» School Projects

My unofficial school project
There is a school project I have gained infamy for, however, it was one very much unofficial and non-condoned by the school. When I was a younger lad and still at school I would have likely been described as "quiet", "shy" or "timid". I hardly spoke to anyone in my year and would keep myself to myself. I would get good reports noting my conscientiousness and all the other trappings of a prized swot. Fate one day struck me and knocked me off my current path and into new territory though.

What could it have been that sent me on such a divergent path? Why of course the internet my friend. Having convinced my mother to upgrade to broadband and entrust me with setting everything up I became delighted to learn of there being 10mb, a whole TEN!!!, worth of webspace that came with the account. I pondered many a day and tested as many designs; my mind churning over what I could create. I needed something that drew people back again and again, something different, personal and funny. After two weeks of pondering I struck gold and thus...

"Wanker of the Week" was born!

The premise? People could vote for someone they thought had been a wanker and the reason why, votes would be tallied and the supreme wanker would be announced at the end of each week. This was back in the day before social networking so a quick e-mail to everyone on my msn account got the ball rolling. There were over 100 votes in the first week. Soon enough my whole year of school knew about it and were regularly voting. At the end of each week I also struck on the idea of making a Certificate of Wankership for the weekly 'winner'. This was sprung on them Jeremy Beadle style after waiting for them outside of their classes.

The webspace was HTML and M$ Frontpage only unfortunately so no fancy code could help make the tables for me and I had to each night tally the votes and update it myself. This did not bother me however as there were many gems for the reasons section - "Johnny Davis - by Waffles the dog - 'he hits me with his tennis racket and makes me lick peanut butter off him afterwards'" and "Charles Baker - by [his girlfriend] 'he makes me take it up the arse and it bloody hurts'". The genius behind that one was even though the girlfriend didn't know about the website he still fell out with her because of it!

As the popularity grew people began to demand more and more. After adding a guestbook which acted more like a forum I was receiving daily content to add. This included what was to be my downfall - edited pictures of members of the teaching staff including the headteacher in a bunny suit chasing children. I was falling behind with updating the website and not producing enough content to met demand so I had to take on helpers. In the end the website had - wanker of the week, history of wanker of the week with running commentary, guestbook, page making fun of the teachers, pictures of teachers, porn pages, jokes pages, cheats page and a page of "the white home-boy" raps done by a guy in my class that were only included because they were so shit. One rap in particular which will be mentioned again later was him talking about killing the teachers with an AK rifle. I even had two people listed as "photographers" for the website.

I knew things had gone too far when I walked into my graphics design class late and saw every computer screen on my website. Some of the younger school kids who had started to get involved had apparently been telling the "sound" teachers about the site and it was only a matter of time before I was caught. Vigilant of how fast things were progressing I decided one morning enough was enough and I would delete everything once I got home. Fate is a cruel beast and that was never to be. During the graphics design class one lad complained his internet had stopped working, he called the teacher over who explained that people caught on the website were having their internet cut off and would have to meet with an assistant head to get it restored. Fucksocks!

Break came at 11am and my website team and myself gathered to discuss what was happening. I decided if nothing was heard by lunch I would skive the rest of the day. The period before lunch was Physics and there I sat quivering over what was to happen. Five minutes were left to go and the "white home-boy" turned to me and proclaimed "we're free!". At that moment however I heard the distant sound of a door creaking open in the corridor. The air grew thick and I was only conscious of the slow sounds of footsteps reverberating in my head.. one by one they came and seemed to go on forever. Suddenly they stopped along with my heart as it was replaced by knocking. The door slide open and there was the assistant head!

"Brydie?"
I raised my hand, my mouth didn't want to work - I had never had a punishment exercise or detention never mind the trouble I was to find myself in.
"Come with me!"
I got up and was edging round the desk when I heard the words that struck home how serious the situation was...
"AND BRING YOUR STUFF!"

I proceeded behind him through the corridors towards the office, him every now and then turning round to say "this way" or "come along". Entering his office I was informed to sit down and he assumed his place behind the desk.
"You know why you are here"
"emm, no" I squeaked, I was praying it was something else, please god you miserable bastard please!
He sighed and turned his computer monitor round to show me the website. There staring back at me was a picture of a teacher being sodomised by another, I had to face facts - I was as fucked as he was.

