b3ta.com user the_biochem_ninja
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the_biochem_ninja. Man. Myth. Tax-dodging university student. Legend.

Studying biochemistry at Lancaster Uni, with a view to doing graduate medicine (the money's good, and you get paid, not arrested, for cutting people with knives...) so at least im not just bumming around doing 'david beckham studies' or 'existentialistic poetry'.

Friendly guy, always chatty! Into my music (allsorts, from Sigur Ros, to Sublime, to Scratch Perverts, to anything you can think of!), play bass, electric and acoustic guitar, and dabble in drums, love playing sports and bumming around doing bugger all :)

Drop us a line, always happy to chat!

Recent front page messages:


Best answers to questions:

» Food sabotage

Well, I don't know if anyone's seen the footage....
But I suffer from short term memory loss...terrible affliction. Anyhooo, I also struggled being a man for the first 20 years of life, and decided to have a lifestyle (read: sex) change. One of my lady-friends didnt take kindly to this and bullied me over it, fairly horrifically.

My plan to take revenge against her for the traumatic abuse took form.

I invited her over for dinner, under the pretence that there'd be many mutual acquaintences. In reality there was only one. Me.

Now it just so happens that the bully I know is rather blind, and has no sense of smell, which made my plan all the easier to concoct. Once we'd eaten our meals, I asked my brother to film what would be the revenge of the century...I asked the bully if she'd like some icecream.

She said yes.

So i took her cone, and like some horrific Mr Shitty-Wippy, curled a turd off into it. She was none the wiser as i handed it to her, and she started nuzzling it and licking it. "AHA!" I thought to myself...the bitch fell for it.

As it turns out... I forgot all about pinching the log off 30 seconds after having done it, and started to join in, thinking 'wow, that chocolate icecream looks mighty fine!'

The video speaks for itself.

And the nudity and blatant lesbian undertones are all coincidental.
(Mon 22nd Sep 2008, 0:18, More)

» Social Networking Gaffes

Facebook + Alcohol = Shame
Noone likes to wake up, and vaugley remember drunkenly posting on a pretty young lady's wall...

the feeling of dread as you open her profile page...

your stomach sinking as you scroll down to the wall...

the confusion when you see the following sentence...

'I'd realllyesa likeafe to tagieaohne youajotpa ninha, iwoppa mopawgni dinner, aowithang beautiful face aoinga pink slit awnds, no lube, geaino dark matter opawjtg, credit crunch woinegs, hold me.'

and finally the shame when you can no longer view her photos as you have to add her as a friend again first...
(Tue 16th Sep 2008, 0:41, More)

» Blood

How my little brother destroyed my chances for olympic gymnastics greatness...
Back when I was a wee little biochem_ninja, around 8 years old, my younger brother and I bitched and whinged to our parents to let us start doing gymnastics, as a family friend's son had recently started. They agreed, and off we trotted in our little camp 90s leotards.

Now my brother has always been a bit cack-handed and accident prone, he's jumped in swimming pools facing backwards, smashing his forehead open on the side (2 teatowels worth of blood that time...) and been hit in the nose with the full force of a golf club backswing, amongst other gory escapades. Bringing him and a highly dynamic, physically demanding and skilful sport together would always be a recipe for disaster...

So anywaaay, we'd must have only attended this gymnastics class for 3 months or so, when the inevitable happened.

We were in a group with about 4 others, queueing (queuing? I don't know. That word makes less and less sense as I look at it for longer and longer) for our go on the asymmetric bars (You know, the ones the starving 15 year-old Romanian girls do in the olympics?). I was behind my brother, so I saw the whole event unfold. He was lifted up onto the lower bar by the coach, told to swing a few times, then jump to the higher bar. I heard him muttering "1...2...3..." then he jumped.

Now, the coach had chosen this point to turn around to talk to some randomer about the weather, or discuss the pattern on her coffee mug, or discuss the political situation in Madagascar.

She therefore failed to catch my brother as he reached out for the higher bar, and slipped.

She also failed to catch him as he fell towards the crash-mat.

She only actually turned around from her conversation when she heard the sickening crunch as my brother landed on the mat. They thought that perhaps he’d broken part of the equipment, so they began checking the apparatus.

It took them about 30 seconds to realise my brother hadn’t got up, and he was looking rather pale. On closer inspection the female coach almost fainted… My brother landing on the crash mat with his arm behind his back had meant that the pressure of his bodyweight had splintered his elbow into roughly 40 pieces. It was mess. No blood on the outside, but, plenty in places it shouldn’t be, under the skin…The paramedics arrived about 15 minutes later, took one look at the limb that was now held together by only skin and muscle tissue, and stuffed my brother in the back of an ambulance. My brother didn't scream once, he passed out with the pain, poor sod.

All I remember from that afternoon was the ride home with a family friend, following the ambulance to the hospital. My brother had to have a total 12 pints of blood transfused during the surgery that reconstructed his elbow (the human body only contains 8 or so pints, so quite a fair bit of blood involved), staples, and about a total of 30 stitches.

The bottom line? £13,000 compensation from the club due to the lack of attention from the coach, a big scar and an arm he can't straighten to tell cool stories with, and a lot of love and attention from worried parents and friends for my little brother.

And for me? Our parents banned us from gymnastics, scuppering my chances of gymnastic stardom on the world-stage.

Cheers bro. You selfish git.

(apologies for the lengthy pop!)
(Tue 12th Aug 2008, 10:33, More)

» Food sabotage

Customers sometimes deserve it....
I work in a restaurant/café, and the clientele are usually lovely, but sometimes you get some knobbish old people who think they have rights over everyone younger than them.

you know, the ones that push in bus queues, saying it's their right to go first, or that they should be served first in shops because they were born first. twunts.

anyhoo, im not a thin guy, but i wouldnt say im hugely fat, just a muscularish build, with a mild student vodka gut. But apparently i'm still a target for geriatric abuse...

I went over to a table with some old woman on it, chatting to her friend about how the youth of today are all either on heroin, pregnant, infected with HIV, or a combination of all the above, and handed to her her strawberries and cream.

Instead of the usual "Thank you very much", or "Cheers" I instead heard the following comment:

"Goodness gracious me, look at all this cream...if we eat all this we'll be the same size as the waiter!"

Well, let's just say when she ordered her post-dessert coffee, there was probably more bodily fluid in it than water.

Bitch. Hope your false teeth fall out in the night and choke you. or your stoma bag bursts and you slip on your own shit.

/rant over :)
(Sun 21st Sep 2008, 1:36, More)

» My sex misconceptions

Angry Pirate...
Dunno if it's bindun, but as a youngster, I thought the "angry pirate" was a legitimate sex game...

when you're being sucked off, and are reaching the point of no return, withdraw, and come in her eye. There's the one eye of the pirate.

Then kick her in the shin so she's hobbling on one leg, rather piratesque, and finally punch her in the stomach for the obligatory "YAAAAAAAARGH!"

Note: This only works where the lass is an EXTREME pirates of the carribean fan...or you may, just may be in danger of:

a)becoming single,
b)being arrested and worked over in prison by a big man called shirley, or

Good times
(Thu 25th Sep 2008, 23:56, More)
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