b3ta.com user Don't tell him Pike
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Scottish lad, living in Surrey, I push tin for a living as John Cusack would probably say, if he was actually an Air Traffic Controller and not a famous Hollywood actor.

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» Prejudice

I guess I probably am/was
I had recently moved away from sunny Scotland for the first time and was a little wet behind the ears shall we say.

I found myself in the toilets of a club in Bournemouth, thoroughly trolleyed, when I spotted a black chap standing by the sinks holding a paper towel

Having seen and ignored the "freshen up for the ladies" gentlemen toilet attendants in earlier pubs throughout the night, I decided to stop being so stingy and at least humour one of them.

I took the paper towel, put down a quid and asked if he had any Paco Rabanne.

So it turns out he wasn't a toilet attendant and was just a guy, who happened to be black, on a night out, who happened to be drying his hands when I drunkenly clocked him.

In my opinion, my prejudice/racism, definitely warranted a punch at least, but to the guys credit, he just called me a cheeky little Irish cunt, and told me to fuck off.


I didn't correct him
(Sat 3rd Apr 2010, 15:52, More)

» Amazing displays of ignorance

What the fuck is so fucking funny you fat bitch?
I found myself screaming the above question in my head while smiling politely and chuckling gently to a friend of my girlfriend recently at a god awful social gathering I'd been forced to attend while a perfect nimbus of hate rose in my guts and started to pour out my pores.

There was a globe lamp that people were looking at, and everyone started pointing to places they had been on holiday.

She was unaware that Egypt was in the Northern Hemisphere

She was unaware that Jamaica was an island

Everyone there had no idea that the Arctic and specifically the North Pole is ice and not land.

Not the worst crimes in the world I admit, but for some reason the rage storm grew within me. Surely I am not alone in thinking that this is basic common knowledge? What made me most annoyed was the fact that she didn't care that she was stupid, it was fine, in fact it was even acceptable for her to make a huge joke about how thick she was. What the fuck is so funny about being ignorant?

Other people even started chiming in with like minded tales of their own idiotic Geographic ineptitude.

Am I just being a cunt or does the acceptance of ignorance/stupidity annoy anyone else?

What's that? I'm just being a cunt? oh
(Fri 19th Mar 2010, 12:13, More)

» Call Centres

Cobra Playstation
My sis worked for bt direct enquiries on her holidays from uni back home in Ayrshire.

One evening a chap called up looking for the number for Cobra Playstation.

My sister thought it was maybe the name of some independant gaming shop somewhere or some kids activity centre or karate kid dojo or something and tried to find it.

Nothing came up and she told the guy she couldn't find it. This only seemed to enrage the guy who said "For fucks sake you must have the number for Cobra Playstation hurry up!"

So she said, "Okay, just to confirm, you are looking for the number for Cobra Playstation yes? Thats CO-BRA PLAY-STATION?"


Still nothing came up so she asked the guy to say it again slowly on the off chance she'd made a mistake.

"For Christ sake COBRA PLAYSTION! You know? The Police Station in Coatbridge."

Wonderful place Scotland
(Thu 3rd Sep 2009, 20:26, More)

» Nightclubs

Can I take this seat?
In a cheesy club in Scotland a few years back with a few mates, thoroughly pissed and trying to find a seat or couch or something to avoid the constant threat of being bumped into by people with pints of diesel or b&h superking cigs or both.

We find a table with 4 seats so we sit down, however there was 5 of us and the 5th member of our ensemble was a shy ginger bloke named Tony, with a terrible stutter, which was made even worse due to him being inebriated.

We spy a table of girls next to us who happened to have a spare seat, so we told Tony to go fetch, knowing that he'd be nervous about having to speak to 3 fitties, especially in front of his mates.

"C....c....can I take this seat p..please?"

"Yeah go for it" the girls chimed back in unison, stifling a titter.

Cue Tony grabbing the seat only to find its one of those kind thats fixed to the ground
and its not budging whatsoever.

End result, roars of laughter from us, the table of girls, and a passing bouncer, plus Tony looking like he's trying to reenact a scene from The Sword in the Stone.

"Um I'll j....j...just leave it there" he whimpered before retreating rapidly, the laughter still raining down on him in floods

Did we know the seats were nailed down before we sent him over?

Of course we fucking did!
(Fri 10th Apr 2009, 1:08, More)

» Easiest Job Ever

Working in Ibiza
Back in 2002 I worked with a mate in a bar in Ibiza for the summer. One of us had to work from 11am-9pm and the other from 10pm-4am.

For the 11-9 shift, we had to make sure the bars were stocked for that evening, which took all of 15 minutes. We also had to make sure there was a(pirated)dvd on the big screen all day. That was it.

The boss didn't surface until 7pm each night so all day was spent drinking free booze and chatting to holidaymakers.

For the evening shift we were to stand in the busy street and ask people to come in for a drink.

Now most of the urchins doing similar jobs for other bars got paid by the number of people that came in to their establishment. We got paid regardless so we didn't annoy people or even ask people most of the time.

We also got into all the ridiculously over expensive nightclubs for free as we were 'workers'.

My boss said to me one night, "I want you to be more relaxed when talking to girls about coming in for a drink, so have a few drinks while you work so you're more chatty."

Then followed the best conversation I have ever been a part of.

"So, my job is to get pissed for free and chat to hot women?"
"You're also are going to give me a place to live above the bar for free?"
"And you're also going to pay me for doing this job?"

Glorious times
(Thu 9th Sep 2010, 16:12, More)
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