"We know it is yours it is registered in your name" A lie! It was in my mum's name and I have a brother at the same school as well as a common surname so it could of been plenty of people. I had a list of team members on the site but they were all handles, no-ones real names were anywhere to be found. It transpired he had all the names of those involved. How? I'm guessing it was the lad caught on the website though he denies it to this day. I don't blame him, I would of done the same as apparently he was told if he didn't grass he wouldn't be allowed to use the school computers thus by default failing two of his subjects. I myself am as guilty as him as I sat there defeated confirming the names of those the assistant head read out one by one.

Eventually after my initial grilling I was moved to the waiting room where two of the team members were also. We were told to sit in silence and we stayed there for ages before again my name was called. I went for the assistant head's office but was shouted at and directed to the head's. Inside they both sat and I made to opposite them. His face burned red.
"What possessed you!" He screamed as he turned the monitor to show the picture of him in a bunny suit. The surrealism of it was unreal , I felt as if I could pass out at any moment. Nothing was said for a few seconds, me visually shaking and him gritting his teeth in pure anger.
Finally - "I was going to take it down" I protested
"Well its too late for that, your grandmother is on her way to collect you. You are to be suspended pending the police's advice it may become an expulsion. Furthermore, some of the teachers may wish to press charges so you'll be kept informed."

I saw my future slip away from me. I was raised to expect to go onto university and now I was being told I could be expelled and given a criminal record. If I was kicked out there was no chance another school would take me if they heard why I had to leave this one! These thoughts and more bounded round my mind as I trailed home with my grandmother - the whole 20 minutes it took to walk home in complete silence.

Believing the game was up I whenever no one was paying attention packed a rucksack which I hid inbetween times in my cupboard. I was later to run out armed with it and two bottles of spirits... that though is another story ;-).

In the end eight people were suspended with at least 11 people having been called in to be interrogated. One tried pointing out that the welcome page had a message proclaiming "if you are a teacher or member of staff at any high-school you agree by clicking to enter to give me £10,000,000,000,000.01" as his defence which apparently didn't go down well. The White-home boy was made to sit while the headmaster read over his raps asking him what caused him to be so perverted and that charges may be brought against him as well. His defence of having spelt the teachers name wrong meaning it actually referred to fictional people worked and instead of being suspended he was sent a letter home informing his parents it may be worthwhile if he was to receive therapy.

After I was caught and dragged back home the police wanted to talk to me, not as a criminal but because I had been a missing person for two days. They informed me that they had seen the website and actually found it quite amusing and that in no way was it going to be viewed seriously. "Its like when I was a lad you'd write things on the toilet wall and cut the teachers heads out and glue them onto others". The school reluctantly let me back and I completed my education with a cloud ever loaming above my head... and that my friends was my unofficial school project.

Apologies for length and lack of funnies - its my first time after all!

P.S. the last comment in the guest book before the site was removed? "Tut tut you naughty fourth years - good site though :-D"

EDIT: I can't believe I forgot to include the part about prize giving! I think the website and being suspended happened around March-April time and then June of that year was prize giving. As I said I had normally got good report cards etc and this year I was to be given both the computing and accountancy & finance prizes. What happens is you are given book vouchers in advance to buy a book, hand it in and then get given it back by the headteacher infront of everyone's parents. I'd love to say I bought a book entitled "Advanced Web Design" but sadly I did not; instead I got "C++ an introduction". I swear I still saw the headteacher take a double glance at it though before having to shake my hand and give it to me.
(Thu 13th Aug 2009, 18:15, More)

» School Projects

How a school project made me disillusioned with politics
Well school election but since I don't know when I'll get another chance I'm posting it here.

The year was 1997 and even amongst those of us in primary 6 talk was of the big election. Being young and naive in 90s Scotland all we really knew was we wanted the SNP to give the others a bloody nose. Even our teacher was caught up in election fever and decided the best way to motivate our little minds into how elections worked was to hold our own for class president!

