» Doctors, Nurses, Dentists and Hospitals

Who's the friendliest person in the hospital?
The Ultra Sound guy
(Mon 15th Mar 2010, 17:25, More)

» Unemployed

My first unemployment
was strange in many ways.

I was working as chief "burger" flipper in a grand establishment that sounds exactly like MacDonalds. My reason for being sacked was nothing out of the ordinary, my sacking was nothing out of the ordinary, it was the journey home that will haunt me to this day.

I was awash with the feeling of freedom that only fresh dismissal provides and decided i would saunter along an alternate route to my regular watering hole.

As I turned into this strange new road, i felt the pit of my stomach sink to my knees.
Then I spotted it.

From the corner of my eye, it was sitting, in all its russet glory.
I was compelled to move toward it, the fact it was currently residing in a skip doing nothing to deter me.

I pawed at it nervously, then my wonderment overcame my terror and i exploded forth, ripping and shredding 'til my prize was revealed.....


.....I could barely believe my eyes. Some sick Cunt had not only compiled what can only be described as the most lurid, grotesque, smorgasbord of smut-riddled discs I had ever seen, but catalogued and cross-refenced them!
I heaved my guts across the "collection" and as my mind whirred I felt a burly hand grab the back of my neck.
As I turned to face a six foot policeman I noticed the crying child behind him.

"That's him! Thats the bad man who tried to make my look at his horrible things!" cried the youngster.

I barely had time to plead my case before I was whisked away, sirens blazing.



So dear reader, as I sit here writing this under constant surveillance, awaiting trial for a crime I did not commit, please try to imagine the harrowwing torment I am currently undergoing. I regret the series of events that unfolded, and cannot remove from my mind the vision of a scrap of cardboard bearing the words "THE GREAT PROJECT"
(Fri 3rd Apr 2009, 16:06, More)

» Devastating Put-Downs

Jimmy Carr
Not that I'm a fan of the pompous mincer, but he came out with one of the greatest heckler-put downs I have ever heard.

A gentleman in the audience was being rather obnoxious for a prolonged period of time. Eventually Jimmy addressed the man and began to explain how annoying it was, this was his profession and it was made all the more difficult with people constantly interrupting him. He finished with the retort "How would you like it if I came to your place of work and slapped all of the sailor's cocks out of your mouth?"
(Thu 24th Nov 2011, 17:52, More)

» Flirting

Repost of riposte
I'm not the sort of bloke who would normally approach a random lady and begin a conversation from nothing, unless far too many sherberts have been quaffed; as last Friday evening can concur.

A rather pretty lady stood, roughly five to ten feet away from where I was sitting with a friend, and some acquaintances. She had been standing on her own for a little while, looking somewhat miserable so I decided to be the valiant, charming gentlemen and approach.

In my attempt to refrain from sounding desperate and sleazy, i come out with the quite amiable "Chin up kid, might never happen." She replied with something stunted, and it was clear she was not in the mood to exchange pleasantries, let alone fluids of any nature.
I resigned myself to defeat and returned to my seat to shrug the incident off with a downing of my drink.

As I placed the glass back upon the table I noticed a rather pretty lady standing roughly five to ten feet away from where I was sitting. She looked somewhat disheartened so, full of dutch courage, I decided to venture over and raise her spirits. Upon arrival I chanced upon a cordial, yet witty phrase "Chin up kid, might never happen." As she gazed upon me I felt immortal; I had managed to woo her with such a simple phrase. Until she opened her mouth and I realised what I had interpreted as awe, was more along the lines of incredulousness.
"You've already tried that one" she spat.

Oh....
(Thu 18th Feb 2010, 16:25, More)

» Asking people out

If at first...
RussT's concluding line "If you don't succeed at first try, try again" is obviously not for everyone.

I'm not the sort of bloke who would normally approach a random lady and begin a conversation from nothing, unless far too many sherberts have been quaffed; as last Friday evening can concur.

A rather pretty lady stood, roughly five to ten feet away from where I was sitting with a friend, and some acquaintances. She had been standing on her own for a little while, looking somewhat miserable so I decided to be the valiant, charming gentlemen and approach.

In my attempt to refrain from sounding desperate and sleazy, i come out with the quite amiable "Chin up kid, might never happen." She replied with something stunted, and it was clear she was not in the mood to exchange pleasantries, let alone fluids of any nature.
I resigned myself to defeat and returned to my seat to shrug the incident off with a downing of my drink.

As I placed the glass back upon the table I noticed a rather pretty lady standing roughly five to ten feet away from where I was sitting. She looked somewhat disheartened so, full of dutch courage, I decided to venture over and raise her spirits. Upon arrival I chanced upon a cordial, yet witty phrase "Chin up kid, might never happen." As she gazed upon me I felt immortal; I had managed to woo her with such a simple phrase. Until she opened her mouth and I realised what I had interpreted as awe, was more along the lines of incredulousness.
"You've already tried that one" she spat.

Oh....
(Mon 14th Dec 2009, 13:56, More)