b3ta.com user ste_mc_efc
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» Unexpected Nudity

It was the 80s. I had a perm.
I had been out shopping for groceries and had returned home. I was struggling to get through the door what with holding too many bags so the kind yet pathetic guy from next door helped me out. He invited me to some sort of party but I wasn't really listening, I had a big orchestra rehearsal coming up, and besides he's a bit of a Moran so had no intention of going. I almost caught him naked actually when he was seducing my friend's secretary as opposed to baby-sitting my child. It actually lead to a blatantly homosexual museum worker kidnapping the little tyke, but that's a whole different story.

I bid good day to him and left to put my groceries away, there was a cheesy advert for exterminators on the telly, catchy song for the advert though.

I began to unpack and put the eggs on the side, I then began to faf around at the counter behind when I heard a peculiar noise, one of the eggs had somehow fell onto the counter and had began to solidify. It was a hot day so I didn't think much of it, best put them back in the refrigerator sharpish I thought. So I went over to put them and opened the refrigerator door only for smoke to come out, I panicked thinking it was going to be expensive but to my amazement I saw some horribly naked little monster at the back addressing me as Zool.

I'd apologise but I have wasted far more of my own time typing that than you have reading it.

Length? Well it wasn't long before he was inside of me.
(Mon 1st Jun 2009, 1:29, More)

» Nightclubs

My 18th birthday, the Krazyhouse.
The Krazyhouse has been mentioned once or twice in previous answers, basically what the scallywags of Liverpool would refer to as a "goth nest" or something equally absurd/far off the mark. It has a reputation (deservingly so) of being fairly filthy, the toilets of floor 3 in particular.

My birthday was on a thursday night, fairly big student night in Liverpool. I was supposed to be up at 6.30 am the next morning for 6th form.

It's "241" on all drinks in there. Coupled with £1.25 pints in our starting place of choice messiness was *somewhat* inevitable.

Got to The Krazyhouse about 12.30-1 ish. Memory goes completely and utterly blank at about 2. It was supposed to shut at either 3 or 4, I can't remember which, not that it matters...

Next thing I can remember is the alarm of my phone going off at 6.30 and waking up. My first thought was that my mum had woken me up " Mum, what are doing in the Krazyhouse?" 2nd thought? "Oh shit, what I am still doing in the Krazyhouse?" 3rd thought? "Oh fuck, my mum isn't actually here. What am I supposed to do?"

I checked my phone to see dozens of missed calls and texts from my mates, who had spent most of the night searching for me before the bouncers chucked everyone (bar me, of course) out. I text a mate of mine "Where are you? I think I am still in the K." His response "at home, about to get ready for school. are you locked in?"

Yes I was locked in. Now with hindsight this could have been excellent, completely unguarded bars and except the slight headache no hang over. But I still had it in my mind that I could get to school in time for biology and therefore tried to escape. There was no way out. I even went into some sort of cellar/basement which was full of wires, clambered about in a labyrinth of a night club for a good 30 minutes to no avail, then disaster a door shuts behind me and I can't open it. I am trapped on a stairwell. But I'm in luck, there is a fire exit down the stairs. I force it open only to be met by shutters on the other side and a deafening alarm.

Here I am at about 7.30 in the morning, locked in a club that shut about 4 hours ago throwing mongy shapes around to the burglar alarm having a whale of a time. But alas, I scratch my head and then notice that my hand is now covered in blood. I didn't have a slight hangover headache I had a gash on the back of my head akin to the average female krazyhouse goer's clunge. I needed to act fast and with guaranteed results to get out. Who was I gonna call? Ghostbusters? Maureen? The men with moustaches? The police? Nah, fuck them. I was going to call my mum.

Opening the phone call with the line "Don't panic, but I am locked in a club covered in my own blood. I feel sound though, not even hungover" She was not as impressed with my ability to not feel rough after drinking as I thought she would be. True to form she came through and convinced me to call the police.

An hour later they turned up with the manager and let me out. The manager's first words to me? "Don't worry lad, you aren't the first and won't be the last"

After going to the hospital to get stitched up I stroll home around 11.30 in the morning where I was awaiting my mum's fury. Did she greet me warmly claiming to have been worried sick? Did she balls. Did she even shout at me for being such a tit? Did she balls. She just laughed in my face and said "good night, then?

No-one knows how I lost consciousness, no-one even knows where I was for the bouncers not to find me. I been back several times to try and find the magical stairwell I got locked on to no avail.

I was tempted to jump the bus into school for my english lesson/the adulation I would receive from my mates for pulling an all nighter in "the K". Nothing like studying some metaphysical poetry in the afternoon after raving to a burglar alarm in the morning.
(Sat 11th Apr 2009, 14:38, More)

» Absolute Power

I own my friend's soul
As part of the contract I don't have any sort of dominion over him in the earthly plane of existence, come the afterlife I have a slave for all eternity.

Sure there probably isn't an afterlife like that, but even if there is an infinitesimal chance of having a slave for infinity, you have to take it. That's basic science.
(Sat 10th Jul 2010, 22:49, More)

» I don't understand the attraction

Family guy:
12 laughs a year simply isn't good when it is attempting to go for volume of gags.
(Sun 18th Oct 2009, 15:40, More)

» I don't understand the attraction

Commenting on daylight hours.
The amount of people, most of whom say it once a week or so, who say, every single year without fail "It's getting dark a lot earlier now" until in then starts getting light, when it becomes "it's staying light a lot later now." "oooh, it's 8PM and still daylight"

It's happens every year in a pretty uniform manner, it isn't surprising or interesting and most certainly not worth commenting on, all the time.

NB: Does not apply to those living in obscure polar regions who have about 4 hours of daylight per year, you can talk about that if you want.
(Mon 19th Oct 2009, 17:44, More)
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