» Housemates from hell

Fray Bentos
Coming back from the pub one night having missed the closing time at the chippy we discovered a haul of previously stashed out of date Fray Bentos pies under the sink.
Not fancying it much I went to my bed fully expecting to woken within the next 10 minutes by the smoke alarm, trigger by previously mention flaming fray bentos pie now on fire.
I woke up un charred but there as a curious beefy smell down stairs. On further investigation I found an open pie tin on my house mates bed side table.
There was an enormous paw mark in the pie where he'd grabbed a handfull of cold pie and tried to stuff it in his face.
By the look of his pillow he'd failed as he'd obviously fell asleep before the pie hit mouth leaving an odd head shaped mark on his pillow outlined in beef gravy and pastry.
He didn't even change the sheets.
(Fri 6th Apr 2007, 12:30, More)

» Breakin' The Law

Shooters
I still don't know why we did this but one bored Sunday me and 4 of my mates drove to toysrus and loaded up on replica guns.
This was when you could buy an exact replica glock or Luger as a toy.
Mind you, you couldn't after we did this.

The toys guns have red stoppers in the end of the barrels so they look like replicas.
Of course after a bit of fiddling we got these out and they looked just like the real thing.

Being daft arses it didn't occur to us that to everyone else we looked like 5 lunatics in a car with guns.
On the way home we course decided to go into a small shop and buy crisps, chocolate and shit loads of caps for the guns.

Of course we came running from the shop firing our newly bought caps from our guns, jumped in the car and wheel span away like the fannys we were.
So on the 30 mile drive back from toysrus
we did drive by's on some cows, a kid on a bike, a goat, 2 pensioners and several cars.

We were having great fun until about 5 miles from home the police speed car popped up behind us and sat about 20ft behind the car.

Ths worried us somewhat so cunningly we decided to stuff the guns under the car seats.

When we came around the final corner back to the town were we lived there was a bloody great road block.
The police at the road block immediatly clocked the car and at the same time the speed car over takes and pulls infront of us.

The policeman cautiously comes up and say "we've had reports of 5 guys in a car matching your description running out of a shop firing handguns and discharing firearms at people on the road."
When we'd ran out the shop were we bought the caps we'd been firing the guns in the air yo samity sam style the locals thought we'd robbed it and popped the owner.

Obviously they then found the guns under the
seats. I think they were so relived we weren't
gun toting maniacs but instead just a car full of baw bags they let us go with a slap on the wrists.

The policemens final words to us were. "Your lucky it was a Sunday or the armed police would be here". So if you want to rob anywhere
do it on a sunday as the armed police are at the bingo.
I think if we did this now we'd be doing a few
years in Barlinnie.
(Thu 8th Jan 2004, 10:23, More)

» My Worst Vomit

The Vomit Avenger
As a kid, 10 miles into the journey back to Scotland from a holiday in Scarborough my sister puked on my head as I inocently slept.
If this wasn't bad enough it was very hot and we where in a 1978 Hillman Avenger with vinyl seats. The seats cooked the vomit on impact and amplified the smell x10.
My hair was bleeched blonde by the vom' by the time it was cleaned off.
(Fri 20th Aug 2004, 13:52, More)

» Child Labour

Whitewash
On holiday from school and enjoying waking up at the crack of 11 each day my Dad decided it was time for me to get a job. All be it the unpaid jop of painting the back of our 3 story house.
I was given a pot of paint, some ladders (with no one to hold them) and a paint brush, which could only be described as a bit thin on top.
As I started to paint I realised that it isn't so easy to paint roughcast. You don't paint it so much as poke paint at it.
3 weeks later bloody knuckled and covered in paint (which I think he stole from the council, while they where painting the white lines) I was 75% through the first coat.

Thankfully I managed to get a job, which paid money leaving the house painting unfinished.
I returned from my first day of work to find my Dad had bought a massive roughcast paint roller and used it to complete in 1 day, what I couldn't in 3 weeks with the airfix paint set he'd given me.
I think it was his version of wax on wax off but with poisonous paint instead of polish.
(Wed 22nd Feb 2006, 9:56, More)

» Slang Survey

a huftie
Comes from a mate who never asked you for
anything but instead demanded it by saying:

'you huftie (scotchland for have to) take me up the street', 'you huftie give me some crisps', 'you huftie stop hitting me with that stick' and so on.

So a huftie is someone who demands something from you rather than asking.
(Tue 3rd Feb 2004, 13:38, More)