» Social Networking Gaffes

The curse of Friends Reunited
I joined Friends Reunited way back when... at a time when it cost £7 for 12 months of access to email addresses. At that same time, I was also married to a man I can only describe as an idiot - an alcoholic, violent, evil waste of space who also happened to be my boss at work.

Wandering through the profiles in Friends Reunited I spotted the profile of my first love... it turned out that we were both now living in the same town, far, far away from our hometown. Temptation set in, I paid the £7 and emailed him...

Within two weeks, the following happened:

We met.
We had sex. Frequently.
I was happy.
I quit my job.
I left my husband.
I found out that my ex had another love in his life: drugs.

I made my excuses and walked away with nothing.
(Sun 14th Sep 2008, 10:01, More)

» Food sabotage

Food poisoning
I was once so pissed off with a flatmate that I took all her food out of the freezer, thoroughly microwaved each individual item, then put it all back into the freezer again.

I moved out the week after that, so never found out if she got food poisoning or not.
(Thu 18th Sep 2008, 16:22, More)

» Cars

When I go driving, I stay in my lane...
I was taught to drive by my (thankfully now-ex) husband, who had so many points and offences on his licence that he was facing jail if he was caught speeding/drink-driving again.

My car was a Corsa SRi. I loved it. I drove it everywhere. I made a point of ensuring everyone could hear the music I was playing (anything from Rage Against the Machine, to Flaming Lips, Metallica, Offspring etc...). I was probably a nightmare to anyone else on the road as I attempted to thrash the life out of that little car (as I say, my ex-husband did the teaching, and I learnt his driving style!)

6 weeks after buying my Corsa, I was driving home to Derby from Nottingham. This was my daily commute of 17 miles each way, and I found a little fast driving to be the perfect way to unwind after a day in the office. On this particular day, I was listening to Bad Habit by The Offspring while queuing in slow moving traffic to get onto the A52. And this is the story of how I managed to write off a 6 week old car, at 10 miles an hour. Sing along with me, if you will....

WHEN I GO DRIVING I STAY IN MY LANE!
BUT GETTING CUT OFF, IT MAKES ME INSANE! (as if on cue, a taxi driver in a Skoda cuts in front of me, causing me to brake sharply)
OPEN THE GLOVE BOX... etc etc.. Just as I'm singing (shouting?) along, and directing the words at the Skoda driver, the guy behind drives straight into the back of my car and shunts me into the Skoda. My poor Corsa was crushed to half it's size, and despite being devastated about my car being ruined, I couldn't help but be a little bit chuffed about the soundtrack it happened to.

Looking back, I'm more surprised it took me a whole 6 weeks to write it off, considering the way I drove it!
(Tue 27th Apr 2010, 17:45, More)

» Will you go out with me?

Gay nightclubs and the perfect gentleman...
Our eyes met across the dance floor of a gay nightclub. I was on a night out with some friends, and he was... well... I'm not entirely sure what he was doing in there, but anyway.... After a few hours of being the only straight couple in the club I played my best line and we left the club together, hand in hand.

Outside, he flagged down a taxi.
I got in.
He closed the door behind me and waved me off into the sunset....
I went home alone, confused, sexually frustrated, and wondering what just happened!

A few days later, I agree to meet him for a drink in a bar in town.
I arrive.
We drink, talk, kiss, but still he can't be persuaded to come home with me.
I go home alone once again, still confused, sexually frustrated and starting to think there might be something wrong with me. Or him...

We repeat the above a few more times, until some weeks later, he comes to my house to cook me lunch and to prove that there is life outside of vegetarianism (he's French - they don't understand the concept of not eating meat!)
He cooks (salmon, and it was delicious - his plan worked perfectly!)
We talk, eat, kiss, and all is going well. I'm confident that this is the day that I'll get what I've been waiting for all this time.

That is, until my housemate walks into the room....

There is a look of horror on both of their faces.
She makes her excuses and goes to her room.
He makes his excuses and leaves the house pretty sharpish.

A few enquiries later, and I find out that my new acquaintance works for my housemates mum. Ok, so maybe that time it was just too close for comfort... but still, I'm alone once again with those familiar feelings of sexual frustration. Argh!!!

We did eventually manage to get it together after a few more weeks of sexual frustrations, and four years later, we're still together and very happy.

I later found out that he was actually just playing the part of a gentleman on each of the dates which I had considered to be 'non-starters'. Being an English girl, I'd clearly forgotten that existed and had just assumed that he didn't want to sleep with me....!!
(Tue 2nd Sep 2008, 22:11, More)

» Addicted

Perfect alignment
I'm a bit OCD about things sometimes, and seriously can't concentrate or focus on the task in hand if things in my surrounding area aren't straight.

Whether it's a keyboard that needs to be lined up to the edge of the desk (and the mouse has to be lined up next to the keyboard too) or a pile of paperwork in my in-tray, it all has to be straightened up before I can do anything.

I've been known to interfere with the alignment of placemats on dining tables, making sure they line up precisely with the edge of the table (even when friends or family are eating) just because I can't enjoy my meal otherwise!

I even have moments when I insist that my boyfriend waits for me to straighten the sheets/pillows/quilt on the bed before he can have his wicked way with me... in the very same bed that I've just straightened out.

So there you go - I'm addicted to making things align perfectly with their surroundings. My family think I'm insane, and I'm starting to wonder!!
(Thu 18th Dec 2008, 20:19, More)