b3ta.com user Funkenschlag
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» Performance

I'm certain
I've mentioned this before but, once, when Terry Pratchett was doing a Q&A thing at a signing for 'The Last Continent' (At Liverpool's, then named Lomax 2 if you're interested) there were about 50-100 people present. There was time for one more question, I raised my hand. "You, with the glasses at the back." said Sir Terry. "Fuck", thinks I, "I didn't expect to have a question answerd and all the good ones pertinant to the book/his previous writings have been asked...ah I know, he keeps carnivorous plants, I'll ask him how they're doing."

Ssilence greeted the question. Followed by "...They're doing well, thanks."

And that's why I asked him to sign my copy "To the idiot with the question about plants." As a constant reminder that I shouldn't talk, ever.
(Fri 19th Aug 2011, 10:00, More)

» War

I'm a nure on a busy orthopaedic ward in Liverpool
Every moron that gets shot, stabbed, beaten to a pulp etc. in the city centre comes my way at some point. When their idiot friends come in it's all "Didn't fackin 'urt", "I'll fackin' 'ave 'im" and so on. Give it ten minutes and they're the first to be crying into their pillows for oramorph/mum.

I've seen 90 year old men dying of cancer (while suffering the agony of a broken femur) take it quietly and with more dignity than I'd muster in that state. THAT's tough.

Any prick who thinks throwing a punch or twelve or blowing someone's foot off with a shotgun makes you 'hard' needs to take a look at people who genuinely fucking well are and THEN compare themselves.

Oh yeah, something (relatively) humerous. I've met one lad whose ex-girlfriend has an 18 month old son to him, has an ex(as of two weeks ago) girlfriend who found out last week was pregnant and has recently started going out with his latest girlfriend. As he's going to be laid up for a few weeks I can't to find out the what happens when they invariably meet at the same time should be an interesting 'conflict'.

tl;dr Scallies aren't tough and sometimes hospitals can get like the Jeremy Kyle show.
(Thu 31st May 2012, 17:35, More)

» Doctors, Nurses, Dentists and Hospitals

I too am a nurse
I'm not sure why (possibly because I've got a face for radio) but during my training no patients or staff ever thought I was gay. I'm not unahppy about this you understand *adopts gruff, manly voice to be sure*. In one humerous instance, I was giving this old dude (must have been about 70 at the time) a bed bath on an orthopaedic ward and his little fella became, not so little. The HCA who was helping me at the time later said "Straight or not you gave a 70 year old guy a hard-on, you'd make a fortune down at the docks."
(Fri 12th Mar 2010, 12:51, More)

» School Projects

If any of the people who were there read this, they'll know who I am (or, at the very least, what I've done)
For some bizarre reason, as part of my Masters degree, I had to come up with a phylogeny showing the 'evolution' of biscuit. Yes, I had to draw a little chart showing how biscuits had changed through the ages as part of a flippin' Masters degree course. I was so proud of my work I sent it into a website (I think it was something like acupofteaandachat.com or some such). Unfortunately the laptop that stored this wonderful piece of research died about three years ago otherwise I would share it with you

If it helps, in my opinion, custard cream are the pinnacle of biscuit evolution.

Don't ask me about Jaffa cakes.
(Fri 14th Aug 2009, 10:18, More)

» Unexpected Nudity

I once knew...
...a German gentleman who had served under Rommel in Northen Africa but was taken prisoner during one of the numerous tank battles. Anyway, as a prisoner of war he was used to finding new ways to hide things from his captors. One of his many tricks was to use an old surgical wound he had recieved to his chest as an extra 'compartment'. It apparently didn't cause him pain to do this or maybe he was just a lot tougher than I thought, I digress, one of the few luxuries he kept with him was a small amount of tea he had gotten during the early days of the war in a small French town called Neuvaux Dete or 'New Deet' as he insisted on calling it in his heavily accented voice. He would keep this tea in the recess off his chest away from the prying eyes off the British guards and gain a small amount of satisfaction whenever he could by boiling some water with it and drinking away or sharing it for extra rations and better treatment (apparently British POW guards could be bribed very easily then). Whenever he traded this with the guards they would always rermark that it was certainly Hun ex-pec/tit New Deet tea!

I thank you.
(Thu 28th May 2009, 14:44, More)
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