» School Days

Alcohol crackdown
As anyone who's been to boarding school will know, alcohol is a serious problem/source of fun (delete as appropriate). And so it isn't unusual for school management to launch crackdowns on its consumption, sending out more vociferous messages & increasing punishments for a time. Such action was taken at my school in the early 90s.

However, we were all surprised to find it being taken quite so seriously when we came downstairs one morning to find a letter from the Headmaster pinned to the house noticeboard. It read something like:


"For the attention of all pupils.

"It has come to my attention that, despite the recent warnings about drinking alcohol whilst at school, around 80 pupils openly flaunted the no-drinking rules in front of several of my colleagues on Sunday morning. The brazen way in which they drank communion wine in the school chapel sets a bad example to all.

"In the spirit of Christianity, however, I would like to declare an amnesty. All pupils who are guilty of this offence should report to their housemaster by 5.00pm on Friday, and their punishment shall be reduced to a double detention. Those who fail to declare their guilt and are subsequently identified will be suspended as per the new rules.

"To prevent further such incidents occurring, the school chaplain has agreed that Ribena will be served at future services."


Cue a certain amount of disbelief amongst all pupils. Disbelief that was subsequently explained when it emerged that one year 9 boy had somehow managed to get hold of some headed letter paper, forged the Headmaster's signature, and then (this is my favourite bit) during one night managed to smuggle himself into all 16 boarding houses to pin this letter up before anyone awoke.

Unsurprisingly he was himself suspended, but his antics won him more kudos amongst his peers than I think the Head would have liked...
(Mon 2nd Feb 2009, 17:56, More)

» Cringe!

First term at boarding school
Strangely enough, I don't remember being particularly embarrassed by this at the time, but 21 years later I can't think of it without cringing massively.

I went off to boarding school at the age of 11, and at the end of our first term we had a house Christmas party. This involved each of four sections of the house putting on a 15 minute "entertainment" for the benefit of everyone else.

Somehow (and I can't start to imagine how gullible I must have been back then) I was persuaded to do one sketch by myself, based on a silly article in some magazine one of the other boys had (I think it may have been a Viz annual).

And so I went onto the makeshift stage, with my 11-year-old self dressed only in a blazer, wellington boots, and a pair of Y-fronts. With my right hand on the inside of said Y-fronts, visibly moving about. And I began a 2-minute monologue:

"Masturbation - the difficult one. Some people find it difficult to talk about. Others find it difficult to do..."

I can't remember the whole of the speech (no doubt my memory is trying to protect me from something), but I do remember that it ended with me giving a helpline number for anyone experiencing difficulties in the wanking department.

Of course, this was all played out not just in front of about fifty 11-15 year old boys, all of whom were howling with laughter, but the housemaster and other house staff, including Matron. And the school chaplain. And the headmaster's wife.

Quite how I got through the next six and a half years I'll never know...
(Sat 29th Nov 2008, 1:11, More)

» The thing I've been most ashamed of doing with a penis

OK, so this is a pearoast...
...but it's the only relevant one I can think of right now.

I guess it wasn't so much the fact that I involved my penis in this, but the fact that it happened at all - the penis bit just exacerbates it I think.

I went off to boarding school at the age of 11, and at the end of our first term we had a house Christmas party. This involved each section of the house putting on a 15 minute "entertainment" for the benefit of everyone else.

Somehow the young, gullible Mr Dillow was persuaded to do one sketch by myself, based on an article in the Monty Python Papperbok.

And so I went onto the makeshift stage, with my 11-year-old self dressed only in a blazer, wellington boots, and a pair of Y-fronts. With my right hand on the inside of said Y-fronts, visibly moving about. And I began a 2-minute monologue:

"Masturbation - the difficult one. Some people find it difficult to talk about. Others find it difficult to do..."

I can't remember the whole of the speech (no doubt my memory is trying to protect me from something), but I do remember that it ended with me giving a helpline number for anyone experiencing difficulties in the wanking department.

Of course, this was all played out not just in front of about fifty 11-15 year old boys, all of whom were howling with laughter, but the housemaster and other house staff, including Matron. And the school chaplain. And the headmaster's wife.

Over twenty years on I still can't think of it without physically cringing.
(Thu 12th Mar 2009, 23:46, More)

» I'm going to Hell...

Plumming the depths
Mention of the Lord's Prayer in this week's question reminded me of something I do on a regular basis.

I sing in the choir at a cathedral in the north of England (perhaps I should be no more specific than that...), mainly because I enjoy singing and find the extra cash useful rather than being due to a strong religious conviction. For the last 2-3 years however, I and a colleague have adapted our own very special version of the Lord's Prayer. Neither of us can remember how it started (I've a feeling some priest may have mentioned plums in a sermon), but now every Sunday morning, without fail, we offer the following version:

Our father, who art in Heaven,
Hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom plum,
Thy will be plum,
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily plums,
And forgive plums their trespasses,
As we forgive those who trespass against plums.
And lead plums not into temptation,
But deliver plums from evil.
For thine is the king plum, the power and the glory, for ever and ever.
Plum jam.

The colleague doesn't even stand adjacent to me, ensuring that it has to be loud enough for others to hear. I'm certain it'll earn us both a one-way ticket to Hull, which would be a shame, as there's no cathedral there...
(Sun 14th Dec 2008, 23:47, More)

» School Days

Experimental onanism
Communal showers after games are one of the facts of school life for most, I guess, and although there may be some shyness at first, most people get used to the idea quickly enough and just get on with it.

I doubt, however, that many people get so comfortable with it that they would use an openly visible shower in a busy changing room to experiment with different masturbatory techniques. Unfortunately one such boy at my school - let's call him Nick (for, in time-honoured tradition, that was his name) - did not share such reticence.

I've no idea to this day what made him think that it would be a good idea to stimulate his dick by placing it between his hands, and rubbing them together like he'd forgotten to wear gloves on a visit to the North Pole. Perhaps he was trying to see if it shared the same consistency as plasticine.

Unfortunately for Nick, however, regardless of the consistency of his organ, he'd neglected to take account of the vessels that allowed its very tumescence. In performing this act he managed to rupture one of the said penile blood vessels, resulting in a suddenly much redder form of liquid coming from his own head than the water coming from the shower head.

And if there's one thing more embarrassing for a 12-year-old boy than having this happen in front of his peers, it's having to go to matron to have it treated and explain how it happened.

Length? I think that was the least of his worries...
(Tue 3rd Feb 2009, 11:48, More)