» DIY Surgery

Nothing impressive, but I'll share
When I was younger, I suffered terribly from Athletes foot which would not stop it's relentless itching, so I'd often squirt deodorant in the raw flesh and to have a severe burning sensation which would make me really grimace. The pain lasted for seconds, the itching would stop for hours.

But my favourite was self lancing my infected thumb. After peeling off a nail, I inevitably tore it off past the part where skin and nail meet. This lead to a rather nasty infection which was unbelievably tender to touch and ballooned like a red grape. A trip to the doctor was necessary I thought as it was only seeming to get worse. Which the doctor decided to treat this with a course of antibiotics as opposed to lancing to relieve the pressure.
A couple of days later my swollen thumb was not subsided. I sat on the bus on my way to college, with my index and thumb from my other hand holding onto the swollen digit. A jolt on the bus caused me to squeeze rather hard and a stream of pus, the colour which can only be describer as "Head and Shoulders lime" jetted out onto the chair in front of me. I felt a snap in my thumb as the delicate skin finally broke from the pressure.

I was so happy that day.
(Fri 21st Jan 2011, 18:47, More)

» Flirting

My first experience in a gay bar
18 years old, going out for a friends 18th.. I don't know why, but there was an all round consensus to take our friend to the only local gay bar as we thought it'd be the "ironic" thing to do as we were all straight.
Enter the bar, I was pleasantly surprised. I was expecting drag queens, glory holes in the toilets, Celine Dion being played continuously with a high pitched camp bar tender.
The bar had a wide selection of alcohol all at very fair prices, the music was a mixture of Indie and Soft Rock and not too loud, with a very calm relaxed atmosphere. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I went to the bar ordering two double Jack Daniels neat with ice [by this point I was really drunk and I thought this would give me a sophisticated façade]. This seemed to get the attraction of a female at the bar who seemed to show some interest. I chatted with her for only several minutes, and she lit up a cigarette and casually blew it in my general direction. I, as an ex-casual smoker, just gently wafted it away from my [already blood-shot] eyes and nose where the following conversation took place:

Lady 1: "Sorry, I didn't mean to blow it in your face"
Jon_LTD: "It's OK, I smoke a bit any way, it doesn't bother me?"
Lady 1: "So you don't mind me blowing it in your face?"
Jon_LTD: "Only if I can blow my load in your face!"

Being incredibly chuffed to bits with my razor wit, I had a smile from ear-to-ear.. Only to receive a disgusted look and a VERY hard slap. I picked up my two drinks and casually walked to my table of friends and was still thoroughly impressed with my efforts and a smile just as big as the moment the punchline was delivered. Awesome.

I still maintain that was one of the sharpest moments of my life.
(Thu 18th Feb 2010, 15:16, More)

» Famous people I hate

I am easily angered by "celebrities".. Here's a few that top my list.
The main thing that I hate about these z-listed celebrities it the fact they have had there 15 minutes of fame, and now they want more. And are willing to make complete shite which we [the UK] seem to lap up! Examples? Ok. Here goes my rant.

Peter Andre & Jordan. They were in the Jungle and had to do some grim shit all for "entertainment". They then came back all "loved up" and had the tackiest disgusting wedding I have ever seen. Since then they have had [I think] 2 kids to keep in the media spotlight in what was obviously a sham marriage destined for doom. It that isn't the epitome of selfish, I don't know what is. And since their "separation" they've just sold all their stories for a shit load of cash, and every cunt seems to be talking about it like it's serious news!
Let's break this down a bit more in simplistic terms:

Jordan truly is a rubbish person. I see no purpose in her life. She is nothing more than a stupid chav tart famous for having disgustingly enhanced tits and fucking a failed popstar. You are now rough as a bears arse and offer nothing to society but breeding children you don't even appear to like.
Peter Andre is a talentless moron who doesn't seem to realise he lacks talent. He is purely famous for being famous. He did one song about 13 years ago and has somehow earned a living off of it by fucking a disgusting slag and making a TV show about his life and selling his stories to the highest bidder. His entire life seems fake.

"You know Amanda Holden?" "Who?" "You know.. That tart who got famous by cheating on her ex husband Les Dennis with Neil Morrisey" "Oh yeah! That daft bitch?".. That sums it up. And now she has the right to sit on a panel, and JUDGE PEOPLE and what they do. What is wrong with the world? And the same goes for that smug cunt Piers Morgan. A shamed editor of The Mirror decides whether you are worthy or not on entertaining. Simon Cowell, I'm indifferent. I have no strong opinion. I think he is a moron, but he just doesn't seem to annoy me as much as he seems legit in his business.

Tara Palmer-Tomkinson. What is she famous for? Going on the Frank Skinner off her tits seems to have done her favours! I've seen her on several panel quizzes [albeit nothing good, like 8 Out Of 10 Cats] and she is such an attention whore who spouts something trying to be funny cutting other people off. What IS she famous for? Just another loud mouth chav with no talent who gets pissed and photographed with no knickers on.

Ulrika Jonsson. A total slag with no talent who lives off of the smell of her own farts. Part of the esteemed 4x4 club. 4 children to 4 different men. When I used to watch the earlier series of Shooting Stars, she actually seemed quite genuine and up for a laugh.. But now she just seems so arrogant and never laughs any more apart from her own jokes. She contributes to nothing apart from being a bitch who spouts her opinions which count for nothing.

