothing to cheer me and I loathe random people whom I've never before met wishing me well for no good reason.
So it is that I've come across the perfect way of getting instant revenge on these unwelcome morons who generally can't tell a cross from a crucifix, checkout staff particularly: when I'm asked (as we all are at some point) what I'll be doing for Christmas by some spotty, seventeen year-old single mum with the average IQ of a dead badger, I like to look them in the eye and say "praying for you and your kind to the Lord Jehova, that he may forgive you and take you into his light. Would you like one of our tracts?" The effect of this invariably shuts the moron up immediately, with the added bonus that they'll think twice before asking another person the same question. However, if I'm in a particularly foul mood, I'll look at the ceiling and tell them "nothing. I'm alone this year as I've just lost my wife and kids in a car crash."
Shuts the stupid twunts up every time.
(Tue 15th Jul 2008, 12:25, More)
Christmas? Bah! Humbugger off!
I'm a bit of a curmudgeonly old sod at times and usually more so on the run-up to Christmas, or The Furtive Season as I not-so-affectionately refer to it.
False bonhomie does nothing to cheer me and I loathe random people whom I've never before met wishing me well for no good reason.
So it is that I've come across the perfect way of getting instant revenge on these unwelcome morons who generally can't tell a cross from a crucifix, checkout staff particularly: when I'm asked (as we all are at some point) what I'll be doing for Christmas by some spotty, seventeen year-old single mum with the average IQ of a dead badger, I like to look them in the eye and say "praying for you and your kind to the Lord Jehova, that he may forgive you and take you into his light. Would you like one of our tracts?" The effect of this invariably shuts the moron up immediately, with the added bonus that they'll think twice before asking another person the same question. However, if I'm in a particularly foul mood, I'll look at the ceiling and tell them "nothing. I'm alone this year as I've just lost my wife and kids in a car crash."
Shuts the stupid twunts up every time.
(Tue 15th Jul 2008, 12:25, More)
» Doctors, Nurses, Dentists and Hospitals
Hospital band
Not funny as such, but there is some irony to be had.
I broke some bones in my hand about a decade ago and went as quickly as possible to the local A&E, which happened to be in Torquay.
Being a guitarist, I was eager to be seen and find out how long it'd be before I'd be able to play again.
While waiting to be seen I struck up a conversation with a couple of the other casualties awaiting treatment and it transpired they were a drummer with a broken leg (kick fighting)and a pianist with 2 broken wrists (motorcycle accident).
The pain we were each suffering was immense but the empathy made us all feel a little better.
(Tue 16th Mar 2010, 20:19, More)
Hospital band
Not funny as such, but there is some irony to be had.
I broke some bones in my hand about a decade ago and went as quickly as possible to the local A&E, which happened to be in Torquay.
Being a guitarist, I was eager to be seen and find out how long it'd be before I'd be able to play again.
While waiting to be seen I struck up a conversation with a couple of the other casualties awaiting treatment and it transpired they were a drummer with a broken leg (kick fighting)and a pianist with 2 broken wrists (motorcycle accident).
The pain we were each suffering was immense but the empathy made us all feel a little better.
(Tue 16th Mar 2010, 20:19, More)
» Faking it
Ah-ah-aahh-CHOO!
In the early 1980s I worked for a certain strike-ridden (no longer existent) British car company in East Oxford.
Some friends of mine were in a band and were supporting the Damned at the old Oxford Poly (now Oxford Brookes) and as I was working nights, I had no way to get to see them but then I had a bright idea...
As the gig was on a Wednesday, I decided the only way I could get out of work (they were utter bastards to work for so I had no choice) was to appear too ill to work. Thus the plan unfolded.
So on the Monday and Tuesday nights I took a pepper shaker to work and snorted ground white pepper at regular inervals during the shifts to give me the appearance of someone with an extremely bad cold: sneezing, coughing, red face, sweating etc. This also made my snot turn a particularly nasty brown colour and lo and behold, when I missed Wednesday's shift but turned up on Thursday as normal, I was asked why I'd come into work at all as I'd been so ill at the start of the week.
Result!
Fooled the bastards and went and had a fantastic night watching my mates' band and then the Damned, who I still go and see every year as I thnk they're ace.
Punk Rock - Do things your own way!
(Tue 15th Jul 2008, 15:04, More)
Ah-ah-aahh-CHOO!
In the early 1980s I worked for a certain strike-ridden (no longer existent) British car company in East Oxford.
Some friends of mine were in a band and were supporting the Damned at the old Oxford Poly (now Oxford Brookes) and as I was working nights, I had no way to get to see them but then I had a bright idea...
As the gig was on a Wednesday, I decided the only way I could get out of work (they were utter bastards to work for so I had no choice) was to appear too ill to work. Thus the plan unfolded.
So on the Monday and Tuesday nights I took a pepper shaker to work and snorted ground white pepper at regular inervals during the shifts to give me the appearance of someone with an extremely bad cold: sneezing, coughing, red face, sweating etc. This also made my snot turn a particularly nasty brown colour and lo and behold, when I missed Wednesday's shift but turned up on Thursday as normal, I was asked why I'd come into work at all as I'd been so ill at the start of the week.
Result!
Fooled the bastards and went and had a fantastic night watching my mates' band and then the Damned, who I still go and see every year as I thnk they're ace.
Punk Rock - Do things your own way!
(Tue 15th Jul 2008, 15:04, More)
» Doctors, Nurses, Dentists and Hospitals
Appropriate name
I used to see an NHS dentist in Newton Abbot, Devon. An Egyptian chap named... Nashar.
A humourless mouth-butcher if ever there was one.
(Tue 16th Mar 2010, 20:22, More)
Appropriate name
I used to see an NHS dentist in Newton Abbot, Devon. An Egyptian chap named... Nashar.
A humourless mouth-butcher if ever there was one.
(Tue 16th Mar 2010, 20:22, More)