b3ta.com user Mr_Smythe
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» Cringe!

Stripped to the waist....
Back when I was an angst ridden teenager I suffered a bout abdominal pain that went on for a few months, I'd been sent round the houses to various GP's, Consultants and specialists who conducted various examinations and tests, with a pretty big history of bowel and prostrate cancer in the family they were being very thorough.

It was at about the age of 17 after seeing several doctors I was sent to a consultant for a final diagnosis. I'd been left sat in a waiting room for 45 minutes nervously flicking through year old copies of Womans Own mentally preparing myself for what was sure to come when I was called in.

Now I'd been to loads of doctors and had been bracing myself for this, all the doctors had done it, its probably medical legislation or something..... Tummy trouble + family history of cancer = Prostrate exam.

The guy was a stern looking RAF doctor who without glancing up from my file barked at me

"Right Mr_Yarrrrr, if you can strip to the waist for me please" he then turned to a sink and started washing his hands.

So... I took a deep breath and slipped off my pants.

As he turned round and our eyes met, he slowly looked me up and down and I could tell by the look on his face something was so very very wrong.
"I see... Actually I meant ABOVE the waist... but erm... I suppose we can check that too"

and its as im lying on the bed in the fetus position as he lubes up a finger and pops it in that I suddenly realise that not only have I utterly humiliated myself but ive embarassed the man to the point where the course of action that will allow us to both remain with the most dignity is for him... to finger me!

I have no idea what was said after that, only that I was driven by a huge desire to get the fuck out of that office as quickly as possible.

Though it still makes me cringe when I think of this at least I now know that if your asked to strip to the waist, the doctor ALWAYS means the top half.

(Tue 2nd Dec 2008, 16:41, More)

» Tramps

Fair few years back I was sitting in a bus station minding my own business waiting for the bus home (and unknowingly linking 2 QOTW's) when a gentleman of the homeless persuasion sat down next to me and started chatting to me, I'm not the most social person but I didn't want to be rude so we spent about 15 minutes chatting about the weather and such while he sat there slugging away and a bottle of cheap cider.
the conversation lulled and he turned and said
"Do you want a swig this mate?"
I declined politely...
after a couple more minutes he said
"so... you found anywhere to sleep tonight?"
"sorry?" I replied
"Have you managed to find anywhere to kip tonight?"
and it sunk in that this bloke thought I was a tramp too!
now im not the most snappy dresser.... casual... maybe a bit scruffy.. yes I sport a lazy man's beard... but I wouldnt have said I was tramplike in any way.
Now I was a bit stuck... I couldnt say "Well yes actually I've managed to find a nice spot in my 3 bedroom semi"
So.... I lied.... in my best Bill Sykes voice I said "well mate... im hopeful"
Our eyes met and he gave me a slow nod and I felt we shared a moment together.

Then my bus turned up and without a word I hopped on paid with a note and slunk to the back looking out of the window on the other side of the bus.... felt like a right bastard.
(Fri 3rd Jul 2009, 17:08, More)

» Cringe!

Beware of looking up people on outlook.
Going back a few years now... one of the guys I work with sent me an e-mail with a web link 'worth checking out' and a quick look confirmed this.

It was the homepage of one of our senior managers who had a passion for all things LARP (live action roleplay), throughout the site there were plans he'd drawn up for Saceships, mission statements, mission reports, the whole shebang, he'd even converted a bedroom into a futuristic operations room.
I'm an open minded guy but theres something very funny about a 50yr old guy in badly painted papermache armour chasing a bloke in a rubber orc mask accross a carpark in Glasgow and there were plenty of photo's along those lines.

So I looked him up on Outlook and having confirmed it was actually him standing in front of a Land Raider Tank (Land Rover with bits stuck on) E-mailed another mate the URL and the message 'Check this out, HAHAHAHAHA!'

Only I make the error of ommiting to remove the managers name from the 'To' field when I looked him up.

The next day I received an e-mail from the manager which said 'Yes, thats my website, what of it?'

