b3ta.com user Cylon Bum Raider
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Not even God knows what you're doing.

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» Real-life slapstick

The missus and I
went for a little drink in a country pub.

Then another.

And then another.

Suitably pissed up on cider, we started to merrily make our way back up the country lanes to her house.

She decided she was tired and deserved a piggy-back. Being a gentleman, I obliged. The cider had other plans. As I hoisted her up, I over balanced like I was in a You've Been Framed video. We tottered to the left ... and then to the right ... and then to the left again and then we fell backwards into a large ditch next to the road. As I landed on her, I headbutted her in the face.

Being drunken fools, we couldn't get out because we were laughing so much. The laughter caused me to do a little cider fart, which was actually a little cider poo.

A cow in a field opposite watched me with bovine disdain as I hid in the hedgerow and wiped my bum with a receipt, giggling to myself all the while.
(Fri 22nd Jan 2010, 11:48, More)

» Awesome teachers

Friend of my folks
was brother-in-law to my Year 9 maths teacher (who I shall call Mr Smith in this post). Brother-in-law once regaled the following tale to me, which is probably bullshit, but I always found it amusing.

One fine day in the past, Mr Smith comes into his morning maths lesson. One of those old roll-down blackboards sits at the front of the classroom. Smith rolls it down to find:

"Mr Smith is a cunt."

scrawled across it in huge letters. Smith goes absolutely apeshit, informs class that they are staying there all day until someone comes into his office and owns up to it.

With that, he leaves the stunned class in silence and goes to wait in his office next door.

According to his brother-in-law, Smith wrote it himself as he was hungover and couldn't be arsed to teach.
(Tue 22nd Mar 2011, 11:48, More)

» Tramps

Regent Street
We'd been out for a lovely chinese for my friends birthday. Lots of drinks and merriment all round. What we saw whilst stumbling home topped off the night (for me anyway):

A homeless chap next to a very large sign stating:

"Crazy Johnny plays the hits"

Which he was doing.

With a large traffic cone as a trumpet.

Whatever these "hits" were, only he'd heard them.

I gave him all the change in my pocket.

Best tramp ever.
(Thu 2nd Jul 2009, 16:57, More)

» Conversation Killers

A standard afternoon found a large group of us avoiding lectures in a mate's living room, drinking tea and talking about sandwiches.

It went something like this:

Mate A: No way, cheese and tomato sucks. It makes the bread all gooey.
Mate B: Fuck off, they're the best.
Mate C: I found out my dad punched my mum in the face at the weekend.

That's how you kill a conversation.
(Thu 12th May 2011, 14:12, More)

» Real-life slapstick

A female friend of mine was bending over and looking at some jewellery in a window display.

A little nudge from behind and her head hit the window with a very satisfying "thunk".
(Fri 22nd Jan 2010, 12:03, More)
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