b3ta.com user Billyfindus
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Yello! I've been visiting this place for about two years, Usually Monday to Friday, 9-5, and i thought it was about time i stopped lurking and shared some wisdom. Plus, i'd really like the oppurtunity to tell everyone what fantastical people they are....Maybe someday i'll dare.

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» Stuff I've found

I once found....
... A dead crab on the beach whilst on a caravan holiday in Great Yarmouth. He had one claw, had been dead quite some time and no doubt smelled like an old mans grot collection. I lovingly named him 'Mcguyver'.

I took him back to the caravan and kept him in an empty ice cream tub, which for some reason i filled to the brim with water. Occasionally i would whip him out and re-create the opening Mcguyver credits, culminating in the slow motion fall off a cliff, that i thought added a whole level of class to proceedings. I'm still not sure if i did all this to gross my brothers out and make them laugh or if i genuinely loved that little crab of mine.

After two weeks in the....'sun'... i somehow managed to smuggle him home and after a further three, a miracle occured! He came back to life and escaped his plastic tomb and headed for who knows where!? I was overwhelmed with happiness when my mum told me all about it!

Some of you may be waiting for some kind of punchline right about now..... All you're going to get is me feeling ashamed that all of the above is absolutely true (callin my mum a liar?).

The oddest thing was, the next year...on the beach........ I found a single crab claw!

And i took it home.
(Wed 12th Nov 2008, 16:33, More)

» Siblings

Oh to be young and foolish again!
I'm the youngest of three brothers, therefore the one to suffer in every situation. Due to our play fights (resulting in me taking a smack to the head or a kick in the stomach) 'the A team' and WWF wrestling was actually banned in our household until we could watch it without meeting in the middle of the lounge afterwards for a battle royale.... A battle i never won.

Aside from the ritualistic torture and verbal abuse i got from my brothers, i remember one occasion that i STILL haven`t forgiven them for..... (I refuse to do the 'wavy line' thing for it is the Noughties and it just makes me plain sad when people do)....

I was about 5 or 6, It was mid july, not long after my birthday which i celebrated in style, Jelly, cake, ice-cream, bitches and Speed. I sat in the front garden watching the blazing sun dip below the horizon, playing with my Lion-o (make of that what you will but it DID have a red end) listening to the themes from rainbow and button moon and other 80's things you'll find on 'best of' shows...and all was well with the world.

After tea and a bath, i was all tucked up in under my star wars blanket in my spiderman pygama's and ready to drift off when my Brother came in to the room. With a large smile and an evil glint in his eye, he prodded me awake promising great news.

"It's Christmas tomorrow" he told me. "Make sure you get to sleep as fast as you can so it'll come round quicker"

I nodded excitedly, closed my eyes and tried desperately to get to sleep, attempting to guess what i was going to get and quite how it had slipped my mind!? Christmas! Yaaaaaaayyy....SNooorrrrrre (Nb, This is a dramatic device. I didn`t snore as a child, neither do i snore now. I sleep like an angel and anyone who tells you different is a twat and should be burned for heresy)

I awoke at 3:30...Too excited to sleep anymore, knowing that HE had been as everyone knows he comes at midnight...right? I quietly got out of bed, crept out of my room and down the stairs. The suspense was killing me. Down the hall, through the door in to the lounge...but wait.... No christmas tree.... No decorations.......No presents!?!

A part of me died that warm summer night.

When my dad got up to tell me off for getting up in the night and wandering around the house (A double wammy of hurt), he found me sitting in the middle of the floor, Quietly weeping in to my Spidey Jim jams, vowing to never believe my brother again...ever!

I got the last laugh though, Come Christmas for real, i sawed of his face,rubbed thermite in to his open nostils and set fire to him.*

*may not be true, I just realised how long and serious this is. Thanks for your time, it's been very cathartic.
(Tue 30th Dec 2008, 12:48, More)

» Spoilt Brats

Not exactly a 'Brat' but....
There's a guy i know who basically lives the life that every working person wants. He's got a really famous dad and therefore, never has to work, which to be honest is enough to piss me off right there and then! As if that wasn`t enough, He spends all his time swanning about the place, Having 'Experiences' and meeting 'Strange and interesting' people and everyone seems to pretty much throw themselves at his Immaculate feet!

I've not heard from him in a while...Come to think of it, the last i heard, he was thinking of visiting jerusalem sometime around March or April and i haven`t heard anything since.... Wonder if he's Cross with me crucifying him all the time?
(Thu 9th Oct 2008, 15:16, More)

» The nicest thing someone's ever done for me

A little obvious, but it has to be said.
I've been working the same job now for two years and it's the most soul destroying thing i've ever done....not a great start i know... Anyway, I just thought i'd thank you all (Yes, each and every one of you) for keeping me entertained at work and for brightening almost every day with a well told yarn (or AWFUL pun) and a comedy picture (Cdc's?). I honestly don`t think i could get through the day without you all...and i mean that sincerely. Apologies for the immense ammount of soft fluffeh sentiment, This weeks love in is really getting to me.

Sorry for lurking for so long. I feel so dirty for it :(
(Wed 8th Oct 2008, 12:00, More)

» I'm your biggest Fan

A couple of years back....
.....I met Elvis!

He played an absolutely KILLER set, full of all his classics and some that he'd "Written himself (I still don`t understand why he told us this)", On the makeshift stage of a flat back Lorry behind a pub on the outskirts of chesterfield.

After the show, i bought his new Single/E.p 'Just a little bit', featuring his new material all sung lovingly to the backing of a bontempi organ and single finger accompanyment. I plucked up some courage and approached the great man for an autograph, who gave me a very strange look and with a shrug took the Cd and his handy marker pen out. The next thing he said has stuck with me to this day. He asked me who he should sign it from. I was confused!? Perhaps he was trying to keep a low profile...Somehow encourage the rumours of his untimely death. I don`t know.

I DO know however, that i'm probably the only person in the world who has a rare copy of 'Just a little bit' Signed.....

'To Billyfindus,

Lots of love



Ebay anyone?
(Thu 23rd Apr 2009, 9:30, More)
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