» God

The Inevitable Church Billboard Post
(Frankly im surprised this hasnt been posted already)

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

2. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

3. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

4. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

5. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

6. Don't let worry kill you off, let the Church help.

7. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

8. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

9. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

10. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

11. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

12. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

13. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

14. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

15. Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

16. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

17. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

18. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00pm. Prayer and medication to follow.

19. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

20. This evening at 7pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

21. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10am. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

22. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

23. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7pm. Please use the back door.

24. The primary 7's will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

25. Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
(Mon 23rd Mar 2009, 18:51, More)

» Nightclubs

A Clubbing Tale
Before the hedonistic days of my studenthood came the hedonistic days of my year out, a year I spent backpacking around Europe this is a tale from those days.

As people with a grasp of history will know, for a while after the demise of the soviet union the geography of eastern Europe changed more often than a student changes his socks (especially a backpacking student) as countries seceeded and rejoined before splintering off because one branch of the ruling party said something nasty about the other. It was during this time that I found myself in the tiny principality of Paronomatania on the west side of the Black Sea. If this was a western setting it would have been refered to as a one horse town but it had a bar and a dingy little hotel and one single solitary nightclub where the locals used to boogy down to the latest strains of polka. Not really my sort of thing but I was staying in the hotel for a couple of nights and got quite friendly with the barman Erik who promised to show me around.

Because this was quite literally the only place in town it was frequented by everybody, from the farmers who had never heard of deoderant, their wives who had never heard of razors to the local nobility (who had heard of both but distained using them), even the younger son of the King would turn up with his cronies once the night got swinging.

The young Prince (Edwardo Augustus Phillipe to give him his full name) was very much a party animal (not unlike our own Prince Harry) and if he took a shine to you while you were out clubbing you could well be set for life.

So we were in this club, Me, Erik and his wife Astra (nice girl but still had more hair under her arms than I could grow on my face at that point) while her sister was at home looking after their 6 year old daughter. Because I was moving on the next day I didn't partake of the local distilled potato juices as Erik (I had a bus to catch and didnt want to be stranged for 2 more days waiting for the next one) but was smiling along occasionally being dragged up to dance but mostly fairly content sitting back and discussing my travel plans and trip so far with anybody who would sit still and listen.

Erik though was the life and soul of the party, he downed shot after shot of the local vodka and was soon the centre of attention on the dance floor (or the centre of a circle at any rate as his flailing limbs defined a no go area at least 7ft across).

Unbeknownst to us Price Edwardo was in that night in his private gallery overlooking the main room enjoying the company of several local farmer's daughters and quite possibly excersizing his droit de signeur and observing the antics of our drunken barman.

The night finished at around 2am in the morning and we rolled our way back to the hotel to get some sleep, I still had to pack and Erik was working the breakfast shift and had to be up again in 3 hours to clean the bar.

As I strolled down to breakfast that morning (and viewing with distaste the storm that had rolled in from the mountains, I wasnt looking forward to hiking through that much rain to the bus stop)I was met with the sight of Erik beaming like a supermodel had snuck into his bed and pulled a winning lottery ticket out of her cleavage. Not only had his dancefloor antics been noticed by the price he had been summoned to a royal audience this very morning. Erik insisted that I go along to watch rather than miss this part of his country's culture so Erik, Astra and I set off hot foot to the Castle.

We were escorted into the throne room where Edwardo sat in all his ermine trimmed splendor. At his feet lounged the diggest dog I'ver ever seen (I'm no expert at dog breeds but it looked like the offspring of a great dane and a timberwolf) clutching a long wooden stick in its jaws.

We were lead to our seats and the Prince began to speak.
(The following dialog was translated for me as while I could get by I didnt speak russian that fluently so this may not be word for word accurate)
"Erik come here and kneel before your Price, It has come to my attention they you are well known for your ability to enjoy yourself and as such I have ordered your name enscribed on the rolls of the Paronomasian Order Chivalry"
(Yes my friend the barman had just become a Knight of the Realm).

