» Darwin Awards

Water and Electric
It's common sense that water and electric don't mix, which I why I panicked as a 7 year old running around my house having a water fight, when I fired a shitload of water all over one of the light switches.

Instead of just leaving it, I thought it might make my house set on fire, so I put my mouth over the light switch and tried sucking the water out.

Bad move, I shot back to the other side of the room and was curled up in a ball making ewok noises.

Doh.
(Fri 13th Feb 2009, 10:17, More)

» Darwin Awards

Imptatient
One day I was in the middle of Lancaster waiting to cross over a busy road, as I was half way over a big articulated lorry stopped right in front of me.

Me, being an impatient bastard at the best of times decided to cut through _underneath_ the lorry to get to the other side of the road. Unfortunately I'm 6ft 3 tall and being a lanky fucker I bashed my head underneath the lorry, fell over and nearly shit myself as it started moving with me underneath it.

I escaped unhurt but only by a foot or so, I still have nightmares thinking about how close I was to certain death.. Stupidest thing I've EVER done by far.
(Fri 13th Feb 2009, 10:14, More)

» The thing I've been most ashamed of doing with a penis

Sssssssssst
A few years ago when I'd just moved into my own place, I was loving the freedom of being able to walk around stark bollock naked for most of my waking hours. This meant I did everything with no clothes on, cooked, cleaned, ironed clothes.. (I think you can see where this is going).

One day I had to leave my shit-tip of a flat to go for a job interview, so out comes the shirt and pants, creased as fuck as they'd been folded up in a box for the past 3 months. Out comes the ironing board, and the iron- now I'm stood there ironing my shirt with my pecker dangling around all over the place, sneezed violently, iron in hand.. Mid-sneeze my knob ends up on the ironing board and i went straight over the poor little fucker with the iron. I still have the scar 5 years later.

=(
(Fri 13th Mar 2009, 10:56, More)

» School Days

Peashooting Extreme
Once upon a time in first year of high school, we used to terrorize the teachers with hollow pen tubes + little bits of chewed up paper. Everytime the teacher turned his/her back, we'd pull out our arsenal and go into a frenzy of barraging said teacher with little wet soggy bits of paper. It was hilarious, but me, being the one who always went/still goes that one step too far, decided to chew up a full sheet of A4 paper for around half an hour. After half an hour i had what can only be described as a warm soggy snowball, I waited for the teacher to turn her back, and launched it as hard as i could (aiming for either the back of her head or the whiteboard - although head would have been funnier). Mid flight, the teacher turned back round facing towards the class, and gets a face full of runny paper and spit, splattering all over the place. Only this time she knew who the culprit was because I fell off my chair howling with laughter.

Result? Suspended for 3 weeks.

Bonus.
(Wed 4th Feb 2009, 15:23, More)

» Addicted

addikt by name.. addikt by nature.
Throughout my life I've been addicted to one thing or another, but thinking about it from a different perspective I've actually always been addicted to insobriety in some form. Whether it be smoking dope, drinking myself stupid or taking allsorts of mind bending chemicals to get completely out of my face. The worst point was when I'd just got a £2000 credit card, drew the lot out and bought about 3 ounces of cocaine, which lasted me just under a week, and I'm _still_ paying the fucking thing off now after 3 years. I'm clean now though, with the aid of cognitive behavioural therapy. I just drink and smoke like there's no tomorrow. Fuck it.
(Fri 19th Dec 2008, 11:48, More)