I just don't understand this notion of being celebrity obsessed. It is perpetuated by the whole of the general public by idolising people who either dress quirky or are stick thin. I don't give a fuck of Brad Pitt has split from Angelina Jolie. I just don't give a shit if some minor celebrity was seen shopping in Leicester Square. I cancelled my Sunday Paper because every week the front page had "CELEBRITY NEWS!" on the front with the top corner dedicated to "Haiti death toll fears".. Fucking priorities people! We are prioritising a celebrity "scandal" over ~200,000 lives. Fuck your celebrities and fuck that side of life. I'll focus on people who have an ounce of talent and offer something back to the media world. Names? Stephen, the god, Fry, Bill, the musical genius, Baily and Patrick, the genius, Stewart. Hell I'll lump in John Hurt and Ian McKellen with Patrick.

/rant
(Fri 5th Feb 2010, 12:03, More)

» I don't understand the attraction

Social Networking Sites
I just cannot get to grips with them. I opened a Myspace account 4 years ago only to deactivate it within 6 weeks. I tried Facebook as I was assured it was the future, and get so angry at people giving me invites for pointless applications that do nothing but show people you're into ninjas, werewolfs and vampires. I don't want to see people who I haven't seen since secondary school for good reason. I've had plenty of oppertunities to get back in touch with them if I wanted to, and I'm sure they have had the same, but I haven't. Nor do I want to. I'll stick with my phone and e-mail, and you're guarenteed to get a positive response from me if you hand write me a personal letter. Even if it's just to inform me I might have AIDS. It's the thought that counts. I don't want to be another friend added on Facebook for the sake of adding someone you once knew and to boost up your amount of Friends you have added despite you probably talking to about 5% of them.
I am not a modern day Luddite, infact I'm such the opposite I guess you can consider me a snob for not using these social networking sites.

First post ever and I sound like a grumpy old man.. Not too far from the truth. I'm 23 in 11 days.
(Thu 15th Oct 2009, 18:44, More)

» School Naughtiness

Absolutely terrifying moment..
I was never particularly "bad" but I certainly had fun when I was younger in school. It was a great time for me and I got into some bother at times, but nothing major. Until one day in Year 10 English Lit (or just after).

A friend of mine somehow managed to steal Potassium from the Chemistry store room, yet I have no idea how or why! This is the stuff that is kept in oil as it oxidises in the air as it is so reactive. This absolute moron was carrying around a lump the size of an average dice or a cube with the dimensions of a postage stamp, wrapped up in paper. Brilliant.
He decided to show me and my friend in English of his finds when the teacher had left the room. He happily handled it and cut some off (approx 1/2 to 1/3) with a ruler as it's a lovely soft metal and wrapped it in a page of A4 and flung it towards me. I had to do something as the teacher had just walked back in, so I handled it carefully and laid in on the (lino) floor and remember realising it was a little to warm. The other "friend" who I shared a table with had handled it with his hands, and the tiny pieces of metal which had stuck to the sweat on his fingers were sparking and making tiny pockets of smoke appear and was, apparently, painless.

As soon as the bell chimed informing us that it was the last day lesson of the day, I picked up the bit of paper and marched out the door. Like a twat I placed it loosely in my coat pocket and shielded it with my hand and bumped into a friend who had just come out of an adjacent class. I got my head down and asked him to march with me in a serious tone and he obliged knowing something was up. Typically we hit the wall of students all in a frenzy to head out of the the exits and my heart sunk as I felt the warmth of the paper and saw a teacher directly across from me. She was a PE teacher and didn't really know me (as she only taught girls).

It happened in a second. The paper began to burst into flames violently as I instinctively flung it from my pocket into a makeshift firework and watched the reaction get evermore violent and all attention turn on me (obviously). A few shrieks and me stamping like a wild man on it, I look around to see a few dozen students all staring at me and the smokey mass on the floor which I have stamped into oblivion. The teacher obviously came over towards me, and I felt faint. I was pale as a ghost. I was more worried about being blown up as I have seen the capabilities of such a dangerous metal in a controlled experiment the size of a grain of rice and I had a much larger chunk. I was also worried as this was easily an "expellable" situation as well as fire alarms and fines for calling out the Fire Service.

I was terrified and the teacher could see this. HOWEVER, she marched up to me with a quizzical expression and asked plainly "What is going on?!" I wouldn't consider myself a natural liar, but I insisted I saw the piece of paper fall from the stairs from above and it landed on my shoulder and I merely threw it off me and stamped it out. I played up to being scared and burbled "It scared the life out of me! I thought someone had set my bag on fire!". She paused for a second and unbelievably lapped it up! She even asked me if I wanted to see the nurse as I looked pale! I declined gracefully and insisted I could walk it off. Nobody said anything else about it and she had a quick look around by the stairs for any signs of this phantom arsonist.

I almost vomited from the masses of emotions I felt about 5 minutes later on my walk home. And I think the thing that topped it off for me was the fact she saw me the next day and kindly asked me how I was. I smiled and said fine, and explained how it caught me off guard and "shook me up".

Please remember people! I didn't want it! It was thrust upon me and I had to deal with it. And all things considered, I thought I handled it really well!
(Sun 11th Sep 2011, 16:25, More)