» Food sex

Cock Yoghurt
My former work mate Deano was a right sexual deviant and he would tell everyone about his quests at the weekends. This time he came into work with a considerable limp.

What happened was he was with his lass and they were experimenting with food. Well she wanted to dip his cock in yoghurt and suck it off. But Deano didn't like it claiming the yoghurt which was fresh out of the fridge was too cold for him.

He had a brain wave. He put the yoghurt in the microwave to warm it up a bit. When he took it out he tested the top of the yoghurt with his finger and it was warm. So what does he do? Shoved his cock into the yoghurt pot.

Unfortenatly for Deano was that the middle of the yoghurt pot was a molten froth of dairy lava, not the warm surface he expected.

What did Deano get out of this, well a very quick lesson in microwave physics and a rather spectacular scalded bell end.
(Sun 9th Aug 2009, 23:09, More)

» Famous people I hate

Dunno if this counts
Appologies in advance if someone has already said this...

...but Josh and his fake band from the T Mobile adverts. I hate the pretentious little cunt with a passion. Josh if you're reading this go and take your T Mobile money and fuck off from my telly and don't even try and bother the nation with your overly happy shit music again. You absolute prick.

I also think David Cameron is a bit of a knob head.
(Thu 4th Feb 2010, 17:02, More)

» The most childish thing you've done as an adult

Cup of Doom!
My mother works for the Royal Mail and when she's not busy being on strike she usually goes to bed early for the early starts in the morning. Now on some days I decide to go to the pub with my mates before she's went to bed. But before I go out I sometimes like to rest a plastic cup of water on her bedroom door so it slighty leans against the door frame as the door is ajar.
Then I leave the house silently giggling to myself knowing my trap is laid and I will be at a safe distance when its sprung. Now when I return I expect my trap to have been sprung and as my mother will be bent on revenge, I expect her to reset the trap on my door for me.
Now I carefully take down the trap and reset it on the bathroom door then pretend I've been hit by the one set by my mother. Making enough of a noise to wake her. 9 out of ten times she gets up and goes to the toilet after I have woken her accidently.
So when she gets up to go to the toilet she gets it again and I piss myself laughing when she goes balistic. Its especially funny if she claims revenge prior to entering the bathroom :D


length?... about two feet until it hits
(Wed 23rd Sep 2009, 0:25, More)

» Lies that got out of control

Dedicated to exposing a lier
A lad that used to drink in my local pub for a while before he fucked off out of the county, would constantly bore us with lies about what he got up to in his year travelling the world.

Some fine examples are that he was Jacques Villeneuve's personal butler, how he was a professional kangaroo hunter and how he came into the possession of a skiing chateau in the Alps.

One of his less imaginative boasts was that when he was visiting Christchurch (New Zealand) for a week, that he got onto the 'wall of honour' in an Irish bar called The Bog for drinking 100 pints of Guinness.

A wall of honour is basically a massive board with lots of names on it with the date that you had drunk a certain amount of drinks in that pub. As I just stated he claimed he got on the wall after drinking 100 pints of Guinness.

That is doesn't sound an overly large number, but it does equate to roughly just under 14 and a half pints of Guinness everyday of the week that he was there. He's usually on his arse after 4 so I was very dubious of this claim.

So much so that when I just happened to be in Christchurch for a weekend while on a holiday to New Zealand, that I found the pub The Bog. I checked the board, his name wasn't there.

He still wouldn't admit to lying when I told him of my visit to the pub and the lack of his name, he even claimed that someone must of stolen the board with his name on as a trophy. Still ploughing on even when exposed. Lying Cunt.
(Tue 17th Aug 2010, 22:38, More)

» Buses

Honestly I didn't sleep in...
A few years back I used to catch the bus to work early in the morning. On this occasion it was about 6:30 on a very cold dark January morning when my bus comes as it usually does as fast as it possibly can around the corner.

So I do what I usually do and walk from the shelter and signal to the driver that I want picked up with a wave as I stand next to the bus stop sign when the bus is a good 100m away.

What usually happens is that the driver slows down and picks me up. What I didn't expect was the driver to wave back at me with a stupid smug look on his face as he plowed on right past me.

Now I had to wait an hour for the next bus to come, making me very late for work. To make things worse my boss thought I had really slept in and said it was shit excuse.

So that day I had to put up with two cunts before it was even 8am.
(Fri 26th Jun 2009, 15:23, More)