» The Great Outdoors

Kick a man when he is down...
In Cornwall for the missus grandparents 50th wedding anniversary. Staying in the fine county on the cheap by camping out at St Agnes Head. Great buffet spread, lovingly prepared by friends and family that morning and stewing lovely in the stinking hot August sun for hours.

Later that evening we returned to the camp site and turned in for the night. Nothing unusual until around 2am when the stomach starts making churning noises like a washing machine. Then the sinking feeling, am I going to chuck or am I not. Being not at home and in easy reach of a porcelain alter I thought I'd better go through the normal get-up-in-the night routine that you do when under canvas. So I successfully made it to the loo block and took up residence in one of the cubicles for two hours, alternative between puking, shitting and feeling so ill that I crawled into a ball and slept on the loo floor shivering till dawn.

The weather the next day matched my attitude, grey, cold and stormy. The missus is only vaguely interested in my night adventures with food poisoning, she really wants to tell me something else, but not at the camp site, that's too easy. So I agree to be driven up to the cliffs for some air, it will do me good (yer right). Then once perched on a rock feeling sorry for myself and just about holding it together my other 'arf jubilantly announces to me that I am going to be a father. Excuse me if I don't jump up for joy. I got daggers for the next couple of days till I could recover enough to make the correct positive noises regarding my coming offspring.
(Tue 3rd Apr 2012, 0:24, More)

» Shit Bosses

goal post moving boss needs the goal post inserted somewhere painfull
Wanted to write about the twat of fuck witted asshole boss I once had but he might read b3ta and work out it is me and then I would be dead.
(Fri 10th Apr 2015, 22:47, More)

» Shops and Supermarkets

I have a face for being a supermarket or shop assistant
This happens one or twice a year. I will be in Tesco or B&Q or where ever and someone will walk up to me and say "Do you work here because I can't find....". I can be in my worst t-shirt and jeans and someone will still walk up to me in Sainsburys and ask me. I don't work in retail at all. I did a Saturday job in Comet when I was 15 and some mindless till work while looking for a job after graduating !#?* years ago. I do not understand what people see in me that says to them "shop worker". I've started responding "Do I look like I work here?".

Actually the till work was quite good mindless fun. I used to see scan slowly till I had a nice long queue and then see how quickly I could empty the queue of customers. Scan scan scan scan scan scan. I was practically throwing the tins past the bar code reader.
(Thu 10th May 2012, 22:02, More)

» Losing it

Numerous loses of intelligence...
Quite often start a sentence to tell someone something and completely forget what I was actually going to say.

Will out of the blue just forget my bank PIN numbers. Why I suddenly think this I don't know. I'm normally not even at a cash machine when the thought comes to me.

Forgetting how to spell common words or looking at correctly spelt words and convincing myself that they are spelt incorrectly. Case in point, I ordered some custom t-shirts a couple of weeks back and pontificated over the wording being paranoid of the spelling (something in my head was telling me something was wrong). On opening the delivered package I instantly spotted the spelling mistake. Aaasss!!!
(Mon 25th Jul 2011, 23:25, More)

» Road Trip

Literally got back from an Alpine road trip yesterday...
Just finished an excellent road trip from Munich, down through the Alps and Dolomites and back. Stopped off in Cortina d'Ampezzo. Mate said you know you are in northern Italy coz all the ladies are stunners. We then proceeded to pass minger after minger after minger...
(Wed 20th Jul 2011, 0:07, More)