b3ta.com user Mrs.Fonebone
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» Anonymous

Patience is a virtue...
Long, long ago in a small, private "Christian" college, my non-Christian friend--indeed he was so non-C as to be Jewish--had a roomie who was a pompous, self-righteous, judgmental and no doubt deeply repressed obnoxity. He was saving himself for marriage with his oh so pure ladylove, and considered himself a martyr for tolerating his Jewish burden. Well, Mr. Purity was away one weekend and we were contemplating a lovely pic of his mum and dad on his dresser. The frame was clearly expensive and precious to him. So of course we drove to the corner 7-11 and purchased the worst porno mag of the day--Hustler--and selected the grossest picture, cut it out, carefully took apart the frame and placed the porn neatly between the photo and the backing. And we left it there, knowing that in ten years, twenty years, even when he was dead and his grandchildren were rifling through his effects--surely some day the picture would fall off the mantle or his wife would want to put a new photo in to surprise him--the porn would surely come to light, sooner or later, and Mr. Purity would have some 'splaining to do--or his sainted memory would be sullied as his progeny spoke in hushed, shocked voices about "the incident." We knew sooner or later he would get his comeuppance; that was enough for us. My friend was so perverse as to hope that Mr. Purity himself found it and had to live with the horror of knowing he had for years kissed a grotesque whore cootchie goodnight and slept peacefully with abomination right there by his head--evil thought, evil world!--or maybe he would even start wondering whether there was more to Mum and Dad than he ever suspected. He deserved worse, really.
(Sat 16th Jan 2010, 2:28, More)

» The nicest thing someone's ever done for me

Neighbor by the lake
When I was 7 my wretched father was skipping out on the house we rented--we'd been there a couple of years but he drank and didn't like to work, so we had to scarper.
Flash back to the previous summer. I had received a handsome silver half-dollar for my birthday, which I somehow lost--possibly across the street, in my neighbor's lovely lawn. I had spent many an afternoon looking for it.
Now, 7 months later, as we were pulling away from the old place, the kind gent ran up and said, "Look, I just found your half-dollar!" I believed him and thought that for once, I got a break of almost cosmic proportions.
Years later I realized what he had actually done and knew I had gotten a break of actual cosmic proportions--this fellow who did such a thoughtful thing for a wee wretched child with lousy parents. I can't remember his name, the house by the lake is gone, I hear, due to erosion and fancy marina installation. But I know that when I was little and adrift there were people keeping an eye on me; and I realized my extended family--grannies and aunts and uncles--had been doing the same. I only got to thank a few, the rest have since died.
Thank you, mister. You were the high point of a wretched year--from the child you knew you would never see again but did such a nice thing for--I turned out pretty well, by the bye.
(Sat 4th Oct 2008, 17:01, More)

» Self-Inflicted injuries

Electric Typewriter (Look it up, kids) Fingertip Remover
Typing last term paper, put the last sheet into the carriage--didn't look quite straight. Reach up with right hand, touch paper; left hand by habit already hit "return"--ZING--bing! Knew it was bad, but couldn't make myself pull my hand out from under my arm where I'd instinctively hidden it. WTF, reflex? Worst part: still had to finish a semester-long handwritten journal project. Only I'd never started it. Agonizing night clutching different pens with only 3 fingers and trying to slightly alter handwriting for realism. In the end, it was all the cuneiform scratches, with blood spots here and there. Might have fooled the prof except I had to turn in the notebook while sporting a huge bandage on my finger. What was left healed. More or less.
(Thu 5th Dec 2013, 4:03, More)

» First rude thing I ever saw

Rude AND Unfunny...and disturbing...
Me, just about to turn 5. Slightly older neighbor girl,plump, ringlets and bangs/fringe as happened in the early 60s, and always laughing and smiling. I had no idea why we were told to stay away from her, but most kids did. So one day I met her on the sidewalk and she couldn't wait to show me her latest: pointing at the relevant parts of herself, she recited, "Milk, milk, lemonade. Around the corner, hotdogs made."
It was strange, depressing, and left me wondering where in the hell a kid would learn that and how she could find that funny. I suppose child protective services would be called today but I at last understood why kids avoided her. Often wonder how she turned out.
(Mon 15th Aug 2011, 23:37, More)

» Conversation Killers

Hunchback Jack
My hard drinking but witty uncle used to drop in unexpectedlyand always with an entourage--once with an actual chimp. This time, he had 5 "friends," one of whom was a hunchback. A loud and laughy party goes on while my cousin and I were off in my room trying to go to sleep. But then Jack kept sidling in through the doorway. We yelled, one of the drunk adults would rush down the hall to remove him. The 4th time, Father Fonebone collared him at the door, spun him around and yelled, "I warned you! I'll throw you out if you come down here again." Drunken, grinning Jack said nothing. The other revelers had appeared to see what was going on. Exasperated, Father said, "Goddamit, you better behave. You hear me? Now straighten up!" Everyone froze. Yes, he had sincerely ordered a hunchback man to straighten up. Worse still, Jack promised that he would.
(Sat 14th May 2011, 17:53, More)
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