b3ta.com user Bam Bam McPenis
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» My sex misconceptions

Monty Python had it right.
"What about a kiss boy? You don't have to go steaming into the clitoris like a bull in a china shop."

One of my pet peeves is the poor state of sex education in this country...

Seriously what the fuck?

How often in life will mr/ms average be required to analyse the relationship between Juliette and her maid in Romeo and Juliette?

How many times is the average person going to need to know what the square root of 59 is?

How useful is it to the average person to know the rates at which hydrochloric acid dissolves magnesium strips, when the acid is diluted to varying degrees with water?

How often will Joe Bloggs have to explain the formations of ox-bow lakes?

How many times is the average person going to have sex?

I rest my case your honours.

Its no wonder most chavs have produced 10 retarded, illegitimate, fucksporne before they hit 14.

*In a bad mood now*
(Thu 25th Sep 2008, 19:01, More)

» Common

I think there has been some sort of mix-up
Due to some server issues on Fleet Street, a load of internet traffic has been accidentally routed through to B3TA over the last few days. People who think they are one the wrong site, should re-direct themselves immediately to the correct forums here.

(Sun 19th Oct 2008, 20:22, More)

» Things we do to fit in

Porn tomfoolery
Most people on here have multiple personas we use to fit in. Home, work, friends and online we are different in each environment. I am no different.

One of my online personas is that of a young lady. A rather dirty young lady who quite frankly loves the attention she gets from a multitude of men. She is a nice girl really, but loves to play the slut to fit in.

Allow me to explain.

I am currently in a fairly long distance relationship. We only see each other a couple of times a month and as such I often get a little *ahem* tense. Therefore I often frequent gentleman's interest websites and enjoy their content.

I'm not particularly proud of this, its a little sad, but having said that I am not really ashamed either. It beats going out killing hookers or touching kids for ones jollys.


As anyone who has ever trawled through free porn sites knows, you can often find yourself going through page after page of crap on these sites looking for something to your taste (eg not an obese granny being fisted). So when you find a film you like, its nice to be able to keep it for reference.

This is how 'Tammy' was born. You see many of these sites have 'favourite' buttons, but to use these you need a profile.

So I set one up, silly user name, no info in the profile etc. and started adding films. Despite the fact that I had no information about 'me' and the fact that my name user-name suggested I was male, I started getting friend requests, mostly from quite frankly disgusting men.

At first I just ignored them, but then one day out of boredom I accepted a few and started to look through the profiles. I found that about 20-30% of the active profiles were women and of course the seedy men were drawn to them like flies on shit.

Most of these women just had a profile pic (non-porny) and some basic info yet still had armies of men writing such delectable love poetry as.

"OMGZ ur luek well fit I wanna fuck you yeah. msn me at [email protected]"

These however we just the teasers. The real alpha females were the ones who put grot pics and films on their profiles. These are the queen bees of the site and had men fawning. I found it all quite amusing and wondered if I too could be that popular.

So I added a profile pic. A rather 'revealing' private image it could be called, equally it could be called pure satanic filth. Sure enough requests came flooding in. I was a popular girl, just because my profile picture was of an anonymous chuff!

The more info and pics I added the more men flocked to me. Tammy became fully rounded individual, she likes sport, travel and big cocks. She is single, works a boring office job in LA, would like to go traveling and wants to try a threesome with two black guys. The dirty old men lap it up.

I never respond to any of these chaps who serenade me with beautiful words like.

"I wanna screw ur tight a$$"

I'd have no idea what to say. None of this matters though because I am still popular. I'm a queen bee and all I had to do...

Change gender and whore myself out.
(Sat 17th Jan 2009, 13:44, More)

» Lies that got out of control

I've got an interview with the RAF next week
So when they ask me why I want to join, rather than the truthful answer of...

"I have recently lost my job and although I have been looking frantically for a new one for the last 3 months, I have only mustered one interview and a couple of weeks temping in a factory. So as you can imagine, I am in major fucking need of a job. Even though I have no desire to go all over the world and be a part of the killing of thousands of civilians and the general fucking up of the planet on the basis of George W Bush's lies and Tony Blair's gutlessness, I am applying for a career in the forces because I am getting absolutely desperate. I have had to move in with my girlfriends parents, most of my stuff is in storage and I dont even qualify for job seekers allowance, so if I need anything I have to beg money from family or my partner. Therefore putting aside the moral issues, the fact that I can and will be shipped all over the world away from my loved ones and the fact that I really dont want to be a part (however small, safe and in the background a part it may be) of an international criminal war machine, I am resigned to 6 years in the RAF in the hope of turning my life around. Also because there is a few months between interview and putting my name on the dotted line I can still hope and pray that something else will turn up before I sign my life away."

I will probably just say something along the lines of...

"I like planes."
(Sat 14th Aug 2010, 13:41, More)

» Housemates

I used to live with a guy named Karl. He was a nice enough chap, he just lacked any kind of social skills or common sense.

Among his various annoying habits and mannerisms was he penchant for walking into bedrooms without knocking. In a house of 4 single men, this was asking for trouble.

One day as was my want, I was polishing the one-eyed gopher. I was having a wale of a time when I heard the stompy-stomp of Karl's size 10s coming up the stairs. I knew it was Karl as he had the habit of rushing everywhere so his footsteps were instantly recognisable.

I wondered if he was coming to see me, I wondered if he would knock, however the only conclusion I reached in these few seconds was that he was a dick and if he walked in on me wanking, its his issue not mine. He should bloody learn to knock.

Sure enough, my door swings open and Karl barges in. (My desk was opposite the door so my back was to him)

"Hello Bam Bam" He said in a voice that went a significant way to softening my swollen member.

"Karl, I am having a wank" I announced pausing dead still mid stroke, surprisingly free of embarrassment. Instead I was just annoyed that I had be stopped on the vinegar strokes by an inconsiderate shit-stain.

"Ha, yeah sure he said" Still looking at my back as he strolled into my room and sat at my bed which ran along side the desk.

I turned and looked at him with a glare. His blank, retarded, expressionless face turned to horror, as he looked down to my lap to see my hand gripping my fast fading, glistening tipped stiffy.

"Oh, shit, erm... Sorry" He said stumbling out of my room as fast as his legs would move, leaving me flaccid and unfulfilled.

At least he learned to fucking knock from then on.
(Sun 1st Mar 2009, 0:00, More)
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