We were informed by tomorrow candidates were to be nominated and we broke off for lunch. I admit I was already questioning if I should seek such ultimate power at a young age though I knew two of the so-called popular kids were going to stand and thought against it. At that moment however a lassie from my class, lets call her Chelsea, come over and informed me she was going to nominate me since she had been impressed with my rant on independence the day before. My mate, Neilly, standing beside agreed and so it was I 'reluctantly' accepted and set about campaigning.

Chelsea was probably my greatest political asset - while I wasn't unpopular I certainly was no match for the other two. Furthermore one of them was a popular good-looking female who was sure to win over not only the female voters but some of the men. Chelsea though was equally liked by the non-popular males and females. I realised that was the weakest part of the other two candidates - they were the so-called "popular kids" and would unlike realise that the majority of the class were made up of those they deemed "rejects". So it was I made Chelsea my campaign leader - she was the Palin to my McCain. I sent her off to begin building support. Neilly's eyes lit up with anticipation he wanted to be given a title on my campaign to. I thus made him PR leader and set him off into the playground to find out what the other kids wanted.

Left alone to ponder my strategy I spied young Brian prowling for pray, his hand you see was a face hugger. Normally me and my mate would annoy Brian and his friends in order to get them to chase us, my mind though realised more capital was now to be gained through gaining his support. The other two candidates would definitely not canvass him and his friends. I called Brian over and grudgingly pretended to be stuck to the wall while he face-huggered me. In later years it was to be discovered Brian is gay and into bondage and I can't help but wonder if I was agreeing to take part in some early form of homoerotic experience for him purely with the hidden agenda of gaining his support for my campaign... such is politics I suppose. He hissed as he brought his hand towards my face, spit from his mouth spraying me. Being informed he had now "impregnated" me, we moved conversation towards my campaign and I got his support only through mentioning who the other candidates were likely to be.

So came nomination day and as expected it was me, popular guy and popular girl. Neilly had handed me a list of the voters demands and so it was I started my official election campaign on the joint policies of Scottish Independence and shafting the residential homes at the seafront to make way for a rollercoaster park. Popular guy had no policies apart from his ego and the popular girl claimed she could get her nextdoor neighbour, a famous footballer, to help us with our PE. Fortunately this would work to my advantage as she was only poaching support from the popular guy with her policy.

Thus came election day: Chelsea was still working her way amongst the masses and Neilly was to make lists of those whose support I had won over. Out of the class of 30 I had 14 people as definite supporters I could taste sweet victory! Balloting over and the teacher informed us that 7(!) votes were discarded because they had put ticks instead of crosses. Before the voting started we were repeatedly told only Xs would be counted and not ticks. I scanned the room and saw Brian and co lower their heads in shame - the bastards!

The results were read out: me - 11, popular guy - 2, popular girl - 17! An apparent landslide. If you do the maths however to include the 7 discarded votes that makes 37 with a class of 30! Something smelt fishy and after class I ran round my supporters to ask what happened - roughly 5 admitted they had put ticks but the rest had put crosses, the election had been fixed by adding all the discounted votes onto the popular girls! Why? That was to be discovered the following months when the teacher repeatedly asked our new el presidente when she would get the footballer in, her election promise though never materialised.

And that was how at the age of 10 I knew what Stalin meant when he said "The people who cast the votes decide nothing. The people who count the votes decide everything" and was disillusioned with parliamentary politics thanks to a school project / election.
(Fri 14th Aug 2009, 13:21, More)

» School Projects

How I defeated the Nazis
Second year history and we have the end of year project to do to prove if we are capable of carrying onto standard grade. The topic was the same as every year - you had to imagine yourself as a leader of the Nazi armies and Blitzkrieg a town. A map and troop detailing were provided, the rest was up to yourself. I ignored my geography project, a post on which to follow, and opted to focus all my energy on making Hitler proud!

It bewilders me that they gave such a topic to kids as I scarily got into the mood of pillaging this town. Troop details were provided but weapons had not so I divided my troops into three - flamethrower, riflemen and snipers. A division of the Luftwaffe's finest were to dive bomb the enemy trenchs creating a distraction for my mobile infantry flanking round the side of the town. I even outlined how spies were to infiltrate the town a week before the invasion to serve as my fourth column, cutting off the town's electricity and phone lines when they heard the start of the bombing.