I cringed.... then I panicked... for about two days.
Then it struck me that I hadnt actually directly insulted him so I hatched a cunning plan to cover up my mistake. I replied with
'sorry didnt mean to copy you in, its just me and my friend are really into Space Marine LARP and found it funny that you were too.'

I expected he'd perhaps respond with a short message and that would be that...

And so began a 6 month web of deceit with him e-mailing me a couple of times a week with updates on his Space Marine Chapters progress and me frantically searching the net for info so that I could maintain the charade.

I should have come clean early on... or resigned.. as I now know more about the Warhammer 40K universe than any sane man should. Fortunatly he left the company and I never heard from him again.
(Thu 4th Dec 2008, 13:14, More)

» Crappy relationships

The first love of my life
It was a whirlwind romance, our eyes met across a crowded room, I knew she liked me and she knew I liked her, our friends could talk of nothing else and just like that we were walking hand in hand across fields in an endless summer declaring our love for all the world to know.
We were inseparable, before long we shared our first kiss, one thing led to another and we swapped fluids*

It wasn't meant to last of course and things came to a head when we arranged to meet up in the town park, I bumped into an old friend of mine and turned away from my love for but a second, when I turned back I found to my horror she had stolen the Spokey Dokes off my BMX Burner to fashion a necklace...... fucking bitch.

*I gave her my Ki-ora and she gave me her Robinsons Barley.
(Fri 22nd Oct 2010, 15:49, More)

» Neighbours

My first place...
A terraced ground floor flat in a fairly dodgy area with neighbours on either side and above.

The neighbour on the right was a recluse, never answered his door, you just saw the curtains twitch as you walked past his window, probably had a fridge full of body parts but he never bothered me so fair enough.

Neighbour on the left was completely deaf, nice guy, never had any problems with him but his friends were thick as pigshit. They would come round and start hammering on his front door at 2am, on one memorable occasion I went out to tell them to shut up...

Him: *Bang* *Bang* *Bang*
Me: 'It's no use knocking on the door, he's deaf'
Him: 'We know, thats why we're banging'
Me: 'No... he's totally deaf and probably asleep'
Him: 'Yea but he has a dog'
Me: '......'
Him: 'His dog will hear the banging and wake him up'
Me: 'He's a scruffy mongrel terrier... not lassie'
Him: *Bang* *Bang* Bang*

The neighbour above was the worst though, he was always really smartly dressed.. but not in a good way, I figured he'd done some time maybe or had some sort of OCD thing going on, his greasy hair was always neatly combed, his slightly too short jeans had creases neatly ironed in, winklepickers buffed and shiny... he just looked odd.
Every night he used to play The righteous brothers unchained melody and sing along at the top of his voice BUT he would only play the first 20 seconds then he would start it again and again and again, enough to drive anyone to despair.
I tried asking him to stop and he would very politely apologise and 10 minutes later he's start up the song again. In the end I ducktaped my speakers to the ceiling and everytime he started I would counter with 'Arise' by Sepultura at full volume... he got the message and over time I developed a taste for thrash metal that hadnt been there before.

He was always meek and mild but on one occasion in the middle of the night we were awoken by him screaming on the phone that he had a knife and was going to cut his own throat, he really sounded a bit mental and it was late so for both our sakes I decided to phone the police. They came round within a few minutes, we heard the cops at the door to his place followed by some raised voices, smashing glass and then silence.
The next day I looked out of our window and saw smashed glass all over our garden and a pair of black stiletto's sitting in the middle of the lawn.
I went and knocked on his door to ask if the shoes were his and he answered the door covered in dried blood his arms and hands swathed in bloody bandages... in a little voice he said 'yesthankyouverymuch' took the shoes and closed the door.

We moved out before I could discover if he was in some difficult relationship or if he was a glass punching shouty transvestite but it certainly made every subsequent neightbour ive had seem angelic by comparison.
(Fri 2nd Oct 2009, 17:00, More)
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