» Flirting

Not flirting, but merely a drunken rant
They say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit. Bullshit. Facebook raping is. The act of acquiring access to someone else's Facebook account and to write false statements about said person, be it through getting their password or more commonly through their laptop being unattended, or even worse leaving it logged on on a public computer. It is pointless, benign, derivative and, most importantly O VERDONE and tedious. The childish giggling that commences when so and so writes “Joe Bloggs like its up the bum” compels me to grab a screwdriver and repeatedly jam it into my ear over and over until I reach some gray matter that interferes with my speech and I start involuntarily yelling, 'MUSHY PEAS, MUSHY PEAS' until some poor sod feels sorry for me and smothers me with a pillow. For which I would be grateful because I wouldn't have to see that drivel any more.

It may well be a funny inside joke within a group of friends, and that's all very well, except it's on Facebook and my status feed is inundated with these pointless, tiring and shitty attempts at funny. People of the highest order of douchebaggery getting patted on the back by their peers after posting ' has got anal prolapse, what do I do omg! While the herd of people 'in' on the 'joke' click 'like'. That's another thing – this liking what someone has to say. Its not as if we go about shouting LIKE after someone has said something in real life,

A: Yeah i'm thinking of getting a tattoo.

B: LIKE!

A: Oh yeah, what sort, I'm thinking of a swastika on my arm?

B: LIKE!

A: Seriously?

B: LIKE!

A: What the matter with you?

B: LIKE!

A: Get the fuck out of my face.

B: LIKE!


Fuck you. Yeah you, the wanker who likes every single one of their BFF'S status.

“Mel cant wait to see my boyfriend John Giveafuck!”
clingy BFF likes this.
awwww you guys are so perfekt for each other! Love ya xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

“Mel can't believe I've been stood up like that”
clingy BFF likes this..
what's wrong babe?

“Mel fuck guys they always break you heart and never listen”
clingy BGG likes this
yeah fuck him, he's a dickhead, I've never liked him! Call me babe.

Anyway, I digress. The jolly muppey that is known as the 'prankster' who writes these TEEEHEEHEEHEEEEHHHAHAHAHAHAOMGROFL Facebook rape statuses will probably get the fistbumping of his/hers mates showering him or her with praise, “MATE, WHAT ARE YOU LIKE”, “YOU'RE SUCH A JOKER”, “L-E-G-E-N-D”. “LAAAADDD”

Now, I'm no psychologist, but remember in primary school when you fancied a girl and to show that you liked her, you avoided her, and if ever she came up to you, you'd be dickhead and destroy her daisy chain, or threw grass on her, or punched her? The equivalent of this is to facebook rape her account, only for her to find out it was you. An example conversation,

Girl: “why would you write that on my Facebook, you're such a knob, cant believe you did that *teary eyes* ”


Guy's inner monologue “she's upset, and vulnerable, OMG I HAVE TO TELL HER I LOVED HER. EVER SINCE SHE PASSED OUT THAT ONE NIGHT AT THE PARTY AND RESTED HER HEAD ON MY SHOULDER THAT'S WHEN I KNEW SHE WAS THE ONE I WOULD SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH. BE MINE! OH BE MINE!”

Guy: “ha, you got punked”

Girl: “but you changed my job to a prostitute! Is that what you think of me?”

Guy: “what I think is, you should go into the kitchen and make me a sandwich – (AAAAAAAAA LAD OMFG IM SUCH LADDDDD, AAAAAAAAH LADS ON TOUR!)

Girl: “crying, I cant believe this! And to think I fancied you! * runs away*”

And then you're just sitting on your own, having a wank and crying. Crying yourself to sleep. But using the tears as lubricant while you're tugging on your pathetic wilted member.

EDITORS NOTE: Ok, T'm pretty sure the first paragraph had a valid point, then I kinda went off on a tangent, but I'm pretty fucked. Spellcheck has saved me from incoherentness.
(Sun 21st Feb 2010, 1:19, More)

» Social Networking Gaffes

I used to try and pick up girls on Myspace...
[My first post as a b3tan - Please be tender!]

...That almost never worked. When I first signed up I forgot to specify my sexual orientation, so the first person to send me a message was a guy. A 22-year old guy from nottingham who had no photos (I'm not gay but it would have been nice to know what type of guy I would attract!) Being 16 at the time though, I politely declined (something like 'fuck off i'm not gay you prick').

My attempts at getting girls would often start with 'hey, i cu liek [generic emo shite]! dey r awsom! u seem lyk a kewl chik lol! xx' It stupid, i'd spend ages deciding how many x's i would leave - too many and it's obvious, not enough and you're in the friend zone or, more often than not, they just ignore you cos they think you're a fucking weirdo stalker.

However, there was this one girl who replied back! She was this georgous girl who was absolutely lovely. We'd chat on myspace for ages with our non-sensical rants and ravings. She found me funny! I couldn't believe it, there was this amazing girl that was actually into me.

This carried on for a few months, until I plucked up the courage to, wait for it, ASK FOR HER MSN. For me, this was huge. I would be able to converse with the girl in real time! I was terrified, what if I don't know what to say to her? Will she still like me? I started my conversation with the great greeting 'hey', to which she replied 'I made biscuits today! Wanna see a pic?' At first I thought this was one of those viruses plaguing MSN in which if you accepted a file transfer your computer would be fucked, but no, there was the biscuit, frosting and all. I knew then that was an awesome girl!

Unlike many other people on my MSN, we actually kept in touch, she broke up with her boyfriend and I was there for her comforting her, making her laugh and being a nice 'friend'. There came a point where we became so comfortable chatting to each other that she suggested that we should meet up (we live 5 train stations from each other). This was too much for me, It's easy enough chatting to someone, you can time when you want to speak to them, but I assumed that if you with someone face to face, that it's probably not acceptable to have long pauses of silence while thinking of something quirky/funny to say! I was in Year 12, and it was getting close to exams when we finally decided to meet up. I went to see her.

I remember it was the weekend of the London marathon and the train was full of people going to it. Throughout the whole journey I had butterflies in my stomach. What was she going to think of me?

We met up, she was lovely in person (albeit quite short, the myspace 'angles' deceived me!) and I was my usual geeky awkward self, but was sweet enough to ignore it and not make the whole thing weird. It was brief, but enjoyable. Suffice to say this was well outside of my comfort zone, but I'm glad I had to chance to meet up with her and not pussied out like I have done with many other things in my life.

3 years on, I have her on my facebook but it's purely decorational, we don't really speak to each other anymore as I'm at Manchester and she is in London.

Oh, and on trying to wordplay this QOTW, I'm afraid the best I can come up with it 'So Shall 'Nette Work In Gaffs?' Can anyone work that into a story?
(Fri 12th Sep 2008, 14:20, More)