b3ta.com user Brandy Bolland
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scottish baby-faced cat-loving musician

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» Cringe!

Cringeworthy Dad
Aged sweet sixteen, I was over at a new boyfriend's house for the first time. We sat in his bedroom, chatting and listening to our Britpop CDs, before deciding to venture downstairs to the kitchen for a snack.

We were met in the kitchen doorway by his Dad, who uttered the immortal words "Awright son, let's have a sniff o' yer fingers then".
(Wed 3rd Dec 2008, 18:38, More)

» Cringe!

Typo Cringe
I once signed off a Very Important Email to the Head of the Arts Council with the words

Kind retards
(Thu 4th Dec 2008, 10:26, More)

» First rude thing I ever saw

Dodgy Amstrad Porn
When I was in primary school my Mum worked in an office for a company that sold stuff to other offices. They had a few of those MS-DOS based computers from before the age of colour monitors, and after school I would usually go to Mum's office to spin on the spinny chairs until she finished work. When a computer was free, I was allowed to play one of a number of games that were saved on the D drive.

One day, a new game had appeared, intriguingly titled 'BLOWJOB'. Curiously I opened the file, and a very realistic (for the time) 'film' started to play. One of my Mum's colleagues looked over my shoulder and screamed at me to shut it down, but not before I had seen the full horror unfold in glorious green and black.

Nothing was ever mentioned afterwards, but I never saw the spotty young IT guy around the office again.
(Fri 12th Aug 2011, 20:24, More)

» I'm going to Hell...

Sinful Drink Combo
A Christian boy on my uni course called Chubby Martin once told me I would go to Hell because I was drinking a vodka and orange.

This was the only thing he EVER said to me, yet ten years later he has tried to friend me on facebook three times. No chance, Chubby.
(Fri 12th Dec 2008, 13:12, More)