After the bombing tanks rolled on in ignoring the trenches who were left for my division of flamethrowers - no quarter given! Tanks were to aim at any non-essential buildings to trap any awaiting troops inside. The mobile infantry and the rest of my troops coming in from the side to move quickly and secure the town. The trenches clear snipers took position at the river bed to snipe off any fleeing to the hard to reach port on the other side. I went into such detail I even outlined the buildings to be spared as Nazi headquarters and a prison for any unfortunate saviours to be interrogated (and shot) in.

If I outlined such a devious Nazi invasion plan how did I defeat them you may ask? That came in the form of my Uncle an addict for all things WWII. My cousin was in the same class as me and to say the least wasn't interested in formulating plans of mass murder so my uncle stepped into help. Surveying the documents he quickly realised they were the details of an actual battle and went about studying his library of information. So it was that my month of genocidal warmongering was pitted against the actual battle plans and events from history that the Nazi's used!

The fateful day for receiving marks arrived and upon my sheet it read A++. A++! Such a mystical mark had been whispered as existing by the geekery of the school but no one had even been able to produce one... until now! My uncles, ahem, I mean my cousin's? B-! The reason why? "While it goes into a lot of depth regarding tactics it flounders upon being too fast compared to what would be realistically possible". So it was my teacher exposed her ignorance of actual history and claimed the real battle plans which worked weren't "realistically possible" and I got a better mark than my uncle.

Instead of viewing this as the result of an incompetent history teacher I regard it as my intellectual victory over not only my uncle but the Nazis themselves!
(Thu 13th Aug 2009, 19:52, More)

» Famous people I hate

Frodo Baggins
I hate Frodo Baggins - the curly haired tosser. The bastard haunted me for years - everywhere I went he went. Problem was I could never see the fucker but everyone else could. Walking down any street and I'd hear people call out for him. "Frodo! Frodo!" they would call before adding "where's the ring?!" and chuckling to themselves. Pubs, trains, mountain tops... nowhere was safe from my invisible stalker. At times he would give up on following me but reappear as the next part of the series was at the cinema or released on DVD as if wondering why I had not bothered to go see it. It reached its peak when I was on holiday in Amsterdam. Walking through the red-light district, already having my sexuality questioned for refusing to go with a prostitute, before I heard the cry begin in a thick Dutch accent "It's Frodo!!! Frooooooodooo!!!!!!! Where's the ring?!!". I turned round in time to see people lifting their hands up to point as if the cry of "thief!" had started in the market, then the laughing started. In the middle of the red-light district was all form of scum pointing and laughing at ME shouting "Frodo!". I look nothing like the cunt - I hate him!
(Thu 4th Feb 2010, 12:37, More)

» School Projects

Cheating at Volcano's
As I mentioned in my other post I decided to play mini-dictator than give my geography project the attention it deserved. I wasn't going to take geography next year anyway! I had enough of learning about sheep farming and the highland clearances, I craved more death and destruction that only history can provide. Time slipped on by and while Hitler cried over my wonderful battle plans my project on volcanos had been gathering dust, if I had even started on it that is. No problem thought I and I cheated for the first and only time in my life. The school used the same projects every year and my brother was a year older than me. Great I thinks, I can get his project off the computer, swap the sections about and slap on a better front-cover to boot.

I handed it in a little nervous over what I had done. Each time the teacher mentioned my name during the next few days I thought my time was up though it never came to be. Instead I got a C... a fucking C! My brother got a B for the exact same project from the exact same teacher. Unless there was some miraculous breakthrough in volcanic science in the last year which I had omitted this project should of been a B. And so I had to face my brother make fun of me for "beating" me at the project as sadly if I had told him the truth that he had only beat himself my grandmother would of been the one doing the beating. It only goes to show that teachers either have too much work to handle or at the end of the day just don't care that much over what mark they give. I remain puzzled over which one it is.
(Thu 13th Aug 2009, 20:05, More)