All of a sudden there was a terrific boom of thunder outside that fair rattled the windows of the castle, while the humans in the room jumped then quickly calmed down the dog at Price Edwardo's feet went crazy, it leapt up and charged straight at the kneeling Erik, stick still held firmly in its jaws. There was a resounding crack and the stick connected with his jaw and snapped his head upwards, he crashed forwards head bent at a very unnatual angle. The dog charged up the aisle wreaking havoc as footmen tried to calm him down or at least retrain him, he struggled out of their grasp and ran back down the aisle towards the prince, this time he clipped Atra's arm as she knelt beside her husband sobbing, there was another audible snap as her arm broke and the dog fled yelping from the room.

Prince Edwardo was distraught and while the royal doctors arrived and pronounced Erik dead he had a word with his ministers who produced the deed to a large house in town so that Atra and her daughter would not be made homeless and a large stuffed animal in the shape of the same dog that had just killed Erik and broken Astra's arm (rather poor taste in my opinion but he was evidently some kind of royal mascot so they had plenty on hand to sell to the few tourists who passed through).

I helped Astra home carrying both the deed and the stuffed toy (which was surpringly heavy) that was presumably for her daughter but as it was still pouring with rain outside the dog got soaking wet and started to come apart at the seams, all of a sudden there was a loud ripping noise as the stiches on the underbelly of the dog gave way and solid gold coins started falling out of its stuffing! The Prince had evidently felt so bad that he had provided enough money for Astra to raise her daughter until she was old enough to marry, it wouldn't bring Erik back but would at least mean she wouldn't be destitute or have to sell herself into prostitution to care for her daughter.

I left Astra in the arms of her sister, picked up my bags and trudged through the rain towards the bus stop out of the country and as I did I thought about Erik and Astra and reflected on the fact that for the mourning after a knight's clubbing nothing beats the bear of the dog that hit you.
(Thu 16th Apr 2009, 10:10, More)

» The Boss

I heard she got what was coming to her
There are many things you could have called my ex-boss (words ending in itch wern't uncommon) she was one of the stingiest people you could hope never to meet, refused to spend any money on anything more than essential maintenance so as a result we worked in this decrepit old stone building with no proper heating or lighting and don't get me started on the plumbing (I was sure the water there was going to kill somebody some day).

I stuck it out because jobs wern't easy to come by in those parts (I think the main industries were farming and logging, and despite the ill advised sweet factory that set up nearby (which soon closed due to poor transport links) the area was rural with a capital R, we even had our own big cat sighting which no small area in the middle of nowhere is complete without these days, anyway back to my story).

I remember one day she came in, because she had been out on the pull the night before she came in completely hungover which made her even more crotchety than normal and covered head to toe in some sort of cheap fake tan, which she was evidently allergic to as it turned her skin the most unwholesome shade you can imagine.

Never the most stable at the best of times she seemed to think the world owed her something and that she had been robbed of some trinket or other which she bitterly took out on us, constantly ordering us around never a please or thank you in sight, frequently ordering us off site for pointless errands, oh fetch this and get that and dont come back without the other (the one time i did hear her compliment somebody she said it in such a weird way I was more than a little creeped out)

Things came to a head one day when some visitors from a rival company came by for a meeting she got so angry that they couldn't reach the compromise (for compromise read the deal that would be best for her personally) she actually started threatening them, till this one young lass picked up her glass of water and threw it in her face before storming out.

The noise she made! You'd think somebody was carefully torturing a cat with all the screaming and screeching going on up in the board room.

That was the day I decided enough was enough so I packed up my desk and left without bothering to hand in my notice or ask for a reference, I was sure I could get a job doing something, anything as long as it got me away from there.

I landed a job as an extra with a production company making low budget horror films where I was very happy for the next 6 years.
The world really is your oyster when you're a flying monkey.
(Mon 22nd Jun 2009, 12:04, More)

» Nightclubs

A
seal walks into a club
(Wed 8th Apr 2009, 16:04, More)

» Puns

A German guy
approaches a prostitute and says " I vish to buy sex vit
you"

"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 100 quid an hour"

"Is goot" says the German, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky"

"No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky"

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four
large bedsprings and a duck caller.

"I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs."

The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs
to her hands and knees.

"Now you vill get on your hans and knees."

She duly does this, balancing on the springs.

"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you."

She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and after all
the guy is paying.

The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the
energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the
most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before
she has recovered her breath.

Finally she gasps "That was totally amazing....... what do you call
that?"



"Ah", says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique"
(Thu 12th Mar 2009, 10:55, More)