b3ta.com user Sonic
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» Call Centres

Never read and speak at the same time
I used to work in a call centre. I also used to run pub quizzes in the evenings. One day over lunchtime it was quiet in the office, so I decided to write some questions. My research on this particular day was for the music round, so there I was with my head buried in the Guinness Book of Hit Singles. Suddenly there was a beep in my ear, which was my cue to speak, upon which I uttered the immortal line 'Good afternoon, Frankie Goes To Hollywood'. Christ I felt like a twat as a roar of confused laughter went round the room.
(Thu 3rd Sep 2009, 22:45, More)

» School Assemblies

The shart to end all sharts
A few fart/shart related tales on here already, but I assure you that none are as embarrassing as this one.

I must have been about 10 years old and my class had been doing a project about volcanoes. I was stood on the small stage alongside a few of my classmates including a lad caleld Jeremy, ready to talk about the rather impressive paper mache volcano the class had constructed. Totally out of the blue, without warning, and with comical timing that most professionals could only dream of, Jeremy's arse decided to erupt like Vesuvius. My recollection of the noise is a squirting sound which was part fart, part gush. The bum gravy shot down Jeremy's legs and started to seep out of the bottom of his trousers onto his shoes. His face contorted into an expression of horror and embarrassment, whilst the rest of the school hall went through shock, horror, disgust, and uncontrolable laughter in a very short space of time. Jeremy was ushered off the stage (crying) by one of the few teachers who managed to keep a straight face, and from that moment on was known as Shitty McSquitty.
(Fri 14th Jun 2013, 5:49, More)

» Weird Traditions

Whenever I belch, which is frequently and loudly, I can't stop myself from saying 'Bollocks' at the same time. Been doing it for years and I still amuse myself.
I'm 32 and really should know better.
(Mon 1st Aug 2005, 15:55, More)

» Lost...

Dr Who badge
I left a black anorak in a bar on a campsite in Brittany sometime in the mid 80's. It had a big blue Doctor Who badge on the front. I don't suppose anyone found it by any chance? I think it was probably somewhere near the Galaga machine. I had all the high score table to myself you know!
(Fri 3rd Dec 2004, 18:54, More)

» Teenage Poetry

I can't claim to have made this up, and someone may already have posted it, but here goes anyway. Here's one I remember from when I was at school.

When I die, Bury me,
Hang my bollocks on a cherry tree,
When they're ripe, Take a bite,
And ask the neighbours if they taste alright.
(Mon 15th Aug 2005, 1:48, More)
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