» Food sabotage

"Woman Chokes to Death on Sausage"
You know those sandwich boards outside your local newsagents, shouting the latest local "news" at you?
Imagine the hilarity that ensued after reading "Woman Chokes to Death on Sausage" in big capital letters. So hilarious, in fact, that my boyfriend stole the A3 poster to put up in his bedroom for later LOLz.

Then a story was born!

Back in the day, to put some pennies in my teenage pockets, I worked as a cleaner in the local mental health hospital. It was, shall we say, eventful. Being a slim 17 year old girl, I attracted a lot of unwanted attention from the male patients, I had to promise a man I would marry him if I was still single at 40, or he wouldn't let me past the corridor. He got on his knees and everything. There was some abuse here and there. I never forget the day a morbidly obese woman punched out a junkies front teeth cause "he stole her fags".

Being bored of cleaning the piss and shit, my lovley boss would often let me serve the meals instead.
Sauage and mash was always popular with the patients.

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/cumbria/3081980.stm

Turns out the story behind the headline was that a patient had been walking around with sausage lodged in her throat for a few days. She was told by the expertly medically trained nurses that she "probably had a cold or something".

A few checks of the calendar and work schedules and we came to the conclusion:

I served that woman her death.

Would have been a better story if I actually had some sort of grudge against her. She was actually alright.
(Fri 19th Sep 2008, 13:20, More)