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I am a b3tan's second account.

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» God

"Maybe this world is another planet's hell"
Usually gives the door-knocking types pause for thought.

Jean-Paul Sartre I believe, although I've just looked it up and found it attributed to Aldous Huxley.
(Fri 20th Mar 2009, 11:37, More)

» God

I was christened as a baby
and went to Sunday school.*

Not that my parents have ever been particularly religious (and in fact have grown less so in their old age), it was more the middle class conventional thing to do, and I went to a CofE primary, for the standard of the teaching, and one of the requirements was that you attended Sunday school.

Anyway, fast forward a few years and even by the end of primary school I've figured out what a load of claptrap this religion nonsense is. (If the logical fallacies in your belief system can be spotted by an eight year old, you gotta take a long hard look at yourself really)

Wow, I am in a rambling mood this morning. Anyway, fast forward to the time of my confirmation. My parents wanted me to be confirmed. I definitely did not want to be confirmed. I considered it insulting that it was even suggested. Lots of arguments and such, and we eventually came to a compromise that I would attend the confirmation classes (classes?! Yep, you have to go and read the Bible at the church once a week so the vicar can strengthen your programming and try and erase more of your brain), but that when it came to be time for me to be confirmed, I would decide whether or not I wanted to be, now I was in possession of the facts.

Pah. Fucking bollocks, I'd decided beforehand that I wasn't gonna be confirmed, nothing's gonna change my mind. One thing for it, stop going to the classes. Didn't work, vicar told the parents, got forcibly frogmarched to the church every Wednesday.

However, for those of you in a similar situation, I can advise that an extremely effective way to get out of being confirmed is to get caught, in the vestry, kissing one of your confirmation classmates, drinking the communion wine (actually cheap sherry, but hey we were about 12). Apparently this is a big no no in religious terms, who'da thunk it?

My parents and both my sisters are confirmed, I am not. I am entirely happy with this state of affairs.

*For those still trying to figure out who I am, here's a clue that probably won't help you: it was the Sunday school of the church that Chris Tarrant attended. One of my claims to fame, or not.
(Fri 20th Mar 2009, 11:17, More)

» God

When I was in school
We periodically had visits from one of those Christian drama groups. You know the ones, they try to be cool and down with the kids, and miss by about fourteen miles. Turned up in a big van painted in Jesus logos and did some cringeworthy play that tried and failed to relate religion to our everyday teenage lives. I think they were called the IMPACT team, I can't remember what the acronym stood for but it would've been something pretty contrived.

Anyway, they came to visit us once or twice a year, and did their shit play with terribly done plywood sets and CBBC presenter level patronising acting. It was pretty shit, but sitting in the gym watching it probably beat being in lessons, you could just go to sleep at the back.

The team was run by two brothers, or at least they always told us they were brothers; the rumour mill had them as gay lovers. Not sure whether there was any truth in that. The main one was called Stuart, Stuart Burnside I think, although that could be wrong. He looked like a Christian version of a young Adrian Edmondson, not that that's germane to our story at all.

One year, which would have been several years after I'd started school, so we were all used to them rocking up in their Jesus mobile, they turned up, and we all filed into the gym and sat down on those wooden benches you get for school PE but have never seen anywhere before or since, you know the ones with the flappy out bits at the end so you can hook them over stuff (this isn't germane either, I seem to be in a tangential mood this morning).

The other fella (I can never remember his name, he always played second fiddle to old Stuart) came out, sans Stuart. What's going on?! Well he's gonna tell us straight away, cos the first thing he says is 'Before we start, I'd just like to explain why Stuart isn't with us today. He died six months ago, since our last visit here. I'd just like to take a moment so we can all join in a prayer for him.'

Couldn't have misjudged it more really, you should have seen the look on this bloke's face as, instead of us bowing our heads and praying for Stuart's eternal salvation, about 700 children of various ages absolutely pissed themselves laughing. Some wag shouted out 'DID HE DIE OF AIDS THEN?', which only raised the volume of the laughter.

Poor Stuart's brother (still don't know his name) luckily managed to nip behind one of his bits of plywood before he fully broke down into tears. A little while later a teacher came out and said they'd cancelled today's show, back to lessons, two weeks detention FOR THE WHOLE SCHOOL, and could some of the more well behaved kids stay behind to help him chuck the plywood in the van.

I feel a bit bad about this, ten or fifteen years later - I am a committed anti-theist (with my personal beliefs being some strange sort of nihilist-humanist dichotomy, depending what mood I'm in), but I don't wish death on religious people.

Morals of the story:

1. NEVER assume kids will be kind, especially in large groups - they develop a sort of hive mentality that feeds on any display of weakness.

2. By the time they enter high school, most people have already figured out what a load of shite religion is and don't want it shoved down their throats, even if it means getting out of double maths.

No apologies for length or offensiveness.

(Edit: and can anyone else remember the IMPACT team from their school days?)
(Fri 20th Mar 2009, 11:01, More)

» The thing I've been most ashamed of doing with a penis

And another one from bash for you all, before someone tries to claim it as their own....
(Thu 12th Mar 2009, 15:14, More)

» The thing I've been most ashamed of doing with a penis

Is anyone else
reflexively skipping to the end of posts to see what the pun is?
(Thu 12th Mar 2009, 15:05, More)
[read all their answers]