» Stuff I've found

Teddybear's Pervert Picnic
Growing up in Basildon, Essex (birthplace of the Chav) there wasn't much to do as a kid except sniff glue, write incoherent profanity-laden poetry on bus-stop shelters and make false claims about being related to Alison Moyet/anyone from Depeche Mode.

However, I was quite lucky in that our housing estate completely surrounded a small partly-wooded area about the same size as 8 football pitches. The terraced houses and their gardens cut this suburban oasis off from the rest of the town and us kids were kings of this land - free to climb trees, build camps and start apple fights with other rival 'gangs' who lived mere metres away from us. It was fantastic, a bit like Lord Of The Flies but we all went home for tea at the end of the day and very few children were brutally stoned to death.

One summer, while a six-strong motley crew of us 5 to 8 year olds were out looking for wood to build another crappy 'camp', we chanced upon a black bin bag sitting in a bush. Some of the scumbag families on the estate would throw all manners of rubbish into our park, but occasionally we'd chance upon something useful. So we opened up the bag to see what was inside...

I'll briefly dispense with the colourful adjectives and just list off what I remember we found.

Around 10 copies of Penthouse magazine.
Every single Page 3 photo from The Sun published in the prior 6 months. Carefully cut out with scissors.
3 soiled bras. (how do you soil a bra?)
2 pairs of knickers (one was a thong I think)
Half a box of tampons, thankfully unused.
A french maid's outfit.
A rubber thing that totally stunk (in retrospect, must have been a used condom.)
A pair of high heels and a corset.

Now, bear in mind I was oldest in our gang at around 8 years old and I didn't have a clue what half this stuff was. All I knew was that it was illicit, forbidden and oddly arousing. We all had a good giggle chasing each other around with the smelly rubber thing on a stick and I think we may even of set one of the tampons on fire to see what happened (nothing, incidentally - it kinda looked like a stick of dynamite to an 8 year old.) But we made a pact to not inform our parents as they would invariably take anything we found off us cos' they were bastards.

We carefully disected the magazines, keeping all the pictures and, combined with the Page 3 cut-outs, used this x-rated portfolio to decorate our camp. We used the bras and corset as a makeshift flag, the maid's outfit as a window curtain and unimaginatively threw the high heels onto the roof of the nearby garages. Our little shop of whores looked glorious - who'd have thought a group of school kids would have such an eye for interior design.

So you can imagine how it all kicked off when my Dad found us in our camp.

My parents had sent my 5 year old sister out to call me in for dinner. The little snitch saw everything and while I doubt she was familiar with the imagery that Penthouse is famous for, she knew boobies were something you kept to yourself and consequently told Dad about our grotty grotto.

My Dad was (and still is) the coolest man on the planet. He could hardly be angry at me for putting these pictures up - it's not like I bought/stole them. However, he could go absolutely fucking mental at me for the position I'd put him in as not only did he remove all the offending material from Camp Bra, he had to go round to all my mates' parents and explain what had happened. Over a pint just recently, he confessed to me it was both the most embarrasing and hilarious thing he'd ever had to do as a parent.

I wasn't punished per se, but I did have "the talk"...about 4 years too early for my liking.

And to leave a bitter taste in this story's mouth, the police turned up a few days later (at my parents request) to ask me and my friends questions about The Funbag as it was clear there was some disgusting pervert in the neighbourhood who thought nothing of leaving his ill-gotten filth out where kids play. Not sure if they ever caught him, or her.

Should I apologise for length? I've seen much longer around these parts, but it's my first time.
(Thu 6th Nov 2008, 14